A Broken Hallelujah

Recently, I have followed the suggestions of some close friends and started to write a book about my experiences with sexual abuse and the abandonment by my mom. My first attempt at writing was this past summer, but I didn't have much success. I have a book full of poems that I wrote years ago when going to counseling and really in the middle of working through my abuse issues and my idea was to take each poem and write some background information on what I was dealing with when I wrote it. As hard as I tried, the words just weren't flowing and sitting down to write was such a struggle, so I gave up and stopped trying to force it.

A few weeks ago, I was thinking again about how I wanted to use my life and my past experiences to help other people and a new idea of how to write my story came to mind. I decided just to start at the beginning and write how things happened. I started asking people close to me questions about things I didn't know or couldn't remember and just started writing. It's been amazing to watch the words just flow out and experience the ease with which they have come. I don't write each day, but I've found that when I do have the 'urge' to write and then sit down to do it, I can write page after page without even hesitating. As I've gone along, I have shared my writing with a few close friends in order to get their feedback and suggestions.

While it has been freeing to write about the things that have happened in my life with such openness and transparency, I have to admit it has also been somewhat of a struggle at times. While the fact that I was abused and grew up without a mom crosses my mind each day and there seems to always been some issue to work through, it's not often that I take the time to really sit and think through all that has happened in my life at one time. Taking the time to write about certain events of my life has brought up some strong memories and emotions. I've started having dreams about some of these memories and have experienced times during the day when I'm overwhelmed with all of this swirling through my head and I can't help but cry.

As difficult as it has been some days, I'm praying it will all be worth it in the end. My heart's desire with all of this writing is to publish a book that will give hope and encouragement to others going through similar struggles. I pray each time I write that God would give me the words that will not only help others, but give all credit and glory to Him. I want the heart of my message to be that God alone can give the healing and restoration I've experienced in my own life. I owe Him my entire life.

This evening I was walking Maggie and listening to one of my favorite songs by Mandisa called Broken Hallelujah. I realized the message of her song has been a repeating theme in my life the past few weeks as I've continued to praise God through all these broken areas of my life. While they are heartbreaking and at times the pain and realization take my breath away, I fight to keep my eyes on Him when Satan wants nothing more than to discourage me and bring me down. Like Mandisa says, "How could I doubt your goodness, your wisdom, your grace, So Lord hear my heart in this painful place..."