Death...and Life

I've had the idea of this blog ruminating in my head for quite some time now, but have been hesitant to actually write it and put it out there. Why, I'm not exactly sure. I've realized in some of my friendships, my thoughts and feelings are often invalidated, and maybe I fear that if I share, I'll be met with a bunch of, "Well..." or "But..." responses. So keeping quiet is easier. Plus, broaching the subject I'm going to attempt to explain in a way that makes sense, is super scary. But, as one who strives to be real and authentic, I just need to put all my thoughts out there.

Awhile back, while looking through a mental health account I follow on Instagram, I stopped on a story that talked about Passive Suicide. I had never heard of it before but it didn't take me long to realize I've actually been dealing with this for the past several years. What is Passive Suicide?

"Passive suicidal ideation is described as thoughts focused on dying or feeling like you would be better off dead, without actively making any plans to take your own life. It is different to other suicidal thoughts, as unlike active suicidal ideation, there’s no suicide plan in place. It’s more about thoughts and feelings without immediate action. People who are experiencing passive suicidal ideation may have thoughts such as “I wish I was never born”, “they’d all be better off me” or “I don’t want to live" (From the website https://www.papyrus-uk.org/what-is-passive-suicidal-ideation/)

Summed up - do I have a plan to end my life? No. But if asked on any given day if I want to be here, again, the answer would be no. 

On Easter Sunday, my pastor preached about death and how, as believers, we have no reason to fear it. While it means the end of this earthly life, it also means the beginning of brand new and different life in the presence of God. But, just as he preached we shouldn't be afraid of death, he also said it's okay to pray for a longer life here with family and friends on earth. He said God understands that and that it's not a sinful thing to pray. Afterwards, a friend shared that she was glad to hear him say that because when she was really sick with Covid, she felt selfish praying for more time with her kids and husband. 

After checking my heart and remembering the above page, I realized I need to pray the opposite - that I would want to be here, living on earth. Because if given the choice, I would pick heaven every time. Immediately. When people talk about events in the future, my immediate thought is, "Hopefully I won't be here then" or "Maybe I'll be gone by then." When I hear of someone who died after living 50, 60, 70, or 80+ years, my immediate prayer is, "Please, God, don't let me live that long." 

Please don't get me wrong. I have good friends, llamas I love like my very own, and a job I love. All of these things are definitely worth living for. But there is a constant battle being waged between my head and my heart and some days, the victor isn't quite clear.