Fall
The season of fall has always been my favorite. I love the reds, oranges, and yellows of the changing leaves and I love the cooler evenings (perfect for sleeping) and warmer days. This morning as I was driving to church, the wind had picked up a little and as the leaves were falling off the trees, it looked as if they were raining down from the sky. If I had could make just one change to the season, it would be that fall would last a little longer. In Wyoming, it seems the leaves are changed on the trees one week and completely blown off the next. It really is such a beautiful season.
Fall also brings with it a lot of memories. Since I started working at a school 5 years ago, fall has meant trips to the pumpkin patch, parent/teacher conferences, the last days of recess without jackets, our annual speech meet, and the excitement for Halloween and Thanksgiving. But it also brings back memories, one big one specifically, from my childhood. It was the week or so before Halloween the year I was ten when I told my dad and stepmom about the abuse I had been suffering at the hands of my grandfather. I can remember it all like it happened yesterday - exactly where we were driving in town when I made up my mind to tell, dividing Halloween candy with my brother on the floor as I watched my dad and stepmom go downstairs to their bedroom where, a little earlier, I had left a letter telling them about the abuse, and I can still remember the moment I thought to myself, "This is it. There's no turning back now." I can remember in detail the events of later that evening as my dad confronted me about what I had said in the letter, the sadness and panic when he didn't believe me at first, the fear when he threatened to call my grandfather himself and ask if it was true, and eventually the feeling of defeat as I gave in and allowed my dad to call and ask my grandparents to come over. I can still remember them walking in the front door and up the stairs to the living room, the look on their faces, the feeling of being scared when I realized by the look on my grandfather's face that he knew his secret was out. I watched my grandma read the letter and then pass it to my grandfather without saying a word, and watched as he read it and admitted to my dad that it was true afterwards. My dad asked him to leave the house and I remember him walking out the door, remember my grandma crying as she hugged me, and at the very end of it all, being told I could go downstairs to my room and go to bed.
I remember the events of the next several days - going to the police station to give a statement, asking my dad if my grandfather was going to go to jail and answering "No" when he asked me if I wanted to. I remember, vaguely, my grandma packing up her stuff at her house to move down where my grandfather was getting treatment and the items of hers that she gave me. But eventually, a 'new normal' just took over and my life without the abuse began.
As I remember all of these things at this time every year, I can't help but wonder how my life would be if things had happened differently. The biggest thing I wonder about is what would have happened if my dad had decided to press charges. Because I was a child, the decision was his and he didn't want me to have to go through the public ordeal of a trial and all the stresses that would bring. While I know he was just trying to protect his little girl, I know that I wouldn't have had to press charges against my grandfather myself as a 21-year-old if he had done it himself all those years ago. If what had happened to me was made public, all of my family would have been made aware of the truth, and the lies, silence, and anger wouldn't have taken such a hold that it did over the next several years. I wonder if my cousins and I, after we grew up playing together all those years, would have remained close instead of having to try to get to know each other today through Facebook and other means all these years later. I just can't help but wonder at all these things and so much more as I remember what happened this time of the year 19 years ago.
Fall also brings with it a lot of memories. Since I started working at a school 5 years ago, fall has meant trips to the pumpkin patch, parent/teacher conferences, the last days of recess without jackets, our annual speech meet, and the excitement for Halloween and Thanksgiving. But it also brings back memories, one big one specifically, from my childhood. It was the week or so before Halloween the year I was ten when I told my dad and stepmom about the abuse I had been suffering at the hands of my grandfather. I can remember it all like it happened yesterday - exactly where we were driving in town when I made up my mind to tell, dividing Halloween candy with my brother on the floor as I watched my dad and stepmom go downstairs to their bedroom where, a little earlier, I had left a letter telling them about the abuse, and I can still remember the moment I thought to myself, "This is it. There's no turning back now." I can remember in detail the events of later that evening as my dad confronted me about what I had said in the letter, the sadness and panic when he didn't believe me at first, the fear when he threatened to call my grandfather himself and ask if it was true, and eventually the feeling of defeat as I gave in and allowed my dad to call and ask my grandparents to come over. I can still remember them walking in the front door and up the stairs to the living room, the look on their faces, the feeling of being scared when I realized by the look on my grandfather's face that he knew his secret was out. I watched my grandma read the letter and then pass it to my grandfather without saying a word, and watched as he read it and admitted to my dad that it was true afterwards. My dad asked him to leave the house and I remember him walking out the door, remember my grandma crying as she hugged me, and at the very end of it all, being told I could go downstairs to my room and go to bed.
I remember the events of the next several days - going to the police station to give a statement, asking my dad if my grandfather was going to go to jail and answering "No" when he asked me if I wanted to. I remember, vaguely, my grandma packing up her stuff at her house to move down where my grandfather was getting treatment and the items of hers that she gave me. But eventually, a 'new normal' just took over and my life without the abuse began.
As I remember all of these things at this time every year, I can't help but wonder how my life would be if things had happened differently. The biggest thing I wonder about is what would have happened if my dad had decided to press charges. Because I was a child, the decision was his and he didn't want me to have to go through the public ordeal of a trial and all the stresses that would bring. While I know he was just trying to protect his little girl, I know that I wouldn't have had to press charges against my grandfather myself as a 21-year-old if he had done it himself all those years ago. If what had happened to me was made public, all of my family would have been made aware of the truth, and the lies, silence, and anger wouldn't have taken such a hold that it did over the next several years. I wonder if my cousins and I, after we grew up playing together all those years, would have remained close instead of having to try to get to know each other today through Facebook and other means all these years later. I just can't help but wonder at all these things and so much more as I remember what happened this time of the year 19 years ago.
Like you, I also love fall colors. However, I only have memories of fall in USA. In Sri Lanka every thing is green throught the year. [:) or :( I don't know!] I have collected wonderful memories of Dallas, TX, where this great country became my second mother to me. I firmly know that I have called to Sri Lanka and my ministry here is unique and unparalleled to any where. Therefore I choose to live and work till I die in this country--though I know much beauty can be seen else out there. Hope you will be happy in this fall--falling love with your little bundles of joy. I wish for wonderful time of joy in this time of end of the year and embanking on the second decade of 21st Century. Thank you very much for the birthday greeting--hope one day I can enjoy fall and the cold whether of Wyoming. . . Blessings!
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