How God Changed My Life

"Some of God's attributes are too wonderful to understand. But even if they remain darkness to the intellect, let them be sunshine for your soul." - Unknown

Since my grandfather was a preacher, I grew up going to church every Sunday. I went to Sunday school, Vacation Bible School in the summers, everything. Church and learning about God were a huge part of my life. A lot of my memories from when I was a little girl involve either being at church or include people from the church. But all I had come to know about God was completely shattered when I told my secret. The thing is, when the abuse was happening, I honestly didn't know just how wrong it was. I never liked what was happening, and towards the end, I began to think that something wasn't right because of how concerned my grandfather was with keeping the abuse a secret. But at that age, I was very unaware of how wrong my grandfather’s actions were. It wasn’t until after I told that I began to understand that the abuse was so wrong. That's when I realized that even though I didn't know it was wrong, God did. He knew from the very beginning that what was happening was wrong and at ten years of age, I believed He hadn't done anything to stop it from happening or to protect me in any way. How could a God who supposedly loved and cared about me so much, stand by and watch what was happening and not do anything about it? I didn’t understand that at all.

So for years, I went the opposite direction from God. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with Him or church or religion or anything. I was through with it all for the rest of my life. I thought it was for fools and that I knew the truth about this so called "God." Even though my family continued to go to church for many years, I tuned everything out and didn’t pay any attention to the services. I went through all the motions but honestly could have cared less.

When I was a freshman in high school, I started to hang out with some of the upper classmen. I wanted to fit in with them so much, I was willing to do almost anything to appear "cool" in their eyes. When one of them asked me to go to a Fellowship of Christian Athletes meeting one night, I decided to go. At the first couple of meetings, I didn't really pay any attention to what was being discussed. I was only there to put on an appearance. I can’t explain when it happened but after awhile, God began to draw me to Him. I started to pay attention to the discussions for the first time and I loved to listen to others talk about God and their experiences with Him. I remember having to stop going to the FCA meetings for a while because my grades were slipping and my parents thought it was because I was too involved in school activities. I was involved in many others besides FCA, and for some reason I can't remember now, that was the one I had to cut until my grades improved. I hated those few months of meetings I missed, I really wanted to be there. Finally I got my grades back up and I was allowed to get involved again. I was so happy to be a part of the group again.

I continued to be involved with FCA throughout all four years of high school, I began to look forward to every meeting or activity. As time went on I wanted to know more and more about God. I had such a hunger to learn more about Him and I wanted to get all the information I could. I had so many questions about God’s role in the abuse in my past and I knew I had to get the answers so I could find peace for my soul. One day I got up the courage to talk to the FCA huddle leader about my past and asked him some of my questions. He was a great help, but was honest in admitting that he didn't have all the answers I needed. I didn't know where else to look, so I continued to just keep my eyes open kept seeking to know more about Him.

God answered those prayers towards the end of my senior year. FCA had gotten involved with a Baptist church in town and we did a couple of activities with them. I can still remember the first time I set foot in that church. Up until then, I thought all preachers were like my grandfather and were hiding some evil secret in their lives. When my family continued to go to church in the years after I told about the abuse, I looked at all the different pastors and thought that they weren't as holy as they appeared to be. I knew they couldn't be, there had to be some secret they were hiding. I thought those same things about the pastor of this Baptist church. I watched him carefully during the activities FCA did with the church and I was never able to find any fault in him. After a few weeks, God opened my eyes to the fact that he was God's answer to my prayers - he was the one who could help me find the answers I needed about God.

I sent him a letter a couple weeks before I graduated and told him a little about myself and my past and then asked all the questions that had been so heavy in my heart. I got a letter back from him shortly after and we ended up meeting at his church one morning. That was the day my life changed forever. We sat in the back row of the church and talked for hours. His daughter was there, doing other things, and my instincts told me I was safe and he wasn't going to hurt me in any way. Because of that, I was able to really open up to him and let my guard down. I had never let my guard down in front of a preacher since my grandfather, so doing so with this preacher was a big relief. He was able to answer many of my questions that morning, and I left the church with a peace in my heart I had never known before. I went straight home from the church and went to my room. I knelt down by my bed, and asked the Lord into my heart. That decision changed my life. The peace that flooded my soul was like nothing I had ever known before. There was this indescribable joy in my heart that I could hardly contain. I still had some issues from the abuse that I struggled with in my new faith but I was confident that God would reveal the answers, and bring the healing, in His time.

I was baptized two months later with two of the pastor's children. It's a day I will never forget. Since then, my faith has continued to grow day by day. God has blessed me so incredibly. He has sent many people into my life to guide me and lead me along the way. I became very close to the pastor and his family, in time they became my second family. I truly believe God called that pastor and his wife to be my spiritual parents. Neither of my parents are saved and I believe God knew I was going to need spiritual guidance and direction if I was going to grow in my faith. Several years ago, God called that pastor to step down from the ministry to spend more time with his family and they moved away. I still miss them all so much but I know it was for the best for everyone involved. Even before they moved away, God had begun to bring me closer to another couple in my church. Since then, God has always provided more mature Christians to guide and lead me in my faith when I needed that direction. He is such a faithful God, even when I am not.

I truly believe with all of my heart that God brought my past back into my life in order to call me to Him. He knew the abuse was a huge obstacle in my life and that if I didn’t deal with it, it was going to consume my life. He knew those unresolved issues would hinder my ability to grow in Him and He brought it all back so I could work through it. My relationship with Christ is so much stronger because of all the issues of my past I have had to work through since becoming a Christian. Someone once asked me to imagine how I would have dealt with my past if I hadn't come to know God first. It’s scary for me to think about that because I know my life would have taken a much different path than it did. Only God knows what He saved me from. I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it in the same way that God has allowed me to. God has never failed to show that His grace is sufficient for anything and everything I go through and without Him, I know healing wouldn't have ever been possible.