A Forever Mom

This blog has been churning in my heart for a couple weeks now, trying to work it's way into writing but my head keeps resisting. It's something I've written about before, more than once, and yet I can't seem to make peace with it. This issue brings out the worst in the way I talk to myself. I would never let another person say to me the things I say to myself when this issue is first and foremost at the front of my mind. Things like

"Get over it! You're 33 for Pete's sake!"
"No one cares!"
"Move on already!"
"No wonder people get tired of your issues!"
"You're so stupid!"

For real. These thoughts, and more, go through my head on a daily basis, especially when this issue rears its ugly head A-G-A-I-N! I would like to think I am making some progress, however, as this is the first time in awhile that I've anguished over such a simple statement:

I just want a mom.

A full-time, 24 hour a day, 365 days a year mom. A mom who calls just to check in with me. A mom that sees something she thinks I would like and buys it for me for no special reason. A mom who knows my favorite kind of cookie and bakes me some just because. A mom who doesn't ask questions when I'm in a quiet mood but knows when it's necessary to pry. A mom to tell me I look beautiful when all I'm wearing is a pair of jeans and a hoodie. A mom who wakes up in the middle of the night with an urge to pray for me and is faithful even when she doesn't know why. A mom who loves me unconditionally for who I've been, who I am, and who I will become.

Yes, I technically have a mom. I've tried to think of how to word this tactfully in case she should read it, and I think it all comes down to the fact that she was never there. She left when I was three and although I saw her during most summers while growing up, my seeing her always revolved around her schedule and her life. She never wanted to come see me and be a part of my life. Basically, my mom's life has always been about her and I was always just an after thought. Because of that, I've always longed for a mom that would be there. A mom that wanted to be involved in my life. Always. Forever.

God has blessed me over the years with wonderful women who have helped to fill that 'mom void.' It's amazing to look back and see that God placed each of these different women in my life at a time when I needed them specifically. The 'mom' who was there when I first became a Christian and worked through my past, when my emotions and thoughts were ALL over the place and later went to court with me when I pressed charges against my grandfather. The 'mom' who walked beside me in my early college years as an abuse survivor herself and cried tears for my hurt when I couldn't cry them myself. The 'mom' who was there during all the ups and downs in my relationship with my dad and when I had to have unexpected major surgery. The 'mom' who stood next to me when I was diagnosed with major depression and was there to listen, listen again, and then listen some more as I shared things from my past I had never shared before and always listened with complete understanding and no judgment.

I am thankful for all those women, I really am. The only problem is, they have their own 'all the time' children and as I have to remind myself over and over and over - I'm not one of them. Their children get the perks and benefits of having an all-the-time mom and I get fleeting thoughts and/or prayers throughout the day. While I am beyond thankful for those, it's just not the same.

So, what is the point of all this? I honestly couldn't tell you. When I read it over, it sounds whiny, pathetic and 'clingy'. But my blog has always been a place where I can be completely honest and pray that, in some tiny way, I am helping others out by sharing my thoughts.