Invisible Pain
Warning: This blog is LONG and 'wordy' but I just let my heart talk through my fingers...
"No matter what the pain, He cares...about every single tear." ~ Scott Krippayne
These words are from a song called "Every Single Tear" that I downloaded over a year ago when I was in the midst of a struggle with what would later be a diagnosis of major depression. I found great comfort in the words at the time because I had cried more tears than I had ever cried before and in the midst of my trying to figure out what in the world was going on inside of me, God knew. He knew every single tear and, as my favorite line of the song states, "Your heart is what He hears when the world just hears you crying."
But even these soothing words could do nothing to touch the pain I experienced this past weekend. By Sunday night I lay in bed trying to sleep, tormented by thoughts that had never crossed my mind before, even in those dark days before I started taking medication for the depression. The weekend started off great, Friday evening found me looking forward to the two days ahead and there wasn't a single cloud on the horizon of my mind. Then, a seemingly harmless chat on Facebook with a friend about his mom and a night filled with dream after dream where I was reminded of the fact that I don't have an adult relationship with a mom found me awakened Saturday morning weighed down by the storm clouds that had filled my heart.
Added to that was the fact that I needed some clothes for school and had to go shopping. Now, something a lot of people don't know about me is that I hate, with a passion, buying new clothes. They can be a ridiculous amount of money for one thing, but my biggest issue with clothes is trying them on. One result of my grandfather's actions against me as a child that has stayed with me longer than many of the others is the issue of body image. Basically, in a nutshell, I hate the femininity of my body. I hate that it attracted my grandfather as a child, I hate that it attracts men now, and I am always SO careful to make sure my body is covered. It is a constant thought when I get dressed every morning, and even more so when I am trying on clothes.
After I came home everything just hit me so hard and I found myself a bawling, snotty mess. I was tired of hurting over the issue of a mom, as it is a pain that will be dormant for a time and then suddenly hit with a vengeance. I was angry with my grandfather for making choices that still affect me today, choices that cause me to hate a body that was made in the image of GOD. It never hit me in that way until Saturday - that because of another person's actions, something that was created in the image of God is something I despise.
These thoughts and feelings continued to stew inside of me and by Sunday night, I had reached the lowest point I think I've ever been in. I was tired of crying, I was tired of hurting and I was tired physically but sleep proved to be elusive. I had reached out to a couple of friends at different points in the weekend and after getting either silence as a reaction or being told I needed to figure out how to let the pain stop controlling me and move on, I had just hit the bottom. One thing I can't get across to people is that if I knew how to get control of the pain, especially concerning the issue with not having a mom, I would. I would do it in a heartbeat because honestly, the pain I experience when I go through those times is so unrelenting that all I can do is take life minute by minute until it passes.
I came to three different conclusions that night before sleep finally came after 2 in the morning. First, I wished so much that the pain of abuse - the emotional and mental scars - were visible. I have a friend who was diagnosed in her teens with diabetes. Unless some cure can be found, she will live with this disease until the day she dies. It is visible to others that she has diabetes not only because of her insulin pump, but also because of the care she has to take with her diet and her health in general. When she has a bad day because of the diabetes, people can look at her and think, 'Yeah, that diabetes card has got to be a rough one to live with." Her disease, though within her body, has outward signs that others can see. Abuse survivors don't have that luxury. Their friends and loved ones are usually only aware of their pain when it becomes so overwhelming that it spills out in physical ways. Those people only see the effects of the mental and emotional pain when it's at its very worst and so the reaction when it comes to these hurts is "Wow, they are still dealing with those issues? Why can't they move on already? I had already forgotten all about it!" That night, the invisible effects of the abuse and abandonment in my past were absolutely deafening.
Second, I realized for the first time how a person can get to the point where they are ready to end their lives and honestly not care about any of the consequences or repercussions of that decision would be. The temptation I faced to go drive my car into a tree or off the road, in a way that would appear to everyone as accidental and not intentional, was unlike anything I had ever faced in my life. The only thought that kept me home, and I'm serious when I say the only thought, was the knowledge of who my 6 students would have for a teacher the rest of the year. I was just so ready to be done with my life. The thought of working through the pain this time, only to have it come back again when I least expect it, was more than I ever wanted to face again.
Lastly, I understood in a way I never had before, why people drink or do drugs to forget their pain. For the first time in my life, I was hit with those temptations just so I could get away. I do have an unhealthy way of coping with my pain when it gets overwhelming but that's another blog for another time. For now it is enough to say I could understand that need to just forget the pain, even if only until the high wore off.
Thankfully, I am able to say I am in a better place now, a few days later. As I was telling a friend about all of this yesterday, she asked what it is that gets me through the unbearable moments to the place where I can, like now, look back and see how irrational my thoughts were. For me, it's just taking the simple day-to-day moments as they come - getting up in the morning and making the choice to go to school, putting my focus and energy on the six blessings God has placed in my care this year, going home, eating dinner, and then going to bed only start it again the next day. One day at a time...sometimes it's the only way any of us can make it through our time here on earth.
"No matter what the pain, He cares...about every single tear." ~ Scott Krippayne
These words are from a song called "Every Single Tear" that I downloaded over a year ago when I was in the midst of a struggle with what would later be a diagnosis of major depression. I found great comfort in the words at the time because I had cried more tears than I had ever cried before and in the midst of my trying to figure out what in the world was going on inside of me, God knew. He knew every single tear and, as my favorite line of the song states, "Your heart is what He hears when the world just hears you crying."
But even these soothing words could do nothing to touch the pain I experienced this past weekend. By Sunday night I lay in bed trying to sleep, tormented by thoughts that had never crossed my mind before, even in those dark days before I started taking medication for the depression. The weekend started off great, Friday evening found me looking forward to the two days ahead and there wasn't a single cloud on the horizon of my mind. Then, a seemingly harmless chat on Facebook with a friend about his mom and a night filled with dream after dream where I was reminded of the fact that I don't have an adult relationship with a mom found me awakened Saturday morning weighed down by the storm clouds that had filled my heart.
Added to that was the fact that I needed some clothes for school and had to go shopping. Now, something a lot of people don't know about me is that I hate, with a passion, buying new clothes. They can be a ridiculous amount of money for one thing, but my biggest issue with clothes is trying them on. One result of my grandfather's actions against me as a child that has stayed with me longer than many of the others is the issue of body image. Basically, in a nutshell, I hate the femininity of my body. I hate that it attracted my grandfather as a child, I hate that it attracts men now, and I am always SO careful to make sure my body is covered. It is a constant thought when I get dressed every morning, and even more so when I am trying on clothes.
After I came home everything just hit me so hard and I found myself a bawling, snotty mess. I was tired of hurting over the issue of a mom, as it is a pain that will be dormant for a time and then suddenly hit with a vengeance. I was angry with my grandfather for making choices that still affect me today, choices that cause me to hate a body that was made in the image of GOD. It never hit me in that way until Saturday - that because of another person's actions, something that was created in the image of God is something I despise.
These thoughts and feelings continued to stew inside of me and by Sunday night, I had reached the lowest point I think I've ever been in. I was tired of crying, I was tired of hurting and I was tired physically but sleep proved to be elusive. I had reached out to a couple of friends at different points in the weekend and after getting either silence as a reaction or being told I needed to figure out how to let the pain stop controlling me and move on, I had just hit the bottom. One thing I can't get across to people is that if I knew how to get control of the pain, especially concerning the issue with not having a mom, I would. I would do it in a heartbeat because honestly, the pain I experience when I go through those times is so unrelenting that all I can do is take life minute by minute until it passes.
I came to three different conclusions that night before sleep finally came after 2 in the morning. First, I wished so much that the pain of abuse - the emotional and mental scars - were visible. I have a friend who was diagnosed in her teens with diabetes. Unless some cure can be found, she will live with this disease until the day she dies. It is visible to others that she has diabetes not only because of her insulin pump, but also because of the care she has to take with her diet and her health in general. When she has a bad day because of the diabetes, people can look at her and think, 'Yeah, that diabetes card has got to be a rough one to live with." Her disease, though within her body, has outward signs that others can see. Abuse survivors don't have that luxury. Their friends and loved ones are usually only aware of their pain when it becomes so overwhelming that it spills out in physical ways. Those people only see the effects of the mental and emotional pain when it's at its very worst and so the reaction when it comes to these hurts is "Wow, they are still dealing with those issues? Why can't they move on already? I had already forgotten all about it!" That night, the invisible effects of the abuse and abandonment in my past were absolutely deafening.
Second, I realized for the first time how a person can get to the point where they are ready to end their lives and honestly not care about any of the consequences or repercussions of that decision would be. The temptation I faced to go drive my car into a tree or off the road, in a way that would appear to everyone as accidental and not intentional, was unlike anything I had ever faced in my life. The only thought that kept me home, and I'm serious when I say the only thought, was the knowledge of who my 6 students would have for a teacher the rest of the year. I was just so ready to be done with my life. The thought of working through the pain this time, only to have it come back again when I least expect it, was more than I ever wanted to face again.
Lastly, I understood in a way I never had before, why people drink or do drugs to forget their pain. For the first time in my life, I was hit with those temptations just so I could get away. I do have an unhealthy way of coping with my pain when it gets overwhelming but that's another blog for another time. For now it is enough to say I could understand that need to just forget the pain, even if only until the high wore off.
Thankfully, I am able to say I am in a better place now, a few days later. As I was telling a friend about all of this yesterday, she asked what it is that gets me through the unbearable moments to the place where I can, like now, look back and see how irrational my thoughts were. For me, it's just taking the simple day-to-day moments as they come - getting up in the morning and making the choice to go to school, putting my focus and energy on the six blessings God has placed in my care this year, going home, eating dinner, and then going to bed only start it again the next day. One day at a time...sometimes it's the only way any of us can make it through our time here on earth.
Dear Angie,
ReplyDeleteAfter a long time, I visited your blog (However, I read your posts in email). The back ground is very beautiful. I happy to hear about the passing of the difficult relapses of the past. Yes, sometime I also wonder why you couldn't put your past behind and move on! I learnt that it is very hard for you according to what you have wrote yesterday. I will remember you in prayer. It is very hard to live a single life (I am also in similar condition) and also having such difficult emotional scars. I am glad and thankful that you had not end your life that night, in such desperation. I guess your are right in saying, the best way to cope up with hard-life is to "take each day at a time." Remember always, your are in my mind and prayers--in this part of the world, that is, in the isle of Sri Lanka!!! May the dear Lord bless you greatly!
with love,
Ravin_