The Blame Game
As humans, we are well practiced at playing the blame game. Pointing to someone else for our faults or mistakes is a concept grasped as early as our toddler years. It takes humility and a great swallowing of pride to own up to doing something wrong and it's hard.
But what about blaming ourselves for something that necessarily isn't our fault? I admit I do that...A LOT. When things happen that are beyond my understanding, I often find myself wondering what I did to cause them because blaming myself is so much easier than trying to accept what is beyond my understanding. For example, there are still times (foolishly, I know) where I blame myself for my mom leaving. Maybe I was a difficult child and hard to discipline. Maybe I was one of those frustrating children that make moms want to pull their hair out. Logically I know these are irrational thoughts but at times, it's easier to believe those things rather than try to understand the real reason she left, which I may never know.
Another example is when (again, foolishly) I blame myself for the abuse at the hands of my grandfather. Deep down, I know he and he alone is to blame, that he is sick and used my body to fulfill his perverse needs. There are just times it is easier to just put the blame on myself because it's easier to rationalize than trying to make sense of just how sick he is and what caused him to do the things he did. I have relatives who have blamed me for what happened, saying that I always wanted to be with him and followed him around everywhere, and I wonder if there is some truth in that. Putting the blame on my shoulders sometimes makes the hard questions in life easier to swallow.
Recently, I've found myself doing the same thing with my being let go from Trinity. I know in my head and my heart that God has a plan in all of this and He wouldn't take me from something if He didn't have something better in mind. But on days like today when I find myself struggling with why He would take me away from a job I loved and a life at Trinity that I was passionate and joyful about, I start to wonder if I began to take my job for granted or put it above my relationship with God and He had no choice but to remove it from my life. In Sunday school yesterday we were talking about what life looks like when we start to take our blessing for granted or stop being thankful to God for giving them to us. Did I take the job that was such a huge blessing for granted and just expect that it would be there for me and forgetting that just as God placed me in that job, He could take me out of it? I don't know the answers to those questions but I do know that when I get frustrated with God's plan and struggle to see His will in all of this, it's easier to just blame myself instead.
I may never know why God has put an end to my time at Trinity or I may see His plan unfold in the months and years to come. Only time will tell. Until then, I will keep trying to trust God day by day and not place too much of the blame on myself.
But what about blaming ourselves for something that necessarily isn't our fault? I admit I do that...A LOT. When things happen that are beyond my understanding, I often find myself wondering what I did to cause them because blaming myself is so much easier than trying to accept what is beyond my understanding. For example, there are still times (foolishly, I know) where I blame myself for my mom leaving. Maybe I was a difficult child and hard to discipline. Maybe I was one of those frustrating children that make moms want to pull their hair out. Logically I know these are irrational thoughts but at times, it's easier to believe those things rather than try to understand the real reason she left, which I may never know.
Another example is when (again, foolishly) I blame myself for the abuse at the hands of my grandfather. Deep down, I know he and he alone is to blame, that he is sick and used my body to fulfill his perverse needs. There are just times it is easier to just put the blame on myself because it's easier to rationalize than trying to make sense of just how sick he is and what caused him to do the things he did. I have relatives who have blamed me for what happened, saying that I always wanted to be with him and followed him around everywhere, and I wonder if there is some truth in that. Putting the blame on my shoulders sometimes makes the hard questions in life easier to swallow.
Recently, I've found myself doing the same thing with my being let go from Trinity. I know in my head and my heart that God has a plan in all of this and He wouldn't take me from something if He didn't have something better in mind. But on days like today when I find myself struggling with why He would take me away from a job I loved and a life at Trinity that I was passionate and joyful about, I start to wonder if I began to take my job for granted or put it above my relationship with God and He had no choice but to remove it from my life. In Sunday school yesterday we were talking about what life looks like when we start to take our blessing for granted or stop being thankful to God for giving them to us. Did I take the job that was such a huge blessing for granted and just expect that it would be there for me and forgetting that just as God placed me in that job, He could take me out of it? I don't know the answers to those questions but I do know that when I get frustrated with God's plan and struggle to see His will in all of this, it's easier to just blame myself instead.
I may never know why God has put an end to my time at Trinity or I may see His plan unfold in the months and years to come. Only time will tell. Until then, I will keep trying to trust God day by day and not place too much of the blame on myself.
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