Fractured Family

Today has been a hard day filled with sadness and memories from the past that involve my family. My dad's side of the family used to be so close while I was growing up but after I told about my abuse, it was like those relationships shattered into a million pieces and scattered in a million different directions. I still remember how hurt and confused I was by it all as a little girl, and unfortunately, those hurts are still part of my life right now, triggered by the stupidest little things. Anyway, here are a couple of poems that I wrote about my family and the hurt I feel.

Untitled


I’m screaming out loud, trying somehow to find
A voice for the thoughts that are filling my mind.
I want you to hear what I’m trying to say,
To see that it’s his crime for which I still pay.
He committed the sin and he has hurt us all
So why is it me that’s taken the fall?
You want to pretend that this isn’t real,
While I’m doing my best to just simply heal.
You’ve chosen to stay silent and speak hurtful lies,
And deafen your ears to my deep, painful cries.
I’ve tried so hard to heal the hurts and mend all the pain
But my sincere, heartfelt efforts have all been in vain.
I wish I knew why it’s so hard to just let you go,
The answer is simple: I still love you so.



Do you remember…

That little girl who used to come to your house to play?
The little girl who loved to run errands with you and go shopping with you?
The little girl who would walk up to your house on those hot summer nights,
just to see you and be with you?
The little girl who went on a field trip in second grade and broke out in
hives and came to your house so you could watch her?
The little girl who would sit on your lap while you did word search puzzles,
wanting to circle the few words she was able to find all by herself?
The little girl who used to play outside for hours in the summer?
The little girl who would come and play with your kids for hours at a time
and cry when she had to leave?
The little girl who got in trouble one Sunday morning during the sermon at
church for playing My Little Ponies with your daughter?
The little girl who would spend hours helping and watching you cook and
bake?
The little girl who told you that macaroni and cheese that came from a box
was much better than homemade and so much easier to make?
The little girl who used to dress up in such pretty little dresses for
church every Sunday?
The little girl who would try on your jewelry and sometimes wear it to
school without your permission?
The little girl who loved to sit down and have you read her stories even
though she was old enough to read them by herself?
I know you remember…
The little girl who told the horrible secret.
The little girl who made the family fall apart.
The little girl who told such lies.
The little girl that was willing to do anything for attention.
The little girl who changed your life forever.
Please remember…
I am still that little girl
The one who you loved
Who you were proud of
Who you loved to take places
Who could make you smile
Who used to love you so much
Who still loves you so much
Who only wants you to love her again.

(both poems written in 2001)

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