We All Want to be Loved
One of the highlights of teaching this year has been our Read Aloud time every day after lunch. I enjoy reading to my students so much! I love to watch their faces light up with joy when something good happens, their brows furrow when something bad is happening, and sit forward in anticipation when I get to a really good part. For several months, we read through all of the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary. I loved those books when I was younger and it was a wonderful experience to be able to share the stories with my students. Ramona always seemed to be getting into some sort of trouble, usually without even realizing it at the time! In one book, after having a particularly rough day, her mom comes to talk to comfort her as Ramona is crying her little heart out. Her mom asks what she can do to help Ramon and she replies fiercely, "Love me!"
How many of us have issued that same plea in our own lives? I will be the first to admit that I have - often. We all want to be loved, it's how God created us. He made us with that desire for an unconditional love, a love that can ultimately only be filled by Him. I am so thankful that His love for me is so great that He sent His only Son to die a death that was meant for me. I know I will never truly be able to grasp exactly what that love means but I am assured a place in heaven because of it. What an awesome God!
While I am confident in the love that God has for me, I've been struggling with a different aspect of love in the past several weeks. I've been writing out my life story in the hopes of publishing it as a book that will be an encouragement to others who have walked similar roads. When I was first considering putting my story out there for the general public to see, a friend of mine asked if I was ready for the possible negative impacts of that decision - angry reactions from my family, silence from those friends who won't know what to say, and even the possibility that others may try to use the vulnerable and painful parts of my past as leverage to hurt me. Having lived through all those scenarios already, I assured my friend I was ready for whatever the fallout would be from my writing.
What I didn't consider was the tumult of emotions I've experienced as I've been writing out my story these past months. While I've shared my past with a lot of people, and even spoken publically about it while in college, I've tried to be as honest as possible in my writing and that includes telling parts of my story that, up to this point, I had only shared with one or two people. That has been scarier than I ever thought it would be. At this point in the process, I have a few friends that I e-mail every time I write a few new pages or finish a particular 'chapter' of my life. These are women that I love and trust very much and even with them, sharing has been hard. After sending them a section to read, the days I spend waiting for their reactions have been brutal at times. I'm constantly wondering if their perspective of me has changed, if they see me in a different light that now they won't be able to look past when we spend time together, and if they still accept me even after knowing this part of my life. But the question that wakes me up in the middle of the night and causes me to cry is, "Do they still love me?"
Truth be told, I've struggled with that particular question since I was a very little girl. Being abandoned by my mom, having my grandfather take out his lustful desires on my body and then having my family turn their backs on me in the months and years afterward, and other experiences in my 29 years have left many scars and marks on my heart that even today, still haven't healed completely and that question still lingers. Yes, I know God knows every single thing about me and loves me in spite of it all and that is a comforting thought. But He's God and the people in my life are not. Are they capable of showing the same unconditional, 'I-know-the-worst-about-you-but-will-still-be-here' kind of love? I guess that only time will tell and in the meantime, I'll just keep putting my story out there and continue to fall back on the everlasting love of my Savior.
How many of us have issued that same plea in our own lives? I will be the first to admit that I have - often. We all want to be loved, it's how God created us. He made us with that desire for an unconditional love, a love that can ultimately only be filled by Him. I am so thankful that His love for me is so great that He sent His only Son to die a death that was meant for me. I know I will never truly be able to grasp exactly what that love means but I am assured a place in heaven because of it. What an awesome God!
While I am confident in the love that God has for me, I've been struggling with a different aspect of love in the past several weeks. I've been writing out my life story in the hopes of publishing it as a book that will be an encouragement to others who have walked similar roads. When I was first considering putting my story out there for the general public to see, a friend of mine asked if I was ready for the possible negative impacts of that decision - angry reactions from my family, silence from those friends who won't know what to say, and even the possibility that others may try to use the vulnerable and painful parts of my past as leverage to hurt me. Having lived through all those scenarios already, I assured my friend I was ready for whatever the fallout would be from my writing.
What I didn't consider was the tumult of emotions I've experienced as I've been writing out my story these past months. While I've shared my past with a lot of people, and even spoken publically about it while in college, I've tried to be as honest as possible in my writing and that includes telling parts of my story that, up to this point, I had only shared with one or two people. That has been scarier than I ever thought it would be. At this point in the process, I have a few friends that I e-mail every time I write a few new pages or finish a particular 'chapter' of my life. These are women that I love and trust very much and even with them, sharing has been hard. After sending them a section to read, the days I spend waiting for their reactions have been brutal at times. I'm constantly wondering if their perspective of me has changed, if they see me in a different light that now they won't be able to look past when we spend time together, and if they still accept me even after knowing this part of my life. But the question that wakes me up in the middle of the night and causes me to cry is, "Do they still love me?"
Truth be told, I've struggled with that particular question since I was a very little girl. Being abandoned by my mom, having my grandfather take out his lustful desires on my body and then having my family turn their backs on me in the months and years afterward, and other experiences in my 29 years have left many scars and marks on my heart that even today, still haven't healed completely and that question still lingers. Yes, I know God knows every single thing about me and loves me in spite of it all and that is a comforting thought. But He's God and the people in my life are not. Are they capable of showing the same unconditional, 'I-know-the-worst-about-you-but-will-still-be-here' kind of love? I guess that only time will tell and in the meantime, I'll just keep putting my story out there and continue to fall back on the everlasting love of my Savior.
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