Choosing to Forgive

"We are most like beasts when we kill.
We are most like men when we judge.
We are most like God when we forgive."
- Unknown

Forgiving my grandfather was the hardest part of the healing journey although it was the most crucial. I remember years before I started to heal, and even at the beginning of my healing journey, I knew I would never forgive him. I just couldn't see how I was supposed to. But the more I learned about God and understood that He forgives all sins, the harder it became. I knew that I had to forgive to be worthy in the eyes of God – it mentions several times in the Bible how we need to forgive those who do wrong against us. It even says that if we don't forgive, God won't forgive us our sins either. I knew that I needed to forgive but I didn't know how or even what it really meant.

There were a couple reasons why the issue of forgiveness was so hard for me. One was that even to this day, I don't believe that my grandfather is genuinely sorry for what he did. I was raised and brought up to believe that if you are truly sorry for something you have done, you will admit you're wrong and give absolutely no excuses. There have been a few times when my grandfather has told me he's sorry and begged for my forgiveness but he always gives a list of excuses to try and justify what he did. He would say, "I'm really sorry, but..." I believe that the word "but" doesn't have any place in an apology. I know my grandfather had a terrible childhood, I honestly feel sad when I think that all he went through played a part in him hurting me. But no matter how horrible his past was, it in no way justifies what he did. What he did was wrong and there is no excuse. I had a hard time trying to understand how to forgive him when he wasn't sorry for what he did. In a way I thought that until he was sorry, he didn't deserve to be forgiven. But then I began to realize that I'm not the one responsible for deciding what he does or doesn't deserve. That's God's job, not mine. It's not up to me to pass judgment on my grandfather, God will come to judge some day and His justice will be swifter than anything I could ever do to him. So I realized that the only person I was accountable for in my life and relationship with God was myself. My sins are the only ones I will stand accountable for when God comes one day and I knew I had to do whatever it took to be found just in His eyes. That meant forgiving.

The other big reason I had a hard time forgiving was because of what I thought it meant. I knew that technically, it meant that I no longer held my grandfather's wrongs against him and that I let go of my anger towards him. But as far as living my life went and my relationship with my family, I didn't know what it would mean. Someone once told me that when you forgive someone of their wrong, you are supposed to tell that person so they know that they are forgiven. I didn't want to have to tell my grandfather that I forgave him. He told me once that when I was able to forgive him, it would all be over and everything would be okay again and go back to normal. But for me, things can never go ‘back to normal.’ My life has been changed forever. I knew that my family held similar beliefs to those of my grandfather and would expect things to be the way they were before once I forgave him. That made forgiveness even tougher. A good friend helped me to see though, that I didn't have to tell my grandfather that I forgave him because my decision was between just between God and myself.

Once I had a peace about these things, I knew I had to forgive him. I couldn't wait until I felt like forgiving him because I knew that day would never come. It was something I had to just do and be honest about it, whether I felt it at the time or not. To be honest though, even after knowing that it was something I had to do, I fought it for a long time. I kept telling myself that I wasn't ready and that the time wasn't right. It took me awhile to realize that there never would be a ‘right’ time and that I couldn't keep putting it off. In putting it off, I knew I wasn’t being obedient to God and what He was calling me to do.

There came a day when I knew I couldn't fight it anymore and I got down on my knees and told God that I forgave my grandfather. I told Him that I didn't want to have to deal with all of the hurts and pains on my own anymore. I gave them all to God that day and trusted that He would carry me through the rough time. After I prayed, I didn't feel anything different…I didn't feel anything that made me believe that I had forgiven him. But I held true to my decision to forgive and today, as I write this, I can look back and know that on that day I truly did forgive him. I can see the difference in my life right now because of that decision. I don't hate my grandfather, and I'm not angry with him for what he did anymore.

I’m not saying that praying one prayer of forgiveness was all it took for all my anger to go away. It was a daily process for a while…praying and telling God that I forgave my grandfather every day. But as time went on, that anger began to subside and then came the night when I realized that I had truly forgiven my grandfather. I was lying in bed, trying to fall asleep and I found myself thinking about the night that I told my dad and step-mom what my grandfather had been doing. Once my grandfather admitted to my dad that what I was accusing him of was true, my dad asked him to leave and I remember watching my grandfather walk down the stairs and out the front door. For the first time in thinking about that night, I found myself wondering what it must have been like to be in my grandfather’s shoes. I tried to think back to when I was a child, knowing I had done something wrong and that I was about to get ‘found out’ or punished for it by my dad. I remembered that horrible feeling I would get inside, that feeling deep down in my gut of knowing I was going to get in trouble – a feeling of guilt for what I had done wrong but even more, a feeling of dread of not knowing what the punishment was going to be or how my dad would react. You know that feeling, where it’s all you can do to put one foot in front of the other as you’re walking to face the consequences of what it is you’ve done wrong. It’s such a horrible feeling. As I lay there remembering what that felt like, I tried to magnify it by about 100 because I’m sure that’s how my grandfather was feeling. He knew he had done something wrong and he had been caught. He didn’t know what the punishment or consequences would be and he didn’t know how people were going to react when they found out. I lay there that night and cried for what my grandfather must have felt that night as he walked down the stairs and out the door. As I was able to put myself in his shoes and really empathize with him, even for that one moment, I knew I had truly forgiven him. All that anger had turned to sadness and hurt for what he would go through in the next several months and years of his life.

Forgiving was definitely the hardest step I have had to take, but God has blessed me so much through it. I know a lot of survivors feel that they will never be able to forgive those who abused them, I used to think the exact same thing. But God worked in my life, He changed my heart and I know He can do the same for anyone who trusts in Him.