A Small Breakthrough
I've been debating in my head whether or not I should even write this blog. Does anyone even care? Is it as big a deal to my few readers as it is to me? Are my blogs starting to sound repetitive? Whiny? I'm not sure of the answers to any of these questions. I put myself out there on this blog and most times I get few, if any, comments or thoughts from those that read it. Lack of feedback makes me question whether my writing is worth reading or if it's not interesting or what. But the main reason I started this blog was to get my thoughts out there and let those who want to, read it. So I will proceed!
*It is such a powerful name. Mommy means "I trust you." Mommy means "You will protect me." Mommy is for shouting when you need someone dependable and for laughing with when you are excited; Mommy is for crying on and cuddling with when you are sad or giggling and hiding behind when you are embarassed. Mommy is the fixer of boo-boos and the mender of broken hearts. Mommy is a comfort place, a safe place. Mommy means you are mine and I am yours and we are a family.* ~ Kisses From Katie
I started reading this book yesterday and when I came to this passage, I paused and put down the book for awhile. Part of me was so happy for Katie (the author of the book). She is living in Uganda and is in the process of adopting 14 Ugandan orphaned girls. Yes, I said 14...and get this, she's only in her 20's! The gift she is giving to these girls by adopting them is amazing and very inspiring. What a way to live out God's calling on her life!
Another part of me just felt empty inside as I read this. During my childhood, I didn't say the word 'Mommy' very often because after the age of 3, calling someone 'Mom' was a foreign concept to me except for a month or so out of the year, if that. I do recall crying the word over and over one night in my bed as I lay there and kicked my feet on the bunk above me because I just missed my mom so much. I must have been about 4 or 5 and I can still remember the utter helplessness I felt because I wanted my mom so badly and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. When my dad married his second wife, I remember asking her if I could call her 'Mom' and she said yes. I tried it a few times but it just didn't feel right and so I stopped. All my life, I've just wanted someone I could call 'Mom'.
Recently, there was a debate going round and round in my mind and I couldn't come up with any satisfactory answer. I was wondering what the difference is between grief and depression. Are people depressed because they are grieving? Does grieving lead to depression? Where is the line between the two and how one one know if they've crossed it. One thing I've noticed is that when I am 'down' I often have thoughts about not having a mom and that just adds to my sadness. Not only am I sad, but I also get extremely angry and frustrated with myself for crying again over this hurt that I should be over by now. This led me to wonder was I really depressed or was a I grieving the loss of not having a mom? After racking my brain for a few days, a new thought occured to me and I believe it was a small breakthrough. While there are specific times not having a mom causes me to be 'down' and sad, I believe the reason I always find myself thinking about not having a mom when I am 'down' is because I am sad and what do people want when they are sad? Someone to comfort them. That is what moms are supposed to do....comfort their children. So, I don't believe I get 'down' because I don't have a mom, I get 'down' and want a mom to call up and cry to or one I can hug or one that will take me in her arms, hold me and just let me cry. It's not my lack of a mom that is causing me to be depressed, it's just a natural longing that comes out of being depressed.
That may not sound like a big deal to most people but when I made that connection in my head, it all seemed to make sense and even gave me a glimmer of hope that I am, in fact, not crazy. :-) This realization, and some other reasons, have caused me to increase my depression medication. I have the permission and guidance of my doctor to do so and I am wanting to see if it makes a difference. One aspect of depression I would love to be able to do without is what happened on a Saturday not too long ago. I had a great day, a very productive day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, it was just a typical day. All was well until I sat down on the couch that evening to wait for a friend to come pick me up for the evening and for no reason at all, I just started bawling! I was just overcome with sadness and there was no trigger or anything. I would like to do without those kids of experiences...
So there you have it - my breakthrough, albeit small. I'm praying this clarity will give me peace in the days to come as well as the opportunity to be gentle with myself when I do have those moments instead of angry. Thank you for reading.
*It is such a powerful name. Mommy means "I trust you." Mommy means "You will protect me." Mommy is for shouting when you need someone dependable and for laughing with when you are excited; Mommy is for crying on and cuddling with when you are sad or giggling and hiding behind when you are embarassed. Mommy is the fixer of boo-boos and the mender of broken hearts. Mommy is a comfort place, a safe place. Mommy means you are mine and I am yours and we are a family.* ~ Kisses From Katie
I started reading this book yesterday and when I came to this passage, I paused and put down the book for awhile. Part of me was so happy for Katie (the author of the book). She is living in Uganda and is in the process of adopting 14 Ugandan orphaned girls. Yes, I said 14...and get this, she's only in her 20's! The gift she is giving to these girls by adopting them is amazing and very inspiring. What a way to live out God's calling on her life!
Another part of me just felt empty inside as I read this. During my childhood, I didn't say the word 'Mommy' very often because after the age of 3, calling someone 'Mom' was a foreign concept to me except for a month or so out of the year, if that. I do recall crying the word over and over one night in my bed as I lay there and kicked my feet on the bunk above me because I just missed my mom so much. I must have been about 4 or 5 and I can still remember the utter helplessness I felt because I wanted my mom so badly and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. When my dad married his second wife, I remember asking her if I could call her 'Mom' and she said yes. I tried it a few times but it just didn't feel right and so I stopped. All my life, I've just wanted someone I could call 'Mom'.
Recently, there was a debate going round and round in my mind and I couldn't come up with any satisfactory answer. I was wondering what the difference is between grief and depression. Are people depressed because they are grieving? Does grieving lead to depression? Where is the line between the two and how one one know if they've crossed it. One thing I've noticed is that when I am 'down' I often have thoughts about not having a mom and that just adds to my sadness. Not only am I sad, but I also get extremely angry and frustrated with myself for crying again over this hurt that I should be over by now. This led me to wonder was I really depressed or was a I grieving the loss of not having a mom? After racking my brain for a few days, a new thought occured to me and I believe it was a small breakthrough. While there are specific times not having a mom causes me to be 'down' and sad, I believe the reason I always find myself thinking about not having a mom when I am 'down' is because I am sad and what do people want when they are sad? Someone to comfort them. That is what moms are supposed to do....comfort their children. So, I don't believe I get 'down' because I don't have a mom, I get 'down' and want a mom to call up and cry to or one I can hug or one that will take me in her arms, hold me and just let me cry. It's not my lack of a mom that is causing me to be depressed, it's just a natural longing that comes out of being depressed.
That may not sound like a big deal to most people but when I made that connection in my head, it all seemed to make sense and even gave me a glimmer of hope that I am, in fact, not crazy. :-) This realization, and some other reasons, have caused me to increase my depression medication. I have the permission and guidance of my doctor to do so and I am wanting to see if it makes a difference. One aspect of depression I would love to be able to do without is what happened on a Saturday not too long ago. I had a great day, a very productive day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, it was just a typical day. All was well until I sat down on the couch that evening to wait for a friend to come pick me up for the evening and for no reason at all, I just started bawling! I was just overcome with sadness and there was no trigger or anything. I would like to do without those kids of experiences...
So there you have it - my breakthrough, albeit small. I'm praying this clarity will give me peace in the days to come as well as the opportunity to be gentle with myself when I do have those moments instead of angry. Thank you for reading.
I'm a notorious non-commenter. It is definitely frustrating because you want to know if this is worth the effort. For the record, I think it is!
ReplyDeleteI will also throw out there that this is not really a small breakthrough. Recognizing where the issue lies is a HUGE step. It is hard enough to deal with depression, so figuring out a cause and hopefully getting some help with the medication will allow you to better handle it. It's a very cool thing!