Read Angie's Thoughts

As I have struggled with hurts from my past in recent days, I have also witnessed dear friends of mine dealing with a heartbreaking situation in their own family and tonight I find myself profoundly sad about so many things - foster children being moved from safe homes with families that love them back to their parents who don't have their best interests in mind; children who have experienced abuse that leaves them paralyzed with shame; families who continue to fight and let their own selfish motives stand in the way even as a loved one has died tragically and suddenly; foster parents who give everything for those in their care and yet watch them make decisions that hurt everyone around them; young girls who, for whatever reason, feel so insecure that they write horrible things about others who have done them no harm; children who grow up without a parent and still feel that loss so profoundly as they live their lives as grownups. The pain in this life can be overwhelming at times ...

I spent Christmas this year in Arizona and got to spend time with my beautiful niece Lilly. My time with her is always way too short and I love her to pieces. I sleep in her room when I am there and on Christmas night, I was looking at some pictures of her that I found on her dresser and all of a sudden, this deep sadness washed over me and I found myself crying for the next hour or so. Lilly is 3 years old - so full of innocence, energy, personality, and is growing up so much every day and yet still loves to have someone cuddle with her. Her world consists of her mommy and daddy, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, her friends at school and each day is a brand new adventure. As I looked at those pictures and thought about my time with her over the past few days, I couldn't help but think that I was 3 years old when my abuse started. I look at Lilly, at ALL children, and can't even conceive of hurting them in that way. The thought never even crosses my mind. I can't compr...

Warning: This blog is LONG and 'wordy' but I just let my heart talk through my fingers... "No matter what the pain, He cares...about every single tear." ~ Scott Krippayne These words are from a song called "Every Single Tear" that I downloaded over a year ago when I was in the midst of a struggle with what would later be a diagnosis of major depression. I found great comfort in the words at the time because I had cried more tears than I had ever cried before and in the midst of my trying to figure out what in the world was going on inside of me, God knew. He knew every single tear and, as my favorite line of the song states, "Your heart is what He hears when the world just hears you crying." But even these soothing words could do nothing to touch the pain I experienced this past weekend. By Sunday night I lay in bed trying to sleep, tormented by thoughts that had never crossed my mind before, even in those dark days before I started taking medicati...

One of the highlights of teaching this year has been our Read Aloud time every day after lunch. I enjoy reading to my students so much! I love to watch their faces light up with joy when something good happens, their brows furrow when something bad is happening, and sit forward in anticipation when I get to a really good part. For several months, we read through all of the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary. I loved those books when I was younger and it was a wonderful experience to be able to share the stories with my students. Ramona always seemed to be getting into some sort of trouble, usually without even realizing it at the time! In one book, after having a particularly rough day, her mom comes to talk to comfort her as Ramona is crying her little heart out. Her mom asks what she can do to help Ramon and she replies fiercely, "Love me!" How many of us have issued that same plea in our own lives? I will be the first to admit that I have - often. We all want to be loved, it...

I've always been a big advocate of bringing scary and painful things out of the dark in order to help others. That's why I've never shied away from talking about the sexual abuse in my past in order to help others who are facing a similar struggle. Well, it's coming up on a year of fighting a battle in my life that I've only told a handful of people about. Like being abused, this issue carried a lot of shame for me at first and I only told the people I did because I knew I would need their support to get through it. If you were keeping up with my blog at this time last year, you will remember that I was going through a time of feeling down and discouraged about life in general. I threw around the word 'depressed' a few times because it seemed to sum up what I was experiencing. My grandma encouraged me to see my doctor to see if there were any biological reasons for my feeling so down. My doctor is a Christian who knows me personally and I couldn't have a...

(Not sure who made the video but at least you can hear the song!)  I love this song. Written by Steven Curtis Chapman after his youngest daughter Maria was killed in an accident at their home in May 2008, it not only speaks to the pain he and his family have endured over the past 21 months but to many life situations that we all face. This song shows us that, 'whatever valley you must walk through, Jesus will meet you there.' Lately it seem as though I've prayed for Jesus to not only meet me where I am struggling, but also where I know friends are facing hurts and struggles of their own. A sister in Christ is facing infidelity in her marriage where she is questioning so much and trying to keep Satan from having his way in all that has happened; a friend is getting ready to welcome her little boy into this world while grieving the loss of her only brother only a couple of weeks before Christmas; 10 Christians are being held in Haiti on charges amidst ...

In recent weeks, I have been wrestling again with God over the issue of my mom, or rather, my not having a mom. This issue tends to rear its ugly head every now and then, usually when I least expect it. It usually starts with my becoming more aware of the interactions taking place around me between moms and their children. Working at a school, I see a lot of those interactions and lately, watching them has left a familiar pang in my chest. Then comes the heaviness of heart and the tears when I lay in bed at night trying to fall asleep. Along with those tears come the familiar questions I've asked myself since I was a little girl, the biggest one being, "Why didn't she want me?" As I lay in bed last night, having cried until there were no tears left, I began thinking back over the many issues I've dealt with in my life. Between the abuse issues, the mom issues, and all the issues in between, I really have dealt with some difficult ones. What I realized is that even...

I wasn’t raised in an affectionate family. My dad wasn’t affectionate towards me growing up, and even today he’s not an affectionate person. I know he loves me, he shows it many other ways, but just not through physical touch. Not having a mom around didn’t help things either. Moms are traditionally known to be the more affectionate parent and that was clearly lacking in my childhood. Basically it all boils down to the fact that growing up, I was rarely touched in a way that wasn’t abusive at the hands of my grandfather. I often think back to the night I told my dad and step-mom about the abuse. After my grandparents left our house, my grandfather have just admitted that what I was accusing him of was true, my dad said I could go to bed. A little while later, he called me back up and asked me a couple questions to clarify some things I had said, and then I went back downstairs to my bedroom. I can remember feeling such a huge relief that the secret I had been keeping for the past seven...

When it comes to getting a message from God, subtlety just doesn't work with me. I need in-your-face, can't-miss-it, definitely-from-God proof that he really is speaking to my heart about something. Lately, He's been helping me face the fact that I go through many days of my life wearing a mask. An 'I'm fine! Life is great!' mask that I use to try to convince everyone around me, and even myself, that things are good and life couldn't be better. Please don't get me wrong. For the most part, my life really is great. I am content to be single, I have a job I absolutely love, and I come home each evening to the two cutest cats and one lovable dog a person could ask for. I am blessed beyond measure and really am so thankful for everything God has given me. My struggle is with being authentic and 'real' with people. Because of past hurts and betrayals, I have built walls around my heart to protect myself from further pain. I know that causes me to come...

"...there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" ~ 2 Corinthians 12:7-9   It's been one of those hard weeks for me, one where I find myself (AGAIN!) missing having a mom. Just writing that now brings tears to my eyes. I can go weeks where this doesn't bother me and just when I least expect it or begin to think I'm making some progress, *bam!* it hits me again. I get so frustrated - both with myself and with God. I get frustrated with myself because I'm 28 years old and I keep thinking that this shouldn't bother me anymore. Why can't I just get over the fact that my mom isn't a part of my life and move on already? Seriously! Why does it still bring tears to my eyes and an unbearable anguish to my heart after 25 years? I wish I could understand! I also get ...

I just finished reading a book called "Falling Into the Face of God" by William Elliott. In it, he goes into the Judean desert for 40 days like Jesus did. The book tells about his adventures he has and all the thoughts he has as God leads him through his time in the desert. There were a few things he said that caught my attention, but this one really struck a chord in me: "Then a deep sadness wells up from within me as I realize there has always been a secret, hidden part of me that has always felt I'm not doing things right or good enough." Boy, can I relate to those feelings! I think one of the biggest impacts the traumas in my childhood had on me was that I grew up believing I wasn't good enough. I honestly believed there was something innately wrong with me that made me unlovable.  Children are very ego-centric by nature, they think the whole world literally revolves around them. I believed my mom had left because I had done something wrong, something so...

"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." ~ Exodus 20:12 Of the 10 commandments, this one is the hardest for me understand and live out. It's easy to honor my father since he has given up so much for me and we have such a great relationship. I struggle with honoring a mother who left when I was three because she had more important things to do. She never made me a priority in her life and was only being a mom when it was convenient for her - usually a month or so in the summer. I can't recall her ever having made a single sacrifice for me. Her life has been the epitome of selfishness and I don't know how to honor that. I have been so blessed, however, to see this commandment lived out in the life of a friend of mine in a way that encourages me greatly and touches my heart. Last year, her dad was diagnosed with cancer and died within a few months. During those last weeks, she would take 2 weeks off o...

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands" Isaiah 49:15-16 Have you ever had a wrestling match with God that seems to go on forever? Just when you think you've learned what He is trying to teach you and you come to some sort of peace with it all, you hear the *Tweet* of the whistle and know you're in for another exhausting round? That's where I am right now with God...rather, where I've been for the past few years and I'm telling ya, some days the battle gets so intense that I'm ready to crawl to a corner of the mat, curl up into a ball and give up. Seriously. I grew up without a mom and I know I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again, but it has been hard...really hard. I always hoped the pain would fade as I grew older but instead, it only seems to intensify with time. I wish I knew w...

I'm not sure what to say in the first blog under this category. I guess in a nutshell: my mom left when I was three and even now, 24 years later, the wound is still deep and I still struggle so much at times with how her decision has affected me. I think that at the age of 27 I should be over this and that it shouldn't hurt anymore, but I think that in the past couple of years, the hurt is the strongest it's ever been. This is one area of my life especially where I am eager to see how God will use this hurt and what good will come of it.