What I Wasn't Meant to Have
I heard a pastor once describe coveting as 'wanting something God didn't intend for you to have,' and boy, does that definition pierce right through my heart. So, God didn't intend for me to grow up with a mom? God didn't intend for me to have a loving grandfather who would dote on me the way most grandpas do on their granddaughters? Or, let me spin it like this: God intended for me to have a mom who would walk out when I was three and continue to live a self-centered life even now, almost three decades later? God intended for me to have a grandfather who would take advantage of my body and treat me as a sex object? Believe me when I say I ask God these questions a lot - sometimes out of a deep sadness and sometimes out of great anger. I am so thankful I serve a God that understands where my anger comes from and still loves me in spite of it.
I try to make peace with these questions and there are day I succeed. On those days it is easy to believe that for whatever reason, God thought it was better for me to not have a mom in the picture. Perhaps He was/is saving me from a greater hurt than what I've already experienced. As for the situation with my grandfather, well, I don't believe that ever was God's will but my grandfather's free will trumped over my childhood innocence and I bore the consequences of that decision. I do love the verse in Genesis 50:20, though, where it says, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." I would like to believe some good has come from my willingness to be so outspoken about my experience with abuse.
Other days, I struggle with understanding why. I really struggle. Especially when I am surrounded by moms loving their children every day at my job or when I hear a mom bragging on her child's accomplishments or I see a little girl resting her head on her mom's shoulder as her mom holds her close. There are some days when I can't even put a finger on what triggered the sadness and/or anger in me, it is just there. Either way, I begin to wrestle with God over these issues and the match can last a day or two or even linger for a week or longer.
So what's the point of this blog. I honestly don't know. It's a place for me to get thoughts and feelings out of my head and onto paper. I pray it's a place where people can read and hopefully gain some sort of comfort or encouragement from the fact that we all struggle with loss at some point in our lives. Our sadness can come in many different forms and at different times but at least for me, it's comforting to know that other still grieve losses that occurred many years ago. At any rate, a friend of mine posted this verse on Facebook this morning and it is the exact verse that has been on my heart the past several days, "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28.
I try to make peace with these questions and there are day I succeed. On those days it is easy to believe that for whatever reason, God thought it was better for me to not have a mom in the picture. Perhaps He was/is saving me from a greater hurt than what I've already experienced. As for the situation with my grandfather, well, I don't believe that ever was God's will but my grandfather's free will trumped over my childhood innocence and I bore the consequences of that decision. I do love the verse in Genesis 50:20, though, where it says, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." I would like to believe some good has come from my willingness to be so outspoken about my experience with abuse.
Other days, I struggle with understanding why. I really struggle. Especially when I am surrounded by moms loving their children every day at my job or when I hear a mom bragging on her child's accomplishments or I see a little girl resting her head on her mom's shoulder as her mom holds her close. There are some days when I can't even put a finger on what triggered the sadness and/or anger in me, it is just there. Either way, I begin to wrestle with God over these issues and the match can last a day or two or even linger for a week or longer.
So what's the point of this blog. I honestly don't know. It's a place for me to get thoughts and feelings out of my head and onto paper. I pray it's a place where people can read and hopefully gain some sort of comfort or encouragement from the fact that we all struggle with loss at some point in our lives. Our sadness can come in many different forms and at different times but at least for me, it's comforting to know that other still grieve losses that occurred many years ago. At any rate, a friend of mine posted this verse on Facebook this morning and it is the exact verse that has been on my heart the past several days, "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28.
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