He Will Come

It's been over a month since I admitted to myself that I was depressed and needed to deal with it. It's been a long, difficult journey already and even though I have had more good days than bad lately, I still struggle with finding meaning, purpose, and most especially understanding into this current season of my life.

I think one of the most frustrating things about this has been not being able to find the words to express how I'm feeling or what is going on inside. I've talked to my doctor and close friends, trying to explain this darkness I still can't find a way out of, but my words continue to fall short of the turmoil within. This past weekend I went to Women of Faith and one of the performers was Mandisa from American Idol. I bought a couple of her CDs and on one of them was a song that immediately spoke to my heart and resonated with some of what I am going through. It's this song, called He Will Come.

I think my walk with God has been affected more by this than any other area of my life. I struggle with finding the motivation and desire to go to church each week and that is something I've never faced before. Since becoming a Christian 10 years ago, going to church was as natural as walking and breathing in my life and to not go at all was a very rare occurance. A friend asked today if I could explain why I didn't want to go and I honestly can't. I just know that inside, I don't want to go and if I do, I'll sit there thinking about how much I don't want to be there. It's such a battle.

So for now, I will take comfort in the words and message of this song and take each day as it comes.

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