'Twas the Night Before Christmas...And Almost My Last
Recently I was sitting in church on Sunday morning, watching the children's Christmas program. I was overwhelmed with joy and pondering just how blessed I was as I watched the children sing. Some students were former students of mine from Trinity, and all were children I saw every Sunday in children's church. My heart was full.
For reasons unbeknownst to me, a night from almost 15 years ago came to mind as I sat there. It's a night I rarely think about and yet it could have had amazing repercussions for everyone I loved. It was Christmas Eve of my senior year, 1998...
...It was late, I don't remember the exact time, but I was home with my younger brother who was sound asleep in his room. My dad was at his girlfriend's house and I didn't expect him home for hours. The Christmas tree was lit and decorated in the living room and there were presents underneath. The stockings had been set out and there were probably even cookies and milk for Santa. It should have been a magical, happy night but truthfully, I was as down as I had ever been. I was miserable - plain and simple.
Many factors were contributing to my state of misery. This was before I became a Christian and so I was without joy and a hope for my future. I was consumed with thoughts of the abuse I had endured as a child, there were so many issues I had never resolved or even talked about. I was going to graduate high school that spring and didn't know where to go or what to do with my life. I had entertained thoughts of going to school in AZ to be closer to my mom - our relationship was better back in those days. At the same time, I was fearful of leaving my dad and the life in Wyoming I had grown up with. I didn't have many friends, and it seemed my dad and I were always fighting about something.
I was just so tired. Tired of my life, tired of living, tired of me. I couldn't see a reason to keep going. So I came up with a plan. I don't know if I had thought of the plan days before or in the moment that evening but I thought the plan was fail proof. It had been cold that winter and my dad was letting me park my car in the detached garage. He had warned me many times about making sure I opened the garage door before starting my car to let it warm up. The garage was very small and it wouldn't take long for fumes to fill it up and become deadly.
My plan was to take a pillow and some blankets and camp out in my started car with the windows down and the garage door closed. I figured since my dad wouldn't be home for hours, there would be plenty of time for the carbon dioxide to do its job. Even when he did get home, he probably wouldn't have heard the car running since it wasn't connected to the house. It seemed like a good way out.
I don't remember even thinking to write a note for my dad, I just wanted to be done with everything. I gathered up my blankets and my pillow and had just left my room to walk around the corner and into the garage when I saw headlights reflect on the wall and my dad's truck pulled into the driveway. He was home early. I was so defeated and discouraged. I went to bed with such a heavy heart, hoping another opportunity would present itself soon.
Life, of course, went on. I did graduate that spring but even more wonderful than that, I gave my heart to the Lord the Monday before I graduated. The joy and hope I experienced was unlike anything I had ever known. There were hard days and months to come, especially the years I spent working through my past and the depression diagnosis that eventually came, but I never lost that hope I had in Christ.
As I reflect on that night 15 years ago, and see the road God has led me down in the years since, I am so glad my plans were foiled that night. I would have missed out on so much that was yet to come. The Lord saved me from myself so that in just a few short months, I could become His child and that has blessed me more than I ever could have imagined.
For reasons unbeknownst to me, a night from almost 15 years ago came to mind as I sat there. It's a night I rarely think about and yet it could have had amazing repercussions for everyone I loved. It was Christmas Eve of my senior year, 1998...
...It was late, I don't remember the exact time, but I was home with my younger brother who was sound asleep in his room. My dad was at his girlfriend's house and I didn't expect him home for hours. The Christmas tree was lit and decorated in the living room and there were presents underneath. The stockings had been set out and there were probably even cookies and milk for Santa. It should have been a magical, happy night but truthfully, I was as down as I had ever been. I was miserable - plain and simple.
Many factors were contributing to my state of misery. This was before I became a Christian and so I was without joy and a hope for my future. I was consumed with thoughts of the abuse I had endured as a child, there were so many issues I had never resolved or even talked about. I was going to graduate high school that spring and didn't know where to go or what to do with my life. I had entertained thoughts of going to school in AZ to be closer to my mom - our relationship was better back in those days. At the same time, I was fearful of leaving my dad and the life in Wyoming I had grown up with. I didn't have many friends, and it seemed my dad and I were always fighting about something.
I was just so tired. Tired of my life, tired of living, tired of me. I couldn't see a reason to keep going. So I came up with a plan. I don't know if I had thought of the plan days before or in the moment that evening but I thought the plan was fail proof. It had been cold that winter and my dad was letting me park my car in the detached garage. He had warned me many times about making sure I opened the garage door before starting my car to let it warm up. The garage was very small and it wouldn't take long for fumes to fill it up and become deadly.
My plan was to take a pillow and some blankets and camp out in my started car with the windows down and the garage door closed. I figured since my dad wouldn't be home for hours, there would be plenty of time for the carbon dioxide to do its job. Even when he did get home, he probably wouldn't have heard the car running since it wasn't connected to the house. It seemed like a good way out.
I don't remember even thinking to write a note for my dad, I just wanted to be done with everything. I gathered up my blankets and my pillow and had just left my room to walk around the corner and into the garage when I saw headlights reflect on the wall and my dad's truck pulled into the driveway. He was home early. I was so defeated and discouraged. I went to bed with such a heavy heart, hoping another opportunity would present itself soon.
Life, of course, went on. I did graduate that spring but even more wonderful than that, I gave my heart to the Lord the Monday before I graduated. The joy and hope I experienced was unlike anything I had ever known. There were hard days and months to come, especially the years I spent working through my past and the depression diagnosis that eventually came, but I never lost that hope I had in Christ.
As I reflect on that night 15 years ago, and see the road God has led me down in the years since, I am so glad my plans were foiled that night. I would have missed out on so much that was yet to come. The Lord saved me from myself so that in just a few short months, I could become His child and that has blessed me more than I ever could have imagined.
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