Good Enough
I just finished reading a book called "Falling Into the Face of God" by William Elliott. In it, he goes into the Judean desert for 40 days like Jesus did. The book tells about his adventures he has and all the thoughts he has as God leads him through his time in the desert. There were a few things he said that caught my attention, but this one really struck a chord in me:
"Then a deep sadness wells up from within me as I realize there has always been a secret, hidden part of me that has always felt I'm not doing things right or good enough."
Boy, can I relate to those feelings! I think one of the biggest impacts the traumas in my childhood had on me was that I grew up believing I wasn't good enough. I honestly believed there was something innately wrong with me that made me unlovable. Children are very ego-centric by nature, they think the whole world literally revolves around them. I believed my mom had left because I had done something wrong, something so bad that she never wanted to come back and be my mom again. I believed my grandfather was doing the things he did to me because instead of deserving his love, I deserved his hurtful actions.
Growing up believing those lies really took a toll on me. I was always trying to be 'better,' to be good enough. I never could figure out what 'better' looked like or how to get there, but I was convinced if I could just get there somehow, my mom would come back and my grandfather would stop hurting me. I was such a 'people pleaser,' and I would do whatever I thought someone wanted me to do to make them happy. I tried not to get into trouble, I did well in school, I always tried to make sure people were happy. I wanted desperately to do whatever it took to be good enough.
Sadly, even now that I'm grown up, I still buy into those lies from Satan. I have a hard time believing that who I am in Christ is good enough, that I don't need to be any 'better' than simply a child of His. Jesus says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:39-31) Every now and then, I will find a dead bird in my yard (actually, it is usually Calli who finds them!) and I always wonder what caused their death. Whatever it was, it was not outside of God's will. Imagine that for a second with me - that little tiny bird didn't drop from the sky without our Heavenly Father knowing about it. And yet He says that we, that I, am worth more than many sparrows. It doesn't matter why my mom left me, it doesn't matter what made my grandfather chosoe to hurt me, all that matters is my worth in God's eyes. What is the value of that worth? My worth is so great in His eyes that He sent his only Son to die on my behalf so that I can spend all of eternity with Him. In the end, that's all that matters.
"Then a deep sadness wells up from within me as I realize there has always been a secret, hidden part of me that has always felt I'm not doing things right or good enough."
Boy, can I relate to those feelings! I think one of the biggest impacts the traumas in my childhood had on me was that I grew up believing I wasn't good enough. I honestly believed there was something innately wrong with me that made me unlovable. Children are very ego-centric by nature, they think the whole world literally revolves around them. I believed my mom had left because I had done something wrong, something so bad that she never wanted to come back and be my mom again. I believed my grandfather was doing the things he did to me because instead of deserving his love, I deserved his hurtful actions.
Growing up believing those lies really took a toll on me. I was always trying to be 'better,' to be good enough. I never could figure out what 'better' looked like or how to get there, but I was convinced if I could just get there somehow, my mom would come back and my grandfather would stop hurting me. I was such a 'people pleaser,' and I would do whatever I thought someone wanted me to do to make them happy. I tried not to get into trouble, I did well in school, I always tried to make sure people were happy. I wanted desperately to do whatever it took to be good enough.
Sadly, even now that I'm grown up, I still buy into those lies from Satan. I have a hard time believing that who I am in Christ is good enough, that I don't need to be any 'better' than simply a child of His. Jesus says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:39-31) Every now and then, I will find a dead bird in my yard (actually, it is usually Calli who finds them!) and I always wonder what caused their death. Whatever it was, it was not outside of God's will. Imagine that for a second with me - that little tiny bird didn't drop from the sky without our Heavenly Father knowing about it. And yet He says that we, that I, am worth more than many sparrows. It doesn't matter why my mom left me, it doesn't matter what made my grandfather chosoe to hurt me, all that matters is my worth in God's eyes. What is the value of that worth? My worth is so great in His eyes that He sent his only Son to die on my behalf so that I can spend all of eternity with Him. In the end, that's all that matters.
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