The View From Five Days Out

~For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~

When I was in Arizona at Christmas, I was shopping at a Christian bookstore and came across a ring with part of this verse printed on it and I knew it was a reminder I would need on my finger in the months to come. I had just learned I would be leaving Trinity after the 2012-13 school year and I had absolutely NO idea what the future held beyond that. Since the decision was made about two months ago that this year would actually be my last at TLS, this verse has taken on even more importance and meaning.

I am down to the last five days. Five. Such a small number. Five more days with my students that I have come to love and adore as I would my own (as much as a teacher can, anyway). Five more days with staff members I have come to consider wonderful friends. Five more days at a job where my dog Maggie is free to join me and is welcomed and loved by all. Five more days...

I would like to be able to say that my faith has only gotten stronger over the past weeks as I have faced the ending of this chapter of my life. Honestly, though, I have questioned God so much, even in anger at times, and am still no closer to an answer than I was seven weeks ago when I found out I would not be coming back to Trinity. I still believe He has my best in mind and would never orchestrate something like this in my life just to hurt me. I struggle with wondering what, exactly, could be better than the life I am living now. We had our closing program last week and after the school board recognized me for my years of service at Trinity, I got a standing ovation from parents and students. As I stood on that stage only minutes later with the entire school to sing our closing song, I asked God over and over, "What could be better than this? I love this. This is where my heart is." I have asked God that same question many times recently and I fall so short of finding the answer.

One night last week as I was laying in bed and crying about all of this, I had a realization as to why leaving Trinity is so hard for me, beside the obvious reason of absolutely loving my work there. As I lay there that night, I had a realization. I've always thought of myself as pretty pathetic because I've been more emotional than most people seem to be. My brother never cried when we left our mom after a summer visit, my stepsister never cried when leaving her dad either. But me, I bawled like a baby starting days before it was time to leave. I even cried when leaving my dad to go visit my mom...and my brother never shed a tear. My mom never cried when we left, none of my other relatives cried either. But I did. In high school, when upperclassmen who had been my friends would graduate, I would cry. And not the usual 'Goodbye and good luck' kind of cry, I mean a deep down, heart wrenching pain at the thought of not seeing them every day. The same when teachers in high school would move away. I would feel that loss more deeply than other students. Even as an adult, when friends have moved away or just moved on in life, I've cried like a baby and felt sorrow for weeks over that loss.

These feelings I feel about leaving Trinity have put me right back in the shoes of myself as a little girl in the days before I would have to leave my mom. The rest of the world was going on around me - everyone making plans and carrying on because FOR THEM, life would continue on. Meanwhile, I was so devastated because I wouldn't be a part of it. Life for the teachers at Trinity will continue to go on, whether I am there or not. The  program last Tuesday will not be their last, it will be one of many more to come. Enjoying this final week with their students won't be their last ever, they will do it all over again next year. Their life at Trinity will go on for God knows how many more years. They see the coming days as the last before a summer break and starting it all over again. For me, though, this is it...forever...at Trinity. I'm watching the rest of them go on with your lives as usual, as this just being the end of another year, and it is KILLING me to know I won't be a part of it all when it starts up again. Even after the last day at Trinity, there will be months of knowing the teachers and students are beginning another year and I'm not part of it. Just like when I was little and would be back with my dad and remember, 'Oh, it's Wednesday. Today mom is doing...', I will be remembering certain days that hold importance at Trinity for months to come. It's so overwhelming to even think about, let alone knowing I will have to face it. An optimist would say that perhaps the next job God gives me will consume me in such a way that I won't remember those things about Trinity but I'm just not that optimistic, even if I do have a wonderful job I love just as much as TLS.

These are my thoughts for tonight. There will be more in the coming days and weeks and I thank you ahead of time for listening and sending prayers my way.