The Great Pretender

I'm really good at pretending. Pretending that things don't hurt me. So good, in fact, that it annoys me at times. Where did such a talent, and a curse, come from? Maybe from enduring abuse at the hands of my grandfather without any trace of emotion on my face so he didn't know how humiliated and ashamed I was? Maybe from hearing negative comments about my mom from my dad and step-mom as I was growing up, feeling that they were somehow putting me down because she was a part of me? Maybe after listening to the hurtful comments my mom made about my period once in my early teenage years, as if I wasn't already mortified at the changes happening with my body? Wherever this ability came from, it hasn't always served me well.

Along with pretending that the actions and words of others don't hurt me, I have developed this coping mechanism of becoming angry instead. Several years ago, I was talking to a friend about something that had happened over the weekend. My feelings were extremely hurt and I was ranting and raving to her about how angry I was. She interrupted me with these five simple words, "You mean, you were hurt." I was stunned into silence. I was hurt. I. Was. Hurt. That's when I realized how often I would allow myself to go right to anger instead of admitting I was hurt.

Why can't I just admit to myself, and others, when they have hurt me? It's not even that I pretend to be angry in front of others and then go home and lick my wounds. Sometimes it is days after the offense that I realize I wasn't actually angry, I was hurt. Is it that I don't want others to know they have that power over me? Sure, they can make me angry, but they can't wound me? Is anger somehow better than being wounded? Is admitting I am hurt also admitting I can be vulnerable? Because, man, if there is one thing I hate, it's being vulnerable. Rarely has being vulnerable with someone worked out in my favor.

So do I jump right to anger instead of sadness because it's somehow safer in the mind of Angie? If so, how do I change that? How do I become okay with letting myself be hurt? This is one of those blogs where I have no answer to share at the end. No light bulb moment that caused everything to make perfect sense. Nothing of the sort. It's just my thoughts. My heart. Put out there in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, someone else will relate and perhaps have the answers I am seeking.

Comments

  1. UnknownSeptember 2, 2016 at 6:32 AM

    Anger is so much easier to handle than hurt! I think its in our nature to gravitate towards things that are easier to handle. Often when someone dies which is a painful thing the first reaction, or stage in the grieving process is anger. Angie we have so much in common it's crazy! Thank you for sharing this. Love you

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