Marriage and Relationships
Lately I’ve been given a lot of thought to the whole idea of marriage and relationships. Not because I’m in the position of entering either in my own life but more because it seems most people in my life are either married or in a dating relationship. At times I feel like an atypical person in society because at the age of 29, not only have I never been married, but I’ve never even been in a serious relationship either. There are many reasons why but I guess the biggest comes down to the fact that, at least for now, that’s not God’s will for my life and I’m okay with that. I really, truly am. A couple of years ago I was talking to a lady at the church I was attending at the time and telling her that I was content at the place I was in my life as a single woman, believing that if God were to bring a man into my life, that would be great. But if He didn’t, that would be okay too. Her reply? She told me I was lying and that she would pray for me. I can’t even begin to express how angry I was when she said those words! I was being honest at the time when I said those words and they honestly still hold true in my life today even if others don’t believe me.
I’ve got my share if issues and fears when it comes to the idea of marriage or being in a relationship. Some stem from the abuse and others come from life experiences in general. I’ve had the opportunity, a blessing I honestly think, to observe many marriages and relationships and that has afforded me the experience to really think about what qualities I want, and those I wouldn’t want, for myself if I were ever in such a position. Between my mom and my dad, I have witnessed 4 marriages, and that’s not including the aftermath of their own marriage to each other since all my memories come after they were divorced. I watched my mom build her life completely around her second husband to the point that after he died suddenly, she went into a downward spiral of drugs, alcohol, and suicide all because she believed that since he was dead, there was nothing in her life worth living for. Never mind the fact that she had 3 grown children. I’ve watched my dad marry women that, in his own words, he was so in love with and so comfortable with, only to divorce them months or years later because he just didn’t want to be married anymore or he had married them for the wrong reason. These things alone have tainted my view on marriage and left such a bitter taste in my mouth.
Being sexually abused as a child has also instilled fears inside of me when it comes to men and relationships, mostly the idea of being intimate, the idea of being vulnerable enough to let a man get close enough to know the real me. I often look married couples and think about how intimately they know each other – not only physically, but emotionally and mentally – and I stand in awe because I can’t even imagine letting anyone get to truly know me at those core levels. To me, that seems like such a foreign concept because as it is, I hold so much of myself back even now in my closest friendships. To truly let someone in is such a difficult concept to grasp.
Back when I was in college, I was given various opportunities to be more than ‘just friends’ with some of the guys that were in the group of friends that I often spent time with. One most of those occasions, I was honestly oblivious to the fact that my guy friend liked me more than just friends and when I found out their feelings went deeper than just friendship, I completely freaked. I’ve always struggled with the idea of a guy being attracted to me because I know that at least part of that attraction is physical. Because my grandfather was physically attracted to my body, in a very lustful and abusive way I know, it’s hard for me to be comfortable with the idea of anyone else being attracted to me. Once I became aware of my guy friend’s feelings, I immediately made it clear that I was only interested in being friends and nothing more. I never allowed a chance for those potential relationships to even move forward because I was too afraid. Now I can look at those same guy friends and see that most of them are happily married and know that God provided for them the right wife and I am thankful.
Sometimes I wonder if my singleness is not only God’s way of protecting me from the issues that would follow me into a relationship or marriage, but also His way of protecting those men who might be interested in a relationship. I honestly look at my life and there are days when my issues and insecurities wear even me out. I can’t imagine bring that baggage into a relationship and asking a man to pick it up. To me, it’s not fair and I could never ask that.
Although all of these thoughts have been in my head for some time now, I’ve been hesitant to blog about them because of potential reactions from those who read it. I’m not looking for these issues to be ‘fixed’ or resolved. As in every case where I share my feelings and my heart, I’m just looking to be heard and understood.
I’ve got my share if issues and fears when it comes to the idea of marriage or being in a relationship. Some stem from the abuse and others come from life experiences in general. I’ve had the opportunity, a blessing I honestly think, to observe many marriages and relationships and that has afforded me the experience to really think about what qualities I want, and those I wouldn’t want, for myself if I were ever in such a position. Between my mom and my dad, I have witnessed 4 marriages, and that’s not including the aftermath of their own marriage to each other since all my memories come after they were divorced. I watched my mom build her life completely around her second husband to the point that after he died suddenly, she went into a downward spiral of drugs, alcohol, and suicide all because she believed that since he was dead, there was nothing in her life worth living for. Never mind the fact that she had 3 grown children. I’ve watched my dad marry women that, in his own words, he was so in love with and so comfortable with, only to divorce them months or years later because he just didn’t want to be married anymore or he had married them for the wrong reason. These things alone have tainted my view on marriage and left such a bitter taste in my mouth.
Being sexually abused as a child has also instilled fears inside of me when it comes to men and relationships, mostly the idea of being intimate, the idea of being vulnerable enough to let a man get close enough to know the real me. I often look married couples and think about how intimately they know each other – not only physically, but emotionally and mentally – and I stand in awe because I can’t even imagine letting anyone get to truly know me at those core levels. To me, that seems like such a foreign concept because as it is, I hold so much of myself back even now in my closest friendships. To truly let someone in is such a difficult concept to grasp.
Back when I was in college, I was given various opportunities to be more than ‘just friends’ with some of the guys that were in the group of friends that I often spent time with. One most of those occasions, I was honestly oblivious to the fact that my guy friend liked me more than just friends and when I found out their feelings went deeper than just friendship, I completely freaked. I’ve always struggled with the idea of a guy being attracted to me because I know that at least part of that attraction is physical. Because my grandfather was physically attracted to my body, in a very lustful and abusive way I know, it’s hard for me to be comfortable with the idea of anyone else being attracted to me. Once I became aware of my guy friend’s feelings, I immediately made it clear that I was only interested in being friends and nothing more. I never allowed a chance for those potential relationships to even move forward because I was too afraid. Now I can look at those same guy friends and see that most of them are happily married and know that God provided for them the right wife and I am thankful.
Sometimes I wonder if my singleness is not only God’s way of protecting me from the issues that would follow me into a relationship or marriage, but also His way of protecting those men who might be interested in a relationship. I honestly look at my life and there are days when my issues and insecurities wear even me out. I can’t imagine bring that baggage into a relationship and asking a man to pick it up. To me, it’s not fair and I could never ask that.
Although all of these thoughts have been in my head for some time now, I’ve been hesitant to blog about them because of potential reactions from those who read it. I’m not looking for these issues to be ‘fixed’ or resolved. As in every case where I share my feelings and my heart, I’m just looking to be heard and understood.
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