Sufficient Grace Among Thorns

It happened again last night. I was scrolling through social media and learned an acquaintance had gotten married. I was happy for her, I really was. Many of her peers had been married for years and I imagined there was great joy for her as God finally brought her husband along. But almost instantly, that joy turned to sadness and a heaviness filled my heart. An all too familiar heaviness. One I've felt off and on for years, one that brings tears to my eyes, and one that, if I'm not careful, can turn into incredible bitterness.

I've often thought that, besides Jesus, one of the people I am looking forward to meeting in heaven is Paul. I want to talk to him about that thorn in his side because, boy, do I have some questions! Did he experience times when that thorn seemed almost non-existent, more like a splinter in his side and just a mild annoyance? And on the flip side, were there times that little thorn seemed to be so infected and raw that it left a trail of blood with every step he took? Or is that just me? I used to think the thorn in my side was the mom-shaped hole in my heart caused by my mom walking out of my life when I was three. Although it still hurts from time to time, it doesn't bother me as much as it did in my 20s and early 30s. In recent years, though, I believe a different thorn has found its way into my flesh and it goes by the name of Singleness. As I've said many times before, I do believe God has called me to a place of being single. Maybe for a season and maybe until I see him face to face, although most times I find myself leaning toward the latter. Marriage just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Most days I'm completely okay with that and delight in the blessings that come from being single. But there are some days being single is incredibly lonely and painful and I get frustrated, asking God why He doesn't just take away the longing to be married if it's not in His plan for me. 

In recent months, a very prominent Christian speaker and author announced that she was seeing someone after divorcing her husband a couple of years ago. She posted how God 'wrote a story that was the sweetest surprise' after she had doubted and hurt for so long. I wanted to be happy for her, I really did, but in true Angie honesty, let me tell you: I reacted poorly. My immediate question thrown heavenward was, "Really God? She gets ANOTHER great love when I haven't even had ONE?!?"  While at times I've asked that like a toddler throwing myself on the floor and crying, "It's not fair! I want it too!" more often, I feel like one of my littles whose lip quivers and twists and turns as she tries not to completely fall apart, as I walk to Jesus with my head down and gather up all my courage and strength to ask in a quiet little voice, "Why her? Why not me?" "Why does so-and-so get a second (or third or forth or fifth) husband, another chance at love and happily ever after when I haven't even gotten to experience it once?" It's an awful lot like waiting with a group of others in this big game in life called Love, as we wait to see who will be picked. 

- Her? Well of course she was picked first! Look how her face lights up when she engages with others. She's so confident in herself and her Jesus!

- Of course she was chosen next! She's stunningly gorgeous - inside and out.

- Oh, her? Well, that makes sense I guess. She does go to all the Bible studies and takes the best notes.

- Yeah, choosing her makes sense too. She's so gentle and kind and never has a negative word to say about others.

All the while, I smile and try to pump my fist and cheer for others as they walk off with their partner, trying not to notice that I've been standing here the longest without being chosen. That's what it all comes down to really: I long to be chosen. To be wanted. It's absolutely brutal at times. When I read the news of the Christian woman above, one of my first instincts was to reach out to a friend who, like me, was in the same boat when it came to singleness - wanting marriage but trying to be content without it. She would have understood how I was feeling and been able to say, "Yeah, I get it." But, wouldn't you know, she's dating a guy herself in recent months? 

I've found myself a bit of an anomaly in my Christian circle - never married, never had kids, never even dated. I'm not sure if that's a rarity in the secular world but in Christian circles? It definitely is. I've yet to find another person who can check all three of those boxes and that leaves this girl feeling pretty alone a lot of the time because no one else gets it. As much as my married friends try to relate, they just can't.

So, I pick up God's love letter to me and look again at the account of my friend Paul. Three times Paul pleaded with God to take his thorn away from him and God's tender response is, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9) I am so thankful for His power in my weakness as the adversary definitely doesn't hold back any punches in the areas he knows I'm weak in, especially this one. Yesterday at church, my pastor was praying for those in our church who were hurting or facing various trials and he prayed that they would remember the is always hope. Satan, knowing my heart was already tender concerning this issue, instantly whispered in my ear, "Except you. There's no hope for you." As tears fill my eyes even now thinking about it, I thank God that no matter how many times I react poorly to a friend's good news, even if it's only in my mind, His mercies are new every morning, His grace is sufficient to carry me all of my days as His hands tenderly and gently disinfect my thorn and send me on my way.