Read Angie's Thoughts

I spent Christmas this year in Arizona and got to spend time with my beautiful niece Lilly. My time with her is always way too short and I love her to pieces. I sleep in her room when I am there and on Christmas night, I was looking at some pictures of her that I found on her dresser and all of a sudden, this deep sadness washed over me and I found myself crying for the next hour or so. Lilly is 3 years old - so full of innocence, energy, personality, and is growing up so much every day and yet still loves to have someone cuddle with her. Her world consists of her mommy and daddy, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, her friends at school and each day is a brand new adventure. As I looked at those pictures and thought about my time with her over the past few days, I couldn't help but think that I was 3 years old when my abuse started. I look at Lilly, at ALL children, and can't even conceive of hurting them in that way. The thought never even crosses my mind. I can't compr

A friend of mine posted a blog recently with 100 things she is thankful for as this Thanksgiving season is upon us and I was inspired to do the same thing. So here they are, in no particular order! 1. My Lord...His faithfulness, love, and mercies that are new each morning. 2. My dad 3. My teaching job at Trinity 4. Ryan for inspiring this blog and inspiring me every day in general 5. My beautiful 3-legged dog Maggie 6. My new house :-) 7. Sunshine 8. Raspberry Chai 9. My friend Susan who introduced me to raspberry chai and for the awesome friend she is 10. Christopher - my 13 year old cat who is pretty almost blind but still so loving and cuddly 11. My best friend Amy Katherine Paredes 12. Heat in the winter 13. Sugar cookies with no frosting 14. My class parakeet Happy 15. My church family 16. My Grandma Judy who has taught me so much by the way she lives her life 17. The random hugs throughout the week from one of my second graders - Jesse 18. Calli - my calico kitty 19. My pastor Jo

   I tried to talk…to speak the words of the pain I was feeling the pain that cuts like a knife the pain that is so intense that I can’t breathe the pain that comes and goes hurting so very much when it comes I spoke the words…I told them how I felt but it fell on deaf ears every word ignored… no one paid attention I was looking for comfort for someone to understand to console me and let me cry… instead came words of a different comfort a comfort I wasn’t looking for I didn’t need to hear those words… that everything was going to be okay that the world wasn’t going to end that we would make it I would make it I needed someone to hold me to hear what I had to say what I needed to say So I picked up the knife felt the rough texture of the handle looked at the blade the little grooves and I drug it across my skin my eye on the tip of the knife as I made a mark it got longer and longer and longer all the while feeling no pain couldn’t feel the knife tearing across my skin The pain was gone

The season of fall has always been my favorite. I love the reds, oranges, and yellows of the changing leaves and I love the cooler evenings (perfect for sleeping) and warmer days. This morning as I was driving to church, the wind had picked up a little and as the leaves were falling off the trees, it looked as if they were raining down from the sky. If I had could make just one change to the season, it would be that fall would last a little longer. In Wyoming, it seems the leaves are changed on the trees one week and completely blown off the next. It really is such a beautiful season. Fall also brings with it a lot of memories. Since I started working at a school 5 years ago, fall has meant trips to the pumpkin patch, parent/teacher conferences, the last days of recess without jackets, our annual speech meet, and the excitement for Halloween and Thanksgiving. But it also brings back memories, one big one specifically, from my childhood. It was the week or so before Halloween the year I

"Project Night-Light is a faith-based organization that provides children with important items needed when examined at local Children's Advocacy Centers around the United States for sexual abuse, physical abuse, or neglect" My church recently got involved with this organization by making some fleece blankets to be given to the children that this organization helps. The children also get a brand new pair of pajamas as well as other items that help to give these children a sense of security at a time when their lives are chaotic and confusing. All of the items are brand new because so many abuse victims feel used because of the actions perpetrated upon them and because abuse victims often feel 'labeled' (worthless, not loveable, helpless) there are no labels on any of the items and the children get to keep all of these items through the time of transition in their lives. The goal of the organization is to help each child to believe that they are valuable in the eyes

How's that for a title?? My last several posts have been a little on the 'heavy' side so I thought I would lighten things up a little with a couple of recent stories stemming from two of the hats that I wear. Single Woman: My car, Victoria, needed new brake pads and my dad offered to put them on for me so I went up to Dubois this last Saturday. We went out to breakfast and then went to his shop to get down to business. First, I changed my oil. I'm proud to say that I do know how to change my own oil and except for the trickiness of getting the oil filter off and back on, I could do the whole thing on my own. This was my first time changing Victoria's oil and because of my miscalculations, I did manage to cause an oil spill that would rival that on the coast of Louisiana, but all went well and pretty soon we were ready to move onto the brakes. My dad took the tire off and spent a while trying to find the right sized tool to begin taking the old brake pads off. After

Warning: This blog is LONG and 'wordy' but I just let my heart talk through my fingers... "No matter what the pain, He cares...about every single tear." ~ Scott Krippayne These words are from a song called "Every Single Tear" that I downloaded over a year ago when I was in the midst of a struggle with what would later be a diagnosis of major depression. I found great comfort in the words at the time because I had cried more tears than I had ever cried before and in the midst of my trying to figure out what in the world was going on inside of me, God knew. He knew every single tear and, as my favorite line of the song states, "Your heart is what He hears when the world just hears you crying." But even these soothing words could do nothing to touch the pain I experienced this past weekend. By Sunday night I lay in bed trying to sleep, tormented by thoughts that had never crossed my mind before, even in those dark days before I started taking medicati

Lately I’ve been given a lot of thought to the whole idea of marriage and relationships. Not because I’m in the position of entering either in my own life but more because it seems most people in my life are either married or in a dating relationship. At times I feel like an atypical person in society because at the age of 29, not only have I never been married, but I’ve never even been in a serious relationship either. There are many reasons why but I guess the biggest comes down to the fact that, at least for now, that’s not God’s will for my life and I’m okay with that. I really, truly am. A couple of years ago I was talking to a lady at the church I was attending at the time and telling her that I was content at the place I was in my life as a single woman, believing that if God were to bring a man into my life, that would be great. But if He didn’t, that would be okay too. Her reply? She told me I was lying and that she would pray for me. I can’t even begin to express how angry I

As I've had time to let my last blog, Forgiveness and Consequences, settle in and have turned the words over and over inside my heart and my mind, I've decided to add a couple of poems to shed more insight into this subject. The first is a poem I wrote shortly after I started praying a prayer of forgiveness towards my grandfather. The second two poems show the battle that often raged within me as Satan tried to persuade me to withhold my forgiveness in the months that followed that initial prayer.   Forgiving  The decision has been made, the prayer has been said, My mind was made up and on my knees, I bowed my head. As I talked to the Lord, with tears on my cheeks, I gave to Him what He had been asking for weeks. The burden too heavy, the pain just too great, I asked Him to take my hurt, my sadness and hate. The choice to forgive isn’t easy but I know it’s a must, God tells me it’s right and in His love I trust. He will deliver me from the hurt and the pai

"Then David said to Nathan, 'I have sinned against the LORD.' Nathan replied, 'The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, the son born to you will die.'" 2 Samuel 12:13-14 I've always thought that the account of David and Bathsheba is one of the greatest examples of how forgiving and loving our God really is. Not only did David commit adultery with Bathsheba, but after finding out she had become pregnant, he had her husband Uriah killed in battle. After these things happen, God still showed his love and forgiveness to David when he repented of his sins. What a comfort it is to know that even when purposely make horrible choices, God is still loving and forgiving and doesn't turn His back on us. Another thing I love about this account in the Bible is that it shows that sin results in consequence. Yes, David was sorry for the things he had done, the Psal

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 While working through my abuse issues, people often quoted this verse to me, especially the second counselor I worked with. While at  the time, I got the basic gist of what it meant (I would be able to help other people who had been abused because God had helped me) it's only been in the last several days that I have truly grasped what it means.  I recently received an e-mail from a woman a few years older than me who came across my blog in a way that completely had God's fingerprints all over it. She was on Facebook and went to click on the name of a friend that she and I have in common. Instead, she clicked on my name. She and I had met once, several years ago, through a mutual friend and she remembered who I was. N

I wrote this poem last night in the midst of a 'storm' I am currently battling. Lately it seems unending and so brutal. I am weary and so tired of this battle and yet, there is no end in sight. Please, friends, pray for me. Pray that I can give this storm over to God and not let Satan get me backed into a corner where I am most vulnerable. Into every life a little rain must fall, but what do I do when it starts pouring? When the sky is blue, the birds are singing and then the wind starts roaring? Out of nowhere the pain bowls me over and I have no chance to break my fall, And the force of it steals my breath and no one seems to hear me when I call. The tears start to fall as the hurt begins to build until I don’t know if I can take any more, And what started as a sprinkle with bit of wind suddenly becomes a torrential downpour. So I face the wind with my broken heart in my hands and wait for the storm to move on, And pray that maybe, just maybe, as the storm blows over, this ti

One of the highlights of teaching this year has been our Read Aloud time every day after lunch. I enjoy reading to my students so much! I love to watch their faces light up with joy when something good happens, their brows furrow when something bad is happening, and sit forward in anticipation when I get to a really good part. For several months, we read through all of the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary. I loved those books when I was younger and it was a wonderful experience to be able to share the stories with my students. Ramona always seemed to be getting into some sort of trouble, usually without even realizing it at the time! In one book, after having a particularly rough day, her mom comes to talk to comfort her as Ramona is crying her little heart out. Her mom asks what she can do to help Ramon and she replies fiercely, "Love me!" How many of us have issued that same plea in our own lives? I will be the first to admit that I have - often. We all want to be loved, it&#

I've always been a big advocate of bringing scary and painful things out of the dark in order to help others. That's why I've never shied away from talking about the sexual abuse in my past in order to help others who are facing a similar struggle. Well, it's coming up on a year of fighting a battle in my life that I've only told a handful of people about. Like being abused, this issue carried a lot of shame for me at first and I only told the people I did because I knew I would need their support to get through it. If you were keeping up with my blog at this time last year, you will remember that I was going through a time of feeling down and discouraged about life in general. I threw around the word 'depressed' a few times because it seemed to sum up what I was experiencing. My grandma encouraged me to see my doctor to see if there were any biological reasons for my feeling so down. My doctor is a Christian who knows me personally and I couldn't have a

(Not sure who made the video but at least you can hear the song!)  I love this song. Written by Steven Curtis Chapman after his youngest daughter Maria was killed in an accident at their home in May 2008, it not only speaks to the pain he and his family have endured over the past 21 months but to many life situations that we all face. This song shows us that, 'whatever valley you must walk through, Jesus will meet you there.' Lately it seem as though I've prayed for Jesus to not only meet me where I am struggling, but also where I know friends are facing hurts and struggles of their own. A sister in Christ is facing infidelity in her marriage where she is questioning so much and trying to keep Satan from having his way in all that has happened; a friend is getting ready to welcome her little boy into this world while grieving the loss of her only brother only a couple of weeks before Christmas; 10 Christians are being held in Haiti on charges amidst 

Exactly a year ago, God blessed me with one of the greatest gifts I ever could have asked for - my dog Maggie. A year ago this weekend, I picked her up from the vet who had fostered her for a week-long trial period. I knew by Monday that I was never going to take Maggie back! Over this past year, she has been the perfect dog for me, it's like we were made for each other! She is extremely loyal, very protective, and a lot of fun to watch if she doesn't think you're looking! I noticed last year how much it did my heart good to come home each day after school to find her waiting so excitedly in the yard for me. After having cats for the past few years that only cared when I came home if their food bowl was empty, it was a nice change.  She loves to ride in the car with me, no matter where I go, and sits straight up in the backseat looking out the window. She is so serious when she does it that it cracks me up! Now that it's gotten colder, I take her to school a lot and s

A friend and I recently started a Bible study - Fingerprints of God by Jennifer Rothschild - and on day two, she wrote something so amazing that spoke so much to my heart that I just had to share it. I hope it's as much of a blessing to you as it is to me each time I read it!! In Genesis, He fashions you with His hands. In Exodus, He gives you freedom and deliverance. In Leviticus, He gives you access to Himself. In Numbers, He builds cities of refuge to protect you. In Deuteronomy, He guides you with His protective hand. In Joshua, He honors you with His divine purpose. In Judges, He shows you mercy in spite of repeated failures In Ruth, He values you by bringing you into His family. In 1 and 2 Samuel, He makes the insignificant significant. In 1 and 2 Kings, He honors you by His faithfulness. In The Chronicles, He makes your prayer powerful, granting you success. In Ezra and Nehemiah, He allows you to return to Him and gives you tools to rebuild all that is broken. In Esther, He

Well, it has officially been a year since I started this blog. One year ago I continued to debate whether or not I had anything to offer the world through a blog or anything important to say. I made the decision go just go for it and the rest, as they say, is history. Here are some thoughts to sum up my first year of blogging. One year later...I still wonder what I have to offer the world through my blog or if I have anything important to say. The past few months, I've been trying to write my life story with the hopes of publishing it one day. One thing I am always asking myself is, "Do I really have a unique story to tell? Haven't others already told a similar story?" You know, 'traumatic childhood, turbulent teen years, finding Christ and Him changing her life.' What spin do I have on it that will make my story something people will want to read? One year later...I am thankful for this blog because it was through telling my story of abuse that I found out th