Read Angie's Thoughts

During my first year at Trinity, a parent approached me on the playground and asked if I was interested in a kitten she had bought for her daughter. She told me the kitten had peed on the floor so the dad wanted to make it an outdoor cat but she thought she would ask me first. I said yes and the next afternoon she brought the kitten with her at the end of the school day. She was a cute little thing but I will be honest in saying my very first thought was, "Oh my, I hope she grows into those ears!" I had already decided to name her Calli since she was a calico and I already had a C-named cat at home - Christopher. When the mom told me her daughter had named her Picasso, I started calling her by the two names or, for short, Calli P. Calli was a handful right from the start! I had never seen a kitten with more spunk in my life, she was a riot! She and Christopher became friends and and we were a happy little family of 3. It didn't take long to notice that Calli had some bl

This year I find myself thankful for many, many things...here are some: 1. My Jesus - His love and forgiveness keep me going every day 2. My dad - more thankful for him each passing year 3. Maggie - gosh, I just love her SO much 4. Calli - even with her mental issues, she's still my cutie patootie 5. Lola - I'll never forget a morning last spring when I had put sticks and leaves in my hair as part of camping themed day at school and she lay behind my head on the couch and groomed my hair, pulling out all my decorations 6. My best friend Amy - surprising her in Dallas this summer was so much fun! 7. My new job with Ryan - what a sweet and funny little boy 8. My grandma Judy - her strength and determination make me want to be a better person 9. Lilly - my little Jelly Bean who loves to get her nails done on a Girls Day and refers to this holiday as Indian Day 10. Peyton - I just know he's going to grow up to play professional soccer. Gooooaaaaal! 11. Lola - such a

A year ago, I started on an adventure that I believed would change my life, open doors of possibilities, and make me more well-rounded as a person - grad school. It happened pretty innocently enough, I got a wild idea one Saturday morning to look at online Christian colleges to see if they had any Master's degrees I was interested in. Grand Canyon University offered a degree in Biblical Studies with an Emphasis on Youth and I was very interested in that. I started to fill out what I believed was a bunch of questions to create an online account with them so I could log on in the future. A few minutes later, as I was wondering about all the questions, a screen came up that said, "Congratulations! You have submitted your application for grad school" or something to that affect. *Gulp* What had I gotten myself into? The next couple of weeks consisted of filling out applications, many phone calls, and (what seemed to me) door after door opening that made me believe I was doi

I would be lying if I said my relationship with God hasn't suffered some in recent months. I've gone through a time of questioning Him, doubting Him, second guessing Him, and just flat out feeling as though He had let me down. Back in April, when I found out I was not returning to Trinity, I decided I was going to step out of my box when it came to prayer. I've never prayed specifically for things before, very specific things. I always believed that God had blessed me beyond all I deserved and I didn't have the right to ask Him for specific things I wanted and not necessarily needed. This time, though, I was going to try praying for 3 very specific things when it came to my next job: 1) working with kids 2) being able to take Maggie with me 3) health insurance Were they a bit of a stretch? Yes, I believed so, especially #2, but I believed God would answer my prayers. I even remember talking with a friend this summer about those requests and she said something abo

A few days ago, I had a revelation. One of those moments when my brain shouts, "Exactly!" Since I was a small child, I have had this ache in my heart as a result of growing up without a mom. It hurt then and it hurts now...the ache so intense at times that it still takes my breath away. So many times I have asked myself why it has bothered me so much, especially now as I'm 31 and a lifetime away from that little girl whose mom walked out. Now, completely out of the blue, it seems I've found the answer. I was reading a magazine article about Jeff Foxworthy and the mission work he has done overseas. His desire to help others who are less fortunate in other countries comes out of a deep hurt he carries over his father leaving his family when he was a child. He says, "When a parent leaves, you always have the feeling something was more important than you." That was it. My 'A-ha!' moment. I grew up believing, knowing , that someone or something was mo

"Be still and know that I am God"  ~ Psalm 46:9 I've heard this verse many times in my faith walk but never has it had as much meaning in my life as it does at this time. Be still and know that I am God. Be still. Be. Still. When I walked out of Trinity's doors at the end of May, I was convinced God had an amazing plan for my life. I still do, don't get me wrong, but things haven't exactly panned out in the way I hoped. In the way I planned. In Angie's Plan, I would spend the summer dog-sitting and doing various jobs until God placed the perfect full-time job in my path by the time school started at the end of August. Since I started kindergarten as a wee 5 year old, I've lived my life on an academic schedule - working Monday thru Friday from 8 until 3 and taking all major holidays and summer off and I expected that to continue. Well, the last day of August has come and gone and I am still without that dream job  I was sure God had coming my way.

"Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." ~ Mark 9:24 Doubt. I struggle with it at times and I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me in spite of that. I'd like to think that since coming to know the Lord as an 18 year old, I've become an optimistic kind of gal. That's a far cry from high school when I was one of the most pessimistic people I knew! Yes, there have been dark moments in my walk of faith where I really struggled with what in the world God was doing but as the years have passed and I've watched Him meet every one of my needs, I've just come to believe all things work for my good and His purpose. So it's been kind of unfamiliar territory me as lately I've found myself struggling mightily with doubt. I won't lie - I've had some really difficult moments and even days where I struggle hard with believing that God really does have a plan for my life and that it's

As humans, we are well practiced at playing the blame game. Pointing to someone else for our faults or mistakes is a concept grasped as early as our toddler years. It takes humility and a great swallowing of pride to own up to doing something wrong and it's hard. But what about blaming ourselves for something that necessarily isn't our fault? I admit I do that...A LOT. When things happen that are beyond my understanding, I often find myself wondering what I did to cause them because blaming myself is so much easier than trying to accept what is beyond my understanding. For example, there are still times (foolishly, I know) where I blame myself for my mom leaving. Maybe I was a difficult child and hard to discipline. Maybe I was one of those frustrating children that make moms want to pull their hair out. Logically I know these are irrational thoughts but at times, it's easier to believe those things rather than try to understand the real reason she left, which I may neve

A few days ago, I read a book called "A Walk Across the Sun' by Corban Addison. Wow. At times it made me cry and at times it left me speechless. The book is about two teenage sisters in India who survive the awful tsunami that happened there the day after Christmas in 2004 only to be sold into human trafficking, more specifically, sex trafficking. The older girl ends up being rescued while still in India while the younger is eventually rescued in America, after multiple 'jobs' in India and France.  Yes, both girls eventually get rescued but the sad reality is in the life outside of a fiction novel, rescuing is something that rarely happens to the millions of boys and girls who are trafficked daily in the United States and many other countries in the world. I've spend countless moments of my adult years pondering the deep question forced upon me in my childhood years - what in the world possesses an adult to want to have sex with a child?  It is unfathomable to me

Last week, I went to watch a play at the high school and as I was sitting in the audience, I was thinking about how I had been in that exact same theater exactly a year ago watching a different play. One year had passed and I was hit by the enormity of all that has changed in those 365 days. Here are a few of the big changes... As I sat in the audience last year, I had just finished my last day of school for the summer and I was exited to take a few months off before beginning another year with new students. I had a job secured for the coming fall, and that thought comforted me greatly. This year, I sat in the audience with no idea what this fall will hold for me. I don't have a job waiting for me, I don't have the security of knowing my classroom is still at the end of the hall just waiting for the presence of myself and my students. Last year, if someone had told me on that the coming year at Trinity would be my last, I would have laughed and thought them crazy. I had no id

*Sigh* Here I sit...the eve of my last day as a teacher at Trinity Lutheran School. This is what I have been praying so hard for through the past seven weeks, that God would prepare my heart to leave this job I love. This day has come SO fast but at the same time, almost too slow with the point of the buildup being so intense that I just want it to be over already. I have tried to treasure the past days with my students, savoring each moment with their smiling faces, their kind hearts, and their sweet and tender spirits. There aren't words to express how much I love and care for them. Besides missing the students, their parents, and the staff, there is another aspect of leaving Trinity that has, at times, been unbearable. As I leave Trinity, I am leaving behind a friendship with a dear woman that has, over the years, become the mom I never had. I worked at Trinity for three years and to be honest, this woman intimidated the mess out of me! Knowing I would have to talk with her or

~For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ When I was in Arizona at Christmas, I was shopping at a Christian bookstore and came across a ring with part of this verse printed on it and I knew it was a reminder I would need on my finger in the months to come. I had just learned I would be leaving Trinity after the 2012-13 school year and I had absolutely NO idea what the future held beyond that. Since the decision was made about two months ago that this year would actually be my last at TLS, this verse has taken on even more importance and meaning. I am down to the last five days. Five. Such a small number. Five more days with my students that I have come to love and adore as I would my own (as much as a teacher can, anyway). Five more days with staff members I have come to consider wonderful friends. Five more days at a job where my dog Maggie is free to join me and is welcomed

I wish I could put a happy twist into this post or try to be more upbeat and positive but the truth is, I'm sad. Really sad. My job at Trinity ends in about a month and that realization is, at times, almost more than I can bear. I hear other teachers counting down the days and up until a couple weeks ago, I was one of those same teachers, looking forward to the end of the school year. Now I find myself trying to hang on to each day, each moment with my 8 students, even with the one that is especially testing my patience, tempting me to just wring his little neck. I did really well the first few days of this week. I got to tell my students on Monday that I won't be back next year and the secret I had been carrying on my shoulders for the past several days was gone. However, a new load has planted itself on my shoulders and man, it is so heavy some days. The sadness and reality of my situation just seems to sit there and there is such weight and 'fullness' to it

I love the Christian group Phillips, Craig, and Dean (PCD) and have many of their albums. When I realized they had a new one out, I instantly downloaded it to my ipod and made myself a CD for my car. A couple of their songs really stood out to me but the one that is making the greatest impression right now is called, "All is Well." I'd like to think that though I don't read my Bible daily and my church attendance isn't all that regular (both of which I'm trying to improve) I am a person of faith. Generally speaking, it's not hard for me to believe that God has a plan for me and for His entire creation. As I've grown in my faith over the years, I've fretted less and less over things out of my control because I just have this peace that all will be well. The temptation to fret has been great the last 24 hours. Originally, the plan for my job was that next year would be my last teaching at Trinity Lutheran. By May of 2013, they would need to be me

I've been debating in my head whether or not I should even write this blog. Does anyone even care? Is it as big a deal to my few readers as it is to me? Are my blogs starting to sound repetitive? Whiny? I'm not sure of the answers to any of these questions. I put myself out there on this blog and most times I get few, if any, comments or thoughts from those that read it. Lack of feedback makes me question whether my writing is worth reading or if it's not interesting or what. But the main reason I started this blog was to get my thoughts out there and let those who want to, read it. So I will proceed! *It is such a powerful name. Mommy means "I trust you." Mommy means "You will protect me." Mommy is for shouting when you need someone dependable and for laughing with when you are excited; Mommy is for crying on and cuddling with when you are sad or giggling and hiding behind when you are embarassed. Mommy is the fixer of boo-boos and the mender of

My life has taken an unexpected turn in the past couple of days but the change has given me a sense of peace and certainty that I was lacking before. In November, I began a masters degree through Grand Canyon University. I was motivated, excited, and thought it was the direction God was calling me in. I took two classes and realized I needed a break before starting the third. I had other things I was committed to that were taking a lot of my time and attention away from my class and I just needed some time off. Fast forward to this week. As I started the week, every time I thought about starting another class on Thursday (when my two week break would be over) I was filled with a sense of dread. I logged onto GCU's website just to make sure things were still on track and found that the class they had me scheduled to start on Thursday was not the one my academic counselor had told me I would be taking. It wasn't a big deal to me, I just figured they had an opening in this new c

Not too long ago, a friend of mine wrote a blog about grieving the loss of her hair because she has a condition called alopecia ( http://sandrakelly.blogspot.com/2012/02/qualifying-our-problems.html ). Her blog really tugged on my heartstrings not only because I feel a great sadness and compassion for her, but also because there are times I try to minimize things I get sad about instead of just giving myself permission to grieve. (For the most part, I am talking about the issue of not having a mom and not so much the abuse I experienced as a child. For whatever reason, I don't feel much sadness over the abuse. I think that's because I have a peace about what happened and as time goes on, it affects my life less and less.) When did crying become so shameful for people? I have a friend who recently told me she hates crying in front of people and another friend who is always saying, "Get over it _______". I think we all can relate to these same thoughts. I certainly do

I heard a pastor once describe coveting as 'wanting something God didn't intend for you to have,' and boy, does that definition pierce right through my heart. So, God didn't intend for me to grow up with a mom? God didn't intend for me to have a loving grandfather who would dote on me the way most grandpas do on their granddaughters? Or, let me spin it like this: God intended for me to have a mom who would walk out when I was three and continue to live a self-centered life even now, almost three decades later? God intended for me to have a grandfather who would take advantage of my body and treat me as a sex object? Believe me when I say I ask God these questions a lot - sometimes out of a deep sadness and sometimes out of great anger. I am so thankful I serve a God that understands where my anger comes from and still loves me in spite of it. I try to make peace with these questions and there are day I succeed. On those days it is easy to believe that for whatever