Something More Important
A few days ago, I had a revelation. One of those moments when my brain shouts, "Exactly!" Since I was a small child, I have had this ache in my heart as a result of growing up without a mom. It hurt then and it hurts now...the ache so intense at times that it still takes my breath away. So many times I have asked myself why it has bothered me so much, especially now as I'm 31 and a lifetime away from that little girl whose mom walked out. Now, completely out of the blue, it seems I've found the answer.
I was reading a magazine article about Jeff Foxworthy and the mission work he has done overseas. His desire to help others who are less fortunate in other countries comes out of a deep hurt he carries over his father leaving his family when he was a child. He says, "When a parent leaves, you always have the feeling something was more important than you." That was it. My 'A-ha!' moment.
I grew up believing, knowing, that someone or something was more important than me and I turned that inward and began to believe that I wasn't important. When my mom remarried without even telling my brother and I about it, let alone invite us to the wedding, it was because I wasn't important. When I wanted my mom to come watch a sporting event or school event, she didn't because I wasn't important. When my step-sister would be visiting at Christmas and my brother and I weren't because it was cheaper to buy one plane ticket rather than two, I believed I wasn't important.
Even in my adult years, that belief has nagged me in the few times I have seen my mom. I went to see her a few weeks after my step-dad's sudden death one summer while I was in college. She had a calendar hanging on her wall in the bathroom and on the day my step-dad died, she had written the words, "The saddest day of my life." I can still remember the pang in my chest during that moment and believing the fact that she had never expressed that kind of sadness over leaving me as a child showed that I wasn't important. The last time I saw her was at Christmas in 2006. She was so excited for all three of her kids to be there for the holiday since we hadn't been together since I was in high school. The night of our big dinner and present-opening, she got so drunk that she was belligerent and completely rude while opening gifts. Then she proceeded to pass out after all the family had gone home and it was just her and I. I thought I wasn't important enough for her to stay sober that night and enjoy the time with all of us.
As I read that article, not only did these events and many others flood my mind, but another thought occurred to me. Over the years, I randomly have a thought along the lines of, "Today, I just want to know that I matter to someone," which translates wanting someone to show me I was important...I am important. I often send cards to friends or loved ones out of the blue to encourage them and hopefully bring a smile to their face. A lot of times, those cards are sent in moments of my own longing to believe I'm important. I figure if I have those moments of want, others must too.
I challenge you to find a way. every day, to let the people in your life KNOW they are important to you. I truly believe it's a longing we all share.
I was reading a magazine article about Jeff Foxworthy and the mission work he has done overseas. His desire to help others who are less fortunate in other countries comes out of a deep hurt he carries over his father leaving his family when he was a child. He says, "When a parent leaves, you always have the feeling something was more important than you." That was it. My 'A-ha!' moment.
I grew up believing, knowing, that someone or something was more important than me and I turned that inward and began to believe that I wasn't important. When my mom remarried without even telling my brother and I about it, let alone invite us to the wedding, it was because I wasn't important. When I wanted my mom to come watch a sporting event or school event, she didn't because I wasn't important. When my step-sister would be visiting at Christmas and my brother and I weren't because it was cheaper to buy one plane ticket rather than two, I believed I wasn't important.
Even in my adult years, that belief has nagged me in the few times I have seen my mom. I went to see her a few weeks after my step-dad's sudden death one summer while I was in college. She had a calendar hanging on her wall in the bathroom and on the day my step-dad died, she had written the words, "The saddest day of my life." I can still remember the pang in my chest during that moment and believing the fact that she had never expressed that kind of sadness over leaving me as a child showed that I wasn't important. The last time I saw her was at Christmas in 2006. She was so excited for all three of her kids to be there for the holiday since we hadn't been together since I was in high school. The night of our big dinner and present-opening, she got so drunk that she was belligerent and completely rude while opening gifts. Then she proceeded to pass out after all the family had gone home and it was just her and I. I thought I wasn't important enough for her to stay sober that night and enjoy the time with all of us.
As I read that article, not only did these events and many others flood my mind, but another thought occurred to me. Over the years, I randomly have a thought along the lines of, "Today, I just want to know that I matter to someone," which translates wanting someone to show me I was important...I am important. I often send cards to friends or loved ones out of the blue to encourage them and hopefully bring a smile to their face. A lot of times, those cards are sent in moments of my own longing to believe I'm important. I figure if I have those moments of want, others must too.
I challenge you to find a way. every day, to let the people in your life KNOW they are important to you. I truly believe it's a longing we all share.
Comments
Post a Comment