Wise Words For an Aching Soul
God has richly blessed my life with people who have been spiritual parents in my faith - guiding and leading me down the narrow path I have chosen to walk. They live out their faith in their words and actions every day - owning up to their mistakes, serving Christ even when it's hard, and trusting in His plan even when it doesn't make any sense. They are who I want to be when I grow up.
That's not to say I have always realized their value in my life. There was a time when one particular couple spoke a truth into my life but it's only as I've gotten older that I've valued those words. At the time, I was angry and thought they were being calloused and very unkind.
I was in college, either my first or second year. I was up to my ears in the mud and mire of dealing with the affects of being sexually abused as a child. I was in counseling and facing some very painful truths in my life and the lives of others. I had held in and struggled with so much from the ages of 10 until I was 18 and it was taking some time to make sense of it all and find some sort of peace and acceptance. It was hard and exhausting work, it was all consuming, and for a period of time, I wallowed in one heck of a pity party for myself. I was obsessed with the unfairness of being abused and I walked around with the attitude that the world (and God) owed me BIG time.
It seemed like each counseling session would bring up another hurt or more confusion and I would wallow in it for days. It was during that time this couple told me, "Angie, you need to stop running from crisis to crisis," (or something along those lines) Um, what? Excuse me? My grandfather took advantage of my body, my heart, and my soul for a huge part of my childhood and I wasn't allowed to feel sorry for myself? I was mad and hurt, thinking they just didn't understand.
In time I began to see the truth in their words and I started to be intentional about living by faith and what God's Word says, not being ruled by each emotion that seized my head and my heart. It was solid advice and I am so very thankful they were bold enough to say it, even though I didn't understand and took such offense at the time.
I've thought a lot about those words over the years and it's only been in recent months that I understand why I was running from crisis to crisis. There was a reason behind it I've only recently began to see. The night I told about the abuse, after my grandfather left our house, I was told I could go to bed and that was that. There was no hug, no holding me, no saying it wasn't my fault, there was none of that. Granted, I didn't even realize the heinousness of what had happened to me and I have no idea what my dad and step-mom were thinking/feeling that night. But regardless, there was no comforting or that immediate support I so desperately needed, even if I didn't understand so much of what had happened or was happening.
Fast forward to those first could years of college. I was getting all kinds of sympathy and empathy from my counselor, from friends after I revealed the abuse, and from other survivors. I needed, I craved, those words and hugs, comfort and support I was getting. There was a little girl inside that just needed to be held, comforted, and told over and over again that it wasn't her fault. That she was still beautiful. That she wasn't worthless or unloved. That she wasn't damaged or broken. Running from crisis to crisis was the only way I knew to get those things I so desperately needed from others. That was the method to my madness.
Even today, I need to hear those things. There are moments, and even days, when I am just sad. My heart hurts not only for the things that happened to me, but the affect it has had on my life and the strife it has caused in my family. But I am learning that I have to be careful. There is definitely a time to be sad and grieve those hurts - even God's heart is broken at all I've experienced - but wallowing in a pity party can lead to all kinds of issues. I'm trying my best to remember that only God can give me the comfort and love that I so desperately need...only He can bring that peace to the places deep within that are so unsettled.
Thank you, friends. Thank you for loving me enough to say those words. I will forever be grateful.
That's not to say I have always realized their value in my life. There was a time when one particular couple spoke a truth into my life but it's only as I've gotten older that I've valued those words. At the time, I was angry and thought they were being calloused and very unkind.
I was in college, either my first or second year. I was up to my ears in the mud and mire of dealing with the affects of being sexually abused as a child. I was in counseling and facing some very painful truths in my life and the lives of others. I had held in and struggled with so much from the ages of 10 until I was 18 and it was taking some time to make sense of it all and find some sort of peace and acceptance. It was hard and exhausting work, it was all consuming, and for a period of time, I wallowed in one heck of a pity party for myself. I was obsessed with the unfairness of being abused and I walked around with the attitude that the world (and God) owed me BIG time.
It seemed like each counseling session would bring up another hurt or more confusion and I would wallow in it for days. It was during that time this couple told me, "Angie, you need to stop running from crisis to crisis," (or something along those lines) Um, what? Excuse me? My grandfather took advantage of my body, my heart, and my soul for a huge part of my childhood and I wasn't allowed to feel sorry for myself? I was mad and hurt, thinking they just didn't understand.
In time I began to see the truth in their words and I started to be intentional about living by faith and what God's Word says, not being ruled by each emotion that seized my head and my heart. It was solid advice and I am so very thankful they were bold enough to say it, even though I didn't understand and took such offense at the time.
I've thought a lot about those words over the years and it's only been in recent months that I understand why I was running from crisis to crisis. There was a reason behind it I've only recently began to see. The night I told about the abuse, after my grandfather left our house, I was told I could go to bed and that was that. There was no hug, no holding me, no saying it wasn't my fault, there was none of that. Granted, I didn't even realize the heinousness of what had happened to me and I have no idea what my dad and step-mom were thinking/feeling that night. But regardless, there was no comforting or that immediate support I so desperately needed, even if I didn't understand so much of what had happened or was happening.
Fast forward to those first could years of college. I was getting all kinds of sympathy and empathy from my counselor, from friends after I revealed the abuse, and from other survivors. I needed, I craved, those words and hugs, comfort and support I was getting. There was a little girl inside that just needed to be held, comforted, and told over and over again that it wasn't her fault. That she was still beautiful. That she wasn't worthless or unloved. That she wasn't damaged or broken. Running from crisis to crisis was the only way I knew to get those things I so desperately needed from others. That was the method to my madness.
Even today, I need to hear those things. There are moments, and even days, when I am just sad. My heart hurts not only for the things that happened to me, but the affect it has had on my life and the strife it has caused in my family. But I am learning that I have to be careful. There is definitely a time to be sad and grieve those hurts - even God's heart is broken at all I've experienced - but wallowing in a pity party can lead to all kinds of issues. I'm trying my best to remember that only God can give me the comfort and love that I so desperately need...only He can bring that peace to the places deep within that are so unsettled.
Thank you, friends. Thank you for loving me enough to say those words. I will forever be grateful.
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