Wrestling With God
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands" Isaiah 49:15-16
Have you ever had a wrestling match with God that seems to go on forever? Just when you think you've learned what He is trying to teach you and you come to some sort of peace with it all, you hear the *Tweet* of the whistle and know you're in for another exhausting round? That's where I am right now with God...rather, where I've been for the past few years and I'm telling ya, some days the battle gets so intense that I'm ready to crawl to a corner of the mat, curl up into a ball and give up. Seriously.
I grew up without a mom and I know I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again, but it has been hard...really hard. I always hoped the pain would fade as I grew older but instead, it only seems to intensify with time. I wish I knew why, because I honestly don't. I keep telling myself I should be used to not having a mom around and that I need to get over the hurt. But it doesn't seem to be that easy.
I absolutely love my job at Trinity, more than any job I've ever had before. I feel so blessed to have been given a job I love going to every day and don't even think of as work. I can't imagine working anywhere else. But while it has been such a wonderful blessing and gift from God, it has also brought me into one of the most painful and longest journeys in my faith walk with Christ. With the exception of a few gals I work with, all the other teachers are old enough to be my mom and they all have kids within a few years of my own age. Listening to them talk about their kids and watching them love their kids has been such a profound reminder of what I don't have...what I never had. I can't even begin to explain how much it hurts me at times and how there are days when it seems like every time I turn around, another reminder is looking me right in the face. I can't even begin to count the number of times I have blinked back tears or left a conversation with this incredible heaviness in my heart because their love for their children is so evident.
Last night, as I was laying in bed crying over all this yet again, I just cried out to God, "Please just show me what in the world you are trying to teach me through all this...show me what you want me to get out of it...show me how you want me to grow and be a better person because of it...and I'll do it! Please just show me already!" I get so tired of this seemingly endless struggle. Sure, I may go through phases where it doesn't seem to bother me at all - weeks, and sometimes a month or two, where I don't even really thing about it. Then it will creep up again and consume me for another season of my life.
I know this whole 'mom thing' is hard for some people to understand. Believe me, I've talked it to death with some people who obviously can't see where I am coming from. I even had a good friend suggest once that perhaps my issue really was that I am attracted to women...yeah, not sure where she was coming from with that. But I finally told her, and have come to this conclusion, that if you grew up with a mom around all the time, there really is no way you can understand. God has finally brought someone into my life who understands, only because she is on the other side of it all with daughters who don't want to be a part of her life. And I guess, ultimately, I'm not looking for someone to understand perfectly what I'm going through, I'm just wanting God to bring me to the end of it already. I'm ready to grasp what it is He is trying to show me through this.
So, for now, I wake up each morning and ask God to show me what His purpose is in this or to take it away completely and since the latter has yet to happen, I prepare myself for another day of wrestling this out with Him. The only solace I take is that there is no one I would rather wrestle with than my Lord...strong, persistent, determined, and yet ever so gentle and loving, always looking out for my good. There is no better opponent.
Have you ever had a wrestling match with God that seems to go on forever? Just when you think you've learned what He is trying to teach you and you come to some sort of peace with it all, you hear the *Tweet* of the whistle and know you're in for another exhausting round? That's where I am right now with God...rather, where I've been for the past few years and I'm telling ya, some days the battle gets so intense that I'm ready to crawl to a corner of the mat, curl up into a ball and give up. Seriously.
I grew up without a mom and I know I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again, but it has been hard...really hard. I always hoped the pain would fade as I grew older but instead, it only seems to intensify with time. I wish I knew why, because I honestly don't. I keep telling myself I should be used to not having a mom around and that I need to get over the hurt. But it doesn't seem to be that easy.
I absolutely love my job at Trinity, more than any job I've ever had before. I feel so blessed to have been given a job I love going to every day and don't even think of as work. I can't imagine working anywhere else. But while it has been such a wonderful blessing and gift from God, it has also brought me into one of the most painful and longest journeys in my faith walk with Christ. With the exception of a few gals I work with, all the other teachers are old enough to be my mom and they all have kids within a few years of my own age. Listening to them talk about their kids and watching them love their kids has been such a profound reminder of what I don't have...what I never had. I can't even begin to explain how much it hurts me at times and how there are days when it seems like every time I turn around, another reminder is looking me right in the face. I can't even begin to count the number of times I have blinked back tears or left a conversation with this incredible heaviness in my heart because their love for their children is so evident.
Last night, as I was laying in bed crying over all this yet again, I just cried out to God, "Please just show me what in the world you are trying to teach me through all this...show me what you want me to get out of it...show me how you want me to grow and be a better person because of it...and I'll do it! Please just show me already!" I get so tired of this seemingly endless struggle. Sure, I may go through phases where it doesn't seem to bother me at all - weeks, and sometimes a month or two, where I don't even really thing about it. Then it will creep up again and consume me for another season of my life.
I know this whole 'mom thing' is hard for some people to understand. Believe me, I've talked it to death with some people who obviously can't see where I am coming from. I even had a good friend suggest once that perhaps my issue really was that I am attracted to women...yeah, not sure where she was coming from with that. But I finally told her, and have come to this conclusion, that if you grew up with a mom around all the time, there really is no way you can understand. God has finally brought someone into my life who understands, only because she is on the other side of it all with daughters who don't want to be a part of her life. And I guess, ultimately, I'm not looking for someone to understand perfectly what I'm going through, I'm just wanting God to bring me to the end of it already. I'm ready to grasp what it is He is trying to show me through this.
So, for now, I wake up each morning and ask God to show me what His purpose is in this or to take it away completely and since the latter has yet to happen, I prepare myself for another day of wrestling this out with Him. The only solace I take is that there is no one I would rather wrestle with than my Lord...strong, persistent, determined, and yet ever so gentle and loving, always looking out for my good. There is no better opponent.
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