The Proverbial Can of Worms
Well, I did it. Without meaning to, without any intention at all, my starting this blog opened a big ol' can of worms - slimy, gross, disgusting ones. Seriously. I started this blog mainly for me, for my own piece of mind. A place where I could share my thoughts, vent my emotions, share the joy of my 2nd graders, and just ramble out my thoughts in general. If others wanted to read it, that was fine. If they didn't, that was fine too. (Although in all seriousness, my 2nd graders do say the funniest things if you ever need a laugh!)
What I didn't intend for this blog to do was bring up more hurt, more secrets, and more pain from the past. I honestly didn't even see it coming. For years after I told my dad about my abuse and it ended, for over a decade, I thought I was my grandfather's only victim. The only one he hurt with his selfish, lustful thoughts and actions. I know it is very rare for an offender to have just one victim but I figured that my situation was one of those fluke, random cases and that I really was the only one to suffer at his hands. Then, when I read a copy of the police report before deciding to press charges, I found out that my grandfather also abused his own children. There are four of them - 1 girl and 3 boys, including my dad. Statistics say that offenders usually abuse children of the same sex which would point to my aunt. She strongly stands by her father, my grandfather, with such fierce and devoted loyalty that it wouldn't surprise me if she had dark secrets of her own lying beneath the surface that is is determined to keep hidden. But that's her story to tell.
So, I knew there had been one victim before me, and then myself. A year or so after I pressed charges, a distant cousin came forward saying my grandfather had abused her too. She said it happened when she was little and lived in Texas and my grandfather would go down there to visit family. Besides her mom and grandma, distant relatives I met when I was very little and have no memory of now, no one else stood by her. At the time, my grandfather was taking regular lie detector tests as part of his probation. He passed those when asked if he had abused this cousin, and because of that, everyone told her she was making it up and they didn't believe her. Which has more of a margin for error? A man-made machine that has been proven unreliable over and over again, or a young woman claiming to have been hurt by a man who had hurt others, before she even knew about the abuse I went through? But that, again, is someone else's story.
Fast forward to this past Sunday morning. I came home church and lunch with friends to find an e-mail from another cousin. I read, with my jaw dropped and tears in my eyes, that she and another cousin she knew of were also abused by my grandfather. (Can we sense a pattern here with this man's behavior?) She and I e-mailed back and forth all day Sunday, sharing our hurt and pain over unanswered questions and filling each other in on the realities we had lived in growing up. After I told about my abuse, the close-knit family I knew growing up suddenly split as walls were built out of secrets, lies and betrayals and it was interesting to hear and see it through her eyes.
I've cried tears more over the abuse, mine and that of others, in the past two days than I have in years. I've had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the back of my throat that has robbed me of sleep, kept me from giving proper attention to my students, and basically consuming my every thought. The anger, hurt and sadness all boils down to this: my family chose to keep secrets. They chose to play the blame game and they chose to shut others out and look at what has happened as a result. Four girls, all at different stages of their adult life, lived all these years thinking she was the only one and that she was alone in her pain. It so easily could have been avoided if the truth, no matter how painful, would have been told from the very begining. It's time to throw away the shame, get rid of the stigma, and face reality - sexual abuse is real. It happens every day. It happens to men and women you know. It may have even happened to you. It's there. Let's stop hiding it and bring it out into the light where it can be seen for what it truly is - evil beyond comprehension, yet not at all past God's power to heal and redeem.
What I didn't intend for this blog to do was bring up more hurt, more secrets, and more pain from the past. I honestly didn't even see it coming. For years after I told my dad about my abuse and it ended, for over a decade, I thought I was my grandfather's only victim. The only one he hurt with his selfish, lustful thoughts and actions. I know it is very rare for an offender to have just one victim but I figured that my situation was one of those fluke, random cases and that I really was the only one to suffer at his hands. Then, when I read a copy of the police report before deciding to press charges, I found out that my grandfather also abused his own children. There are four of them - 1 girl and 3 boys, including my dad. Statistics say that offenders usually abuse children of the same sex which would point to my aunt. She strongly stands by her father, my grandfather, with such fierce and devoted loyalty that it wouldn't surprise me if she had dark secrets of her own lying beneath the surface that is is determined to keep hidden. But that's her story to tell.
So, I knew there had been one victim before me, and then myself. A year or so after I pressed charges, a distant cousin came forward saying my grandfather had abused her too. She said it happened when she was little and lived in Texas and my grandfather would go down there to visit family. Besides her mom and grandma, distant relatives I met when I was very little and have no memory of now, no one else stood by her. At the time, my grandfather was taking regular lie detector tests as part of his probation. He passed those when asked if he had abused this cousin, and because of that, everyone told her she was making it up and they didn't believe her. Which has more of a margin for error? A man-made machine that has been proven unreliable over and over again, or a young woman claiming to have been hurt by a man who had hurt others, before she even knew about the abuse I went through? But that, again, is someone else's story.
Fast forward to this past Sunday morning. I came home church and lunch with friends to find an e-mail from another cousin. I read, with my jaw dropped and tears in my eyes, that she and another cousin she knew of were also abused by my grandfather. (Can we sense a pattern here with this man's behavior?) She and I e-mailed back and forth all day Sunday, sharing our hurt and pain over unanswered questions and filling each other in on the realities we had lived in growing up. After I told about my abuse, the close-knit family I knew growing up suddenly split as walls were built out of secrets, lies and betrayals and it was interesting to hear and see it through her eyes.
I've cried tears more over the abuse, mine and that of others, in the past two days than I have in years. I've had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the back of my throat that has robbed me of sleep, kept me from giving proper attention to my students, and basically consuming my every thought. The anger, hurt and sadness all boils down to this: my family chose to keep secrets. They chose to play the blame game and they chose to shut others out and look at what has happened as a result. Four girls, all at different stages of their adult life, lived all these years thinking she was the only one and that she was alone in her pain. It so easily could have been avoided if the truth, no matter how painful, would have been told from the very begining. It's time to throw away the shame, get rid of the stigma, and face reality - sexual abuse is real. It happens every day. It happens to men and women you know. It may have even happened to you. It's there. Let's stop hiding it and bring it out into the light where it can be seen for what it truly is - evil beyond comprehension, yet not at all past God's power to heal and redeem.
Angie, I think it is so great that you are taking this step and telling your story. You are right that this stuff is kept secretive far too long. People need to be willing to talk about it. It's not only abuse either, because I talk with our youth boys all the time about hidden sexual sin in general. So many guys struggle with pornography and I think it has a major impact on things like rape and abuse in our country because it tends to escalate over time. The key to all those things is to get people to be willing to talk about and confront the issue. It would benefit people struggling with lust, sexual addiction, abuse and rape! It is so difficult for you to share all this, but it needs to happen. Thanks for being brave and please, keep going.
ReplyDeleteHey Angie Roo...I read your story. You know, you've never told it to me in detail. I didn't even remember that you took your grandfather to court. Wow...that took so much courage! I cannot believe (except that I've also lived it myself) that people side with the lie. It makes me so mad and so ready for justice. Your family is full of losers, I'm sorry to say it that way, for making your grandfather right and supporting him, and abandoning the injured child. I just want to do some castrating myself. But...we'll let God make it all right in His time. I guarantee that your grandfather will regret. I'm surprised he admitted his guilt after he was able to sear his conscience enough to pass a lie detector test. You know, first his being a minister, and second his trying to excuse his behavior are two things that are just beyond the scope of understanding. You are a brave woman. God is healing you so beautifully!
ReplyDeleteBig Mama