Moments of Doubt

"Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." ~ Mark 9:24

Doubt. I struggle with it at times and I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me in spite of that. I'd like to think that since coming to know the Lord as an 18 year old, I've become an optimistic kind of gal. That's a far cry from high school when I was one of the most pessimistic people I knew! Yes, there have been dark moments in my walk of faith where I really struggled with what in the world God was doing but as the years have passed and I've watched Him meet every one of my needs, I've just come to believe all things work for my good and His purpose.

So it's been kind of unfamiliar territory me as lately I've found myself struggling mightily with doubt. I won't lie - I've had some really difficult moments and even days where I struggle hard with believing that God really does have a plan for my life and that it's a good one. When I walked out the doors of Trinity 2+ months ago, I was optimistic about the path my life was on. Yes, I was heartbroken to be leaving a job I absolutely loved but God was still in control and I firmly believed He was only taking me away because He had something even better in store. What could be better than working at Trinity I didn't know, but I was confident that He did.

Now the summer is drawing to a close and I still am without a job. I've always believed (maybe falsely?) that I would know the job God had for me when I saw it/heard about it. In the past, that's always been the case and I just believed it would be true this time around. Well, if that is the case, God is really testing me by causing me to wait until the last minute because so far, not a lot has piqued my interest.

Am I being too picky? Should I just settle for whatever job is available and be content to be bringing home a paycheck? Part of me thinks so. A job is a job and in this economy, they can be hard to find and keep. The bigger part of me, however, wants to believe that God has something amazing in store for me and that if I just wait long enough, He'll show me. If that's the case, how long do I wait? I've figured I only have about a week left to be looking for the 'right' job before I will have to just get whatever I can in order to have money coming in to pay my September bills.

It's not just the job situation that has had me down, the whole 'back to school' hype is really playing with my emotions as well. Knowing the beginning of the school year at Trinity is quickly coming, my heart breaks daily at the thought of not being there to be a part of it all. The home visits, visiting with the staff about their summers and the upcoming year, last minute preparations to the classroom, first big staff meeting...even writing these words brings tears to my eyes and a longing in my heart that is more painful than I ever expected. I didn't know I would miss it this much.

So, I'm asking those of you that read this to please pray for me. Pray that I would regain that optimistic spirit and KNOW without a doubt that God has something wonderful in store. Please pray that I would be able to stand against the attacks of Satan, which are increasing in both quantity and strength, and not listen to his annoying voice as he tempts me to question my great God. Please pray for a job opportunity to come quickly and that I would have JOY no matter what.