Masks
When it comes to getting a message from God, subtlety just doesn't work with me. I need in-your-face, can't-miss-it, definitely-from-God proof that he really is speaking to my heart about something. Lately, He's been helping me face the fact that I go through many days of my life wearing a mask. An 'I'm fine! Life is great!' mask that I use to try to convince everyone around me, and even myself, that things are good and life couldn't be better. Please don't get me wrong. For the most part, my life really is great. I am content to be single, I have a job I absolutely love, and I come home each evening to the two cutest cats and one lovable dog a person could ask for. I am blessed beyond measure and really am so thankful for everything God has given me.
My struggle is with being authentic and 'real' with people. Because of past hurts and betrayals, I have built walls around my heart to protect myself from further pain. I know that causes me to come across as stuck-up or cold-hearted at times, but it really has been my way of protecting myself. However, lately God is helping me to see that when I begin to open up to the people He has placed into my life to help and guide me, it really can be both freeing and healing to take the mask off.
He first pointed this out to me in some e-mail conversations with a friend. I commented about how nice it's been to get to know her when she's not wearing her mask, and she asked me what was behind mine. That really got me thinking, "What is it that I'm so scared to let other people see?" One thing I've always tried so hard to hide is my vulnerability. I hate being vulnerable in front of other people and letting them see my innermost struggles and fears. I'm afraid that if they do, if they really know who I am inside, they will walk away. If my own mom left when I was three and at my most authentic and real stage of life, what will keep others from leaving when I reveal who I am today, 25 years later? A couple of years ago, there was a woman from my church who was 'mentoring' me with the intent of helping me to grow in my faith. After I opened up to her about some of my struggles and hurts, she was very supportive and caring at first but then after a few months, just stopped communicating. She never offered an explanation and I never asked...to afraid of what her answer might be, I guess.
As God began to reveal all of that to me in the past several weeks, He gave me another 'can't-miss-it' sign that He really was trying to open my eyes. A friend and I discussed doing a Bible study together. As she was looking on-line trying to find what studies are out there, the first one she came across was titled, "Being Yourself - How do I take off this mask?" When she told me that, I couldn't help but smile at God's sense of humor and the wonderful ways in which He works. The study is full of questions that, if answered honestly, bring out that vulnerability that I have such a hard time showing. I am so blessed that God has given me such a wonderful and understanding friend to do the study with, she really does make the process easier.
The following poem is one I wrote back in 2000 when I had first started to work through my abuse issues. It's amazing how something God laid upon my heart to write 9 years ago can still ring so true today.
I've been living two separate lives, as two different people for so long now, fooling everyone around me, even myself at times.
The person you see is the young woman, so full of life and energy, living without a care in the world, cheerful, and so in control of her life, trusting God with her every step.
I let you see that part of me, knowing you will accept that person for who she is and share in her joy and happiness.
The person you don't see is the little girl, so scared and frail, fearful of everything and everyone, depressed, feeling so lost and confused, questioning God's very existence.
I don't let you see that part of me, afraid you will turn that person away and not want to deal with her struggles and hardships.
So I live life day to day, keeping careful track of the person I let show through, trying to hide the little girl inside of me as much as possible.
But in all honesty, I hope that one day I slip up, and let the little girl show through, hoping she'll be accepted and welcomed into open arms.
What about you? Do you wear a mask every day, pretending that you have it all together when deep down, you know you don't? I pray you'll join me in this journey of taking off the mask and letting our real, true selves shine through, knowing that God already knows every single thing about us and still loves us unconditionally.
My struggle is with being authentic and 'real' with people. Because of past hurts and betrayals, I have built walls around my heart to protect myself from further pain. I know that causes me to come across as stuck-up or cold-hearted at times, but it really has been my way of protecting myself. However, lately God is helping me to see that when I begin to open up to the people He has placed into my life to help and guide me, it really can be both freeing and healing to take the mask off.
He first pointed this out to me in some e-mail conversations with a friend. I commented about how nice it's been to get to know her when she's not wearing her mask, and she asked me what was behind mine. That really got me thinking, "What is it that I'm so scared to let other people see?" One thing I've always tried so hard to hide is my vulnerability. I hate being vulnerable in front of other people and letting them see my innermost struggles and fears. I'm afraid that if they do, if they really know who I am inside, they will walk away. If my own mom left when I was three and at my most authentic and real stage of life, what will keep others from leaving when I reveal who I am today, 25 years later? A couple of years ago, there was a woman from my church who was 'mentoring' me with the intent of helping me to grow in my faith. After I opened up to her about some of my struggles and hurts, she was very supportive and caring at first but then after a few months, just stopped communicating. She never offered an explanation and I never asked...to afraid of what her answer might be, I guess.
As God began to reveal all of that to me in the past several weeks, He gave me another 'can't-miss-it' sign that He really was trying to open my eyes. A friend and I discussed doing a Bible study together. As she was looking on-line trying to find what studies are out there, the first one she came across was titled, "Being Yourself - How do I take off this mask?" When she told me that, I couldn't help but smile at God's sense of humor and the wonderful ways in which He works. The study is full of questions that, if answered honestly, bring out that vulnerability that I have such a hard time showing. I am so blessed that God has given me such a wonderful and understanding friend to do the study with, she really does make the process easier.
The following poem is one I wrote back in 2000 when I had first started to work through my abuse issues. It's amazing how something God laid upon my heart to write 9 years ago can still ring so true today.
My Other Self
I've been living two separate lives, as two different people for so long now, fooling everyone around me, even myself at times.
The person you see is the young woman, so full of life and energy, living without a care in the world, cheerful, and so in control of her life, trusting God with her every step.
I let you see that part of me, knowing you will accept that person for who she is and share in her joy and happiness.
The person you don't see is the little girl, so scared and frail, fearful of everything and everyone, depressed, feeling so lost and confused, questioning God's very existence.
I don't let you see that part of me, afraid you will turn that person away and not want to deal with her struggles and hardships.
So I live life day to day, keeping careful track of the person I let show through, trying to hide the little girl inside of me as much as possible.
But in all honesty, I hope that one day I slip up, and let the little girl show through, hoping she'll be accepted and welcomed into open arms.
What about you? Do you wear a mask every day, pretending that you have it all together when deep down, you know you don't? I pray you'll join me in this journey of taking off the mask and letting our real, true selves shine through, knowing that God already knows every single thing about us and still loves us unconditionally.
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