Grieving a Loss

I've always been the kind of person that feels things very deeply. This has proven to be both a good and a bad thing, depending on the circumstances. I know that in this journey of faith, we are not supposed to depend on our feelings, which can be fleeting, but instead on what we know to be true. This has always been a struggle for me because, again, I feel some things so deeply.

For instance, good-byes of any kind are enough usually enough to reduce me to a sobbing, snotty mess. Whether it's me saying good-bye, others who are leaving, or even people on tv leaving, it's almost a sure bet I will cry. I don't have to be a rocket scientist to know this began in me  as a child with the painful good-byes after a visit to my mom in the summer. Even now, I get teary-eyed just thinking about it. The ordeal would start a few days or so before I was supposed to leave and I would wait until I got to bed and cry myself to sleep at the thought of leaving my mom. As the day to leave got closer, the tears would come more frequently until the day before I left, I cried pretty much non-stop. The morning I was to leave, the tears would start the instant I woke up and would continue throughout the day. When we would get to the airport, my mom would let me wait until the very last boarding call and then I would throw my arms around her and sob, wanting to hold onto her forever. Eventually I knew I had to get on the plane and so I would turn and begin to walk down the terminal. I can still remember the struggle that was going on inside me - my brain telling my feet to put one in front of the other and keep walking, while my heart was screaming, "Turn around and go back!" I would cry during the flight, while I was making my connection, and on the second flight that would take me home to my dad and Wyoming. Once I got off the plane, I would do my best to hold my emotions in check as I was greeted by my dad but I always made a beeline for the bathroom so I could get some more of those tears out. (For me, the more I try NOT to cry, the harder I want to cry!) Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved my dad growing up and still do. Because my time with my mom was so short and could be sporadic, I never knew when, or if, I would see her again. Also, while I was younger, I got caught up in the 'fun' life that I lived at my mom's with few rules and all kinds of fun activities packed into such a short time together. I know now as an adult that the reason it was so easy for her to be the 'fun' parent was because she only had to be one for a few weeks during the year. Still, my childlike mind couldn't understand that and it was always a hard transition going back to life with my dad. For the first few days after getting home, I would still cry myself to sleep and wake up in the morning and cry. But then I would get back into the routine I was used to and things would get better. So, good-byes of any type are hard. I remember when I was in college and the first pastor I had after being saved was moving away. Of course, I cried instantly when his wife broke the news and I ended up going home early from my job that afternoon because I couldn't stop crying! At the time, I was a member of an on-line support group for survivors of sexual abuse and as I was sharing my anguish over this pastor and his family leaving, someone there asked me if I was sure there was nothing 'more' going on between me and the pastor. I was horrified at the thought! But I couldn't then, and still can't today, explain just how much saying good-bye to someone hurts.

Another area of my life that brings a deep sadness at times is the absence of an adult relationship with a mom. I see mothers and daughters every single day at school and most days, I am happy for their relationship and can smile at their interactions. There are days, however, when even the simple thing as a mom kissing her daughter as she is leaving is enough to bring tears to my eyes. I can't explain it other than there are times in my  life, I tend to call them cycles, where I am grieved more over this loss than others and for reasons I can't explain, I grieve deeply during those times. Many things can set off one of these cycles and there are honestly times that I have no idea what starts them. I've said it before, but it's like things in my world are going just fine and then BAM! I am blindsided by these overwhelming thoughts and emotions. These overwhelming times are examples of instances when I cut as a means of dealing with some of that pain.

With all that said, I've had a few people tell me that I need to just, in a sense, move on and leave these issues behind - i.e. the longing for an adult relationship with a mom. Without going into great details, I have been told I basically need to get over this and stop letting it get me down. Believe me, I've even had those same thoughts myself. I am 30 years old and still cry at night because I don't have a mom?? I would be a gazillionaire if I had a nickel for every time I've told myself to grow up and get it together already. The thing is, if I knew how to get 'over' all these issues, I would gladly do it in a heartbeat! I hate feeling the way I do in those moments - the pain can be unbearable at times and the knowing that it will soon pass, only to resurface again, is enough to truly bring me down. When I face these criticisms from others, I can't help but wonder if they are right and then spend days berating myself over why I still hurt over this.

All this is to say that I'm realizing that it's okay to feel the way I do. It's okay to hurt over this deep void in my life and to hurt deeply because it is such a loss for me.  Like any other loss, I am realizing it's okay to grieve when those times come and enjoy the times when I have peace about it. I had a friend tell me once that I need to treat this situation in my life as a death, mourn over it and then move on. In return, I asked her to imagine that her daughter died. I asked if she would mourn the death for a time and then 'move on', never to cry about it or grieve over it again and she said yes. First of all, I don' t believe that to be true for a minute and if that's the way grief over a death really works, God must have hardwired me a little differently because I do still cry and I do still grieve. Are my means of coping the right way to handle this grief? No. I admit that and am really working harder on not using those vices during those times of grief. In the meantime, I will be sad, cry, and mourn the loss of a mother/daughter relationship when those times come, ignore the comments from others on how I should handle it,  lean on those who are understanding of my pain, and always be gentle and patient with myself until the sadness passes.