No Good at Goodbyes
*SIGH* I've never been good at saying goodbye. Never. Even as a little girl, it was hard. Brutal even. And I honestly can't tell you why. I just know they are hard...and I hate them. A lot.
When I was little, I would spend some time with my mom in the summers. After not seeing her all year, the build up to a trip to see her was so exciting. I loved every minute with her and the time always seemed to go by too quickly. When the day came to leave, I would begin crying the moment my eyes opened. By the time we got to the airport, I would be a mess, hating what was about to come. My mom always told me I needed to stop crying, that someone might see me in my emotional state and take advantage of me, but I just couldn't and the more I tried to stop, the faster the tears fell and the harder the sobs came. Even today, trying to make myself stop crying only makes it worse. When the time came for me to board the plane, my mind would tell my feet to keep putting one foot in front of the other while my heart was telling me to turn around and run back as fast as I could. I don't know what caused such extreme emotions but I do know I was the only one who seemed to have them. When my older brother would leave with me, he didn't shed a single tear. Neither did my step-sister when she would leave to go back to her mom's. My mom never cried and my step-dad didn't. I was the only crier, which made me feel incredibly alone and, frankly, like a little baby. This happened up into high school and the goodbyes never got easier. They were always hard.
As an adult, hard goodbyes now consist of friends moving away, or when I was in college, back home. This summer, a good friend moved away. When I found out in late May, the tears immediately came. Not only did I know this friend in a personal way, but also in a professional context, and I was devastated that she would no longer be a phone call, or short drive, away. When talking to my grandma once about how upset I was, she - in all her wisdom - told me, "Angie, it's not like they are dying." True words, very true. Now, to put this in context, I've only lost one good friend to death. I am extremely blessed in that regard, I know, and even that sadness was different. Knowing someone will be with Jesus vs. still being here, only far away, is harder for me.
A few days ago, another good friend told me her husband accepted a job in Florida and they would be moving right after Thanksgiving. I haven't known this friend very long, only a handful of months, but in that time, she has become such a close friend. Our friendship is so easy, so comfortable and that ease allowed me to share with her things I've never shared with anyone before. I'm not the kind of person that just drops by a friend's house to hang out but I do that often with her. She always welcomes me with a smile and some easy conversation and good laughs. Now she is leaving and my heart is broken. I've asked God a million times why He is calling her family away and the best answer I can get is that someone else needs her friendship more than I do. Her family will be such a blessing to all those they meet in Florida.
Now that I'm faced with saying another goodbye, my thoughts take me back to the instances of saying goodbye to my mom when I was growing up and I am reminded of feeling like a baby, wondering why I cry so much. I guess when I love, I love fiercely and with all of my heart. At times I wish I could me more calloused, more hard, when it comes to feeling things. That certainly would make times like this easier. But to love deeply is to feel deeply, and so will I let the tears fall.
When I was little, I would spend some time with my mom in the summers. After not seeing her all year, the build up to a trip to see her was so exciting. I loved every minute with her and the time always seemed to go by too quickly. When the day came to leave, I would begin crying the moment my eyes opened. By the time we got to the airport, I would be a mess, hating what was about to come. My mom always told me I needed to stop crying, that someone might see me in my emotional state and take advantage of me, but I just couldn't and the more I tried to stop, the faster the tears fell and the harder the sobs came. Even today, trying to make myself stop crying only makes it worse. When the time came for me to board the plane, my mind would tell my feet to keep putting one foot in front of the other while my heart was telling me to turn around and run back as fast as I could. I don't know what caused such extreme emotions but I do know I was the only one who seemed to have them. When my older brother would leave with me, he didn't shed a single tear. Neither did my step-sister when she would leave to go back to her mom's. My mom never cried and my step-dad didn't. I was the only crier, which made me feel incredibly alone and, frankly, like a little baby. This happened up into high school and the goodbyes never got easier. They were always hard.
As an adult, hard goodbyes now consist of friends moving away, or when I was in college, back home. This summer, a good friend moved away. When I found out in late May, the tears immediately came. Not only did I know this friend in a personal way, but also in a professional context, and I was devastated that she would no longer be a phone call, or short drive, away. When talking to my grandma once about how upset I was, she - in all her wisdom - told me, "Angie, it's not like they are dying." True words, very true. Now, to put this in context, I've only lost one good friend to death. I am extremely blessed in that regard, I know, and even that sadness was different. Knowing someone will be with Jesus vs. still being here, only far away, is harder for me.
A few days ago, another good friend told me her husband accepted a job in Florida and they would be moving right after Thanksgiving. I haven't known this friend very long, only a handful of months, but in that time, she has become such a close friend. Our friendship is so easy, so comfortable and that ease allowed me to share with her things I've never shared with anyone before. I'm not the kind of person that just drops by a friend's house to hang out but I do that often with her. She always welcomes me with a smile and some easy conversation and good laughs. Now she is leaving and my heart is broken. I've asked God a million times why He is calling her family away and the best answer I can get is that someone else needs her friendship more than I do. Her family will be such a blessing to all those they meet in Florida.
Now that I'm faced with saying another goodbye, my thoughts take me back to the instances of saying goodbye to my mom when I was growing up and I am reminded of feeling like a baby, wondering why I cry so much. I guess when I love, I love fiercely and with all of my heart. At times I wish I could me more calloused, more hard, when it comes to feeling things. That certainly would make times like this easier. But to love deeply is to feel deeply, and so will I let the tears fall.
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