My Thorn
"...there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" ~ 2 Corinthians 12:7-9
It's been one of those hard weeks for me, one where I find myself (AGAIN!) missing having a mom. Just writing that now brings tears to my eyes. I can go weeks where this doesn't bother me and just when I least expect it or begin to think I'm making some progress, *bam!* it hits me again. I get so frustrated - both with myself and with God. I get frustrated with myself because I'm 28 years old and I keep thinking that this shouldn't bother me anymore. Why can't I just get over the fact that my mom isn't a part of my life and move on already? Seriously! Why does it still bring tears to my eyes and an unbearable anguish to my heart after 25 years? I wish I could understand! I also get frustrated with God. This is a struggle I have had for years and it only seems to grow stronger with time. I know my real mom will never be a part of my life in the way that I want, or desire, her to be, and to be honest, it's not my actual mom that I miss because she's living a lifestyle that I want absolutely no part of. One of my biggest goals in life is to be the complete opposite of what she has been in my life. It's the mother/daughter relationship I see played out in the lives of my students at school and in the world around me. I keep asking God to either fulfill this desire somehow or completely take it away so it stops hurting but it doesn't seem as if He's doing either. In all fairness to Him, He has brought some very wonderful women into my life who fill, each in their own way, that 'mom hole' in my heart. But it's not the same. Some days, I can't decide which would be worse - not having any mother figures in my life at all or having a few who are amazing all on their own, but can never be all that I want or need them to be simply because it's not that ideal mother/daughter relationship God intended for each of us to have. Some days it seems like a lose/lose situation.
In the Bible, it talks about Paul having a thorn in his flesh, one that he asks God to remove. God, in all His power, doesn't but Paul still declares his faith in God that through Christ, he is made strong in this weakness. Sometimes I wonder if this 'mom issue' is my thorn. Maybe God never removed the thorn from Paul because He knew it would be the only way to fully teach Paul to depend on Him. Perhaps He is doing the same in my life - refusing to take out a thorn because He knows this is the only way to show me what it means to depend fully on God. I'm looking forward to talking with Paul one day in heaven as we compare the lessons our thorns have taught us.
It's been one of those hard weeks for me, one where I find myself (AGAIN!) missing having a mom. Just writing that now brings tears to my eyes. I can go weeks where this doesn't bother me and just when I least expect it or begin to think I'm making some progress, *bam!* it hits me again. I get so frustrated - both with myself and with God. I get frustrated with myself because I'm 28 years old and I keep thinking that this shouldn't bother me anymore. Why can't I just get over the fact that my mom isn't a part of my life and move on already? Seriously! Why does it still bring tears to my eyes and an unbearable anguish to my heart after 25 years? I wish I could understand! I also get frustrated with God. This is a struggle I have had for years and it only seems to grow stronger with time. I know my real mom will never be a part of my life in the way that I want, or desire, her to be, and to be honest, it's not my actual mom that I miss because she's living a lifestyle that I want absolutely no part of. One of my biggest goals in life is to be the complete opposite of what she has been in my life. It's the mother/daughter relationship I see played out in the lives of my students at school and in the world around me. I keep asking God to either fulfill this desire somehow or completely take it away so it stops hurting but it doesn't seem as if He's doing either. In all fairness to Him, He has brought some very wonderful women into my life who fill, each in their own way, that 'mom hole' in my heart. But it's not the same. Some days, I can't decide which would be worse - not having any mother figures in my life at all or having a few who are amazing all on their own, but can never be all that I want or need them to be simply because it's not that ideal mother/daughter relationship God intended for each of us to have. Some days it seems like a lose/lose situation.
In the Bible, it talks about Paul having a thorn in his flesh, one that he asks God to remove. God, in all His power, doesn't but Paul still declares his faith in God that through Christ, he is made strong in this weakness. Sometimes I wonder if this 'mom issue' is my thorn. Maybe God never removed the thorn from Paul because He knew it would be the only way to fully teach Paul to depend on Him. Perhaps He is doing the same in my life - refusing to take out a thorn because He knows this is the only way to show me what it means to depend fully on God. I'm looking forward to talking with Paul one day in heaven as we compare the lessons our thorns have taught us.
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