A Peace That Never Comes
In recent weeks, I have been wrestling again with God over the issue of my mom, or rather, my not having a mom. This issue tends to rear its ugly head every now and then, usually when I least expect it. It usually starts with my becoming more aware of the interactions taking place around me between moms and their children. Working at a school, I see a lot of those interactions and lately, watching them has left a familiar pang in my chest. Then comes the heaviness of heart and the tears when I lay in bed at night trying to fall asleep. Along with those tears come the familiar questions I've asked myself since I was a little girl, the biggest one being, "Why didn't she want me?"
As I lay in bed last night, having cried until there were no tears left, I began thinking back over the many issues I've dealt with in my life. Between the abuse issues, the mom issues, and all the issues in between, I really have dealt with some difficult ones. What I realized is that even though there are still abuse issues I deal with and probably will always be some, I have a peace with that part of my past. I have a peace with the fact that it happened and that God has used it, and I pray will continue to use it, to help others who have walked a similar path. But I struggle with finding a peace with what happened with my mom. I don't know how to find a peace with it let alone how to use it to help others who have also been abandoned. I get so frustrated with myself at times, thinking that by now I should be over it and that it shouldn't hurt anymore. Or at the very least, that the pain should be a dull ache and not a throbbing wound that feels as though the scab has been ripped off. I've prayed about this, I've talked with other people about it, and cried buckets of tears over this. So why can't I find a peace?
How Do You Find Peace
How do you find peace with the pain
that sneaks up on you,
that overwhelms you,
that leaves you breathless?
How do you find peace with the memories
that consume you,
that haunt you,
that leave you bitter?
How do you find peace with the questions
that fill you with doubt,
that torment you,
that have no answers?
How do you find peace with the past
the pain,
the memories,
the questions?
How do you find peace with that which you don’t understand?
As I lay in bed last night, having cried until there were no tears left, I began thinking back over the many issues I've dealt with in my life. Between the abuse issues, the mom issues, and all the issues in between, I really have dealt with some difficult ones. What I realized is that even though there are still abuse issues I deal with and probably will always be some, I have a peace with that part of my past. I have a peace with the fact that it happened and that God has used it, and I pray will continue to use it, to help others who have walked a similar path. But I struggle with finding a peace with what happened with my mom. I don't know how to find a peace with it let alone how to use it to help others who have also been abandoned. I get so frustrated with myself at times, thinking that by now I should be over it and that it shouldn't hurt anymore. Or at the very least, that the pain should be a dull ache and not a throbbing wound that feels as though the scab has been ripped off. I've prayed about this, I've talked with other people about it, and cried buckets of tears over this. So why can't I find a peace?
How Do You Find Peace
How do you find peace with the pain
that sneaks up on you,
that overwhelms you,
that leaves you breathless?
How do you find peace with the memories
that consume you,
that haunt you,
that leave you bitter?
How do you find peace with the questions
that fill you with doubt,
that torment you,
that have no answers?
How do you find peace with the past
the pain,
the memories,
the questions?
How do you find peace with that which you don’t understand?
My heart goes for you, while I read about your pain. Sometimes it seems, pain cause by others, especially by love ones never get healed. These kinds of painful thoughts come, mostly, when we are in alone and in nights—therefore it is better to be connected with the community. However, I think we have to recognize that some things happened in our lives are irreparable. . . I think, only way to be free from them is move on with life. . .I am very sorry for all what happened in the past, and I hope you will find secure love (already found God’s love) that could cover all your hurts and starts a new journey of happiness. I will be remembering you in my prayers. I am afraid, what happened past cannot be mendable—that is the bitter truth. I don’t know what happened with your mother and the answers for your questions. Sometimes people become selfish, and they only think about themselves and their individual happiness (of course America is famous for its slogan of “pursuit of happiness”—in cost of others). On the other hand, as a mother, a person has to give up lot, and do considerable sacrifice for her children. Some are unable to do that—unfortunately, such people create a mess that finally becomes a suffering to them and others closely connected. I’m sorry for the things happened, and are in this way—I wish things were not like that (but of course I realized that’s not the reality). Lets looks for a future that is much brighter and sunnier than the past—and I hope you find strength to face such pains in your life—on the other hand you have lot of caring friends around you! They are thinking and willingly participate with you in the suffering by listing and giving their comforting words and caring hugs to you. Please be happy and put a smile on your face—look ahead—I assure you, the future is bright and sunnier!!!
ReplyDelete“Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: aforgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead” (Philippians 3:13 ).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGC1UjVJ99I&feature=related
May the dear Lord bless you richly,
Ravin_