20 Years Ago
Twenty years ago, President Bill Clinton was acquitted and cleared in his impeachment trial. Two high school schoolers walked into their school and let loose a barrage of gunfire, killing 12 of their peers and one teacher. West Nile first appeared in the U.S. and Barbie turned 40. Even more importantly, my life changed completely 20 years ago when I gave my life to Christ.
It was the week before I graduated high school and I met with a local pastor at his church on a Monday morning. For the first time, I heard about needing a relationship with Christ to become a Christian and that just going to church and trying to be a good person wasn't enough. Throughout my four years of high school, I attended Fellowship of Christian Athletes and it was there that I believe the foundation of faith was set and the ground work was laid. The pastor I met with helped to fill in the blanks and answered the many questions I had. One thing he told me that I have always respected him for was that the decision to give my life to Christ was one that only I could make. He told he could lead me in a prayer but suggested I go home and do it on my own, in my own words and my own time. I went straight home and I remember kneeling down on the teal carpet of my bedroom and telling God I needed Him. I told Him I didn't want to keep living life the way it was going and that I didn't know what else to do. My life was a total mess - I was suicidal, the unresolved pain and issues from my childhood were killing me inside, and I felt like most days I was just going through the motions of what everyone expected of me. I was ready to be done and I told God that unless He saved me from myself and my sins, I was not going to make it.
I will never be able to explain the peace that flooded my soul in that very instant. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I knew my life had been transformed and I was eager to learn anything and everything I could about this Jesus who now had my heart.
That summer I was in church every time the doors were open and I devoured by Bible like nothing I had ever read before. I was baptized in August and set off to college ready to take on the world. I knew God had great things in store and I was excited to see what they were. I was going to get my AA here in Riverton at CWC and then transfer to UW after two years. I was sure God's plans included my marrying a godly man that I would probably meet in college and, having never wanted children of my own, we were going to adopt a whole gaggle of little girls from China. As I began college and started working through the abuse in my childhood, I just knew God was going to use me and my story to encourage and inspire untold numbers of young women. I was going to be a counselor and help others walk through their own traumas. I was pretty sure God had it all planned out and I was just along for the ride.
Now here I sit twenty years later - single, almost 40, with a degree in psychology that I'm not using, living paycheck to paycheck and I can't help but wonder if God has forgotten me. My closest friends are all married with kids, there's a couple from my church in China as I type this, getting ready to bring their adopted son home, and aside from this blog and an online support group I ran years ago, my past hasn't encouraged and inspired the masses. Now hear me when I say that I KNOW God promises to never forsake me and that His hand has been guiding me all these years, but there's a part of me that is incredibly sad that none of those plans I had so long ago have come to pass.
When I see a husband and wife holding hands as they worship in church, my heart aches. With each picture I see of friends with their adopted littles from China and India, my shoulders droop a little more. When a friend gets a piece of fiction published and I can't even get a publisher to consider my writings, I find myself once again asking God "Why?" I read in Genesis when He created the world and decided that it was not good for man to be alone and I wonder why it's good for me to be alone. I see friends married for the second and third time and wonder why no man has ever once wanted to marry me.
I'm not looking for a pity party with this blog and I'm not asking people to feel sorry for me. This is just me being real, which is what I have always vowed to do with this blog, praying that my "realness" encourages someone else out there.
It was the week before I graduated high school and I met with a local pastor at his church on a Monday morning. For the first time, I heard about needing a relationship with Christ to become a Christian and that just going to church and trying to be a good person wasn't enough. Throughout my four years of high school, I attended Fellowship of Christian Athletes and it was there that I believe the foundation of faith was set and the ground work was laid. The pastor I met with helped to fill in the blanks and answered the many questions I had. One thing he told me that I have always respected him for was that the decision to give my life to Christ was one that only I could make. He told he could lead me in a prayer but suggested I go home and do it on my own, in my own words and my own time. I went straight home and I remember kneeling down on the teal carpet of my bedroom and telling God I needed Him. I told Him I didn't want to keep living life the way it was going and that I didn't know what else to do. My life was a total mess - I was suicidal, the unresolved pain and issues from my childhood were killing me inside, and I felt like most days I was just going through the motions of what everyone expected of me. I was ready to be done and I told God that unless He saved me from myself and my sins, I was not going to make it.
I will never be able to explain the peace that flooded my soul in that very instant. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I knew my life had been transformed and I was eager to learn anything and everything I could about this Jesus who now had my heart.
That summer I was in church every time the doors were open and I devoured by Bible like nothing I had ever read before. I was baptized in August and set off to college ready to take on the world. I knew God had great things in store and I was excited to see what they were. I was going to get my AA here in Riverton at CWC and then transfer to UW after two years. I was sure God's plans included my marrying a godly man that I would probably meet in college and, having never wanted children of my own, we were going to adopt a whole gaggle of little girls from China. As I began college and started working through the abuse in my childhood, I just knew God was going to use me and my story to encourage and inspire untold numbers of young women. I was going to be a counselor and help others walk through their own traumas. I was pretty sure God had it all planned out and I was just along for the ride.
Now here I sit twenty years later - single, almost 40, with a degree in psychology that I'm not using, living paycheck to paycheck and I can't help but wonder if God has forgotten me. My closest friends are all married with kids, there's a couple from my church in China as I type this, getting ready to bring their adopted son home, and aside from this blog and an online support group I ran years ago, my past hasn't encouraged and inspired the masses. Now hear me when I say that I KNOW God promises to never forsake me and that His hand has been guiding me all these years, but there's a part of me that is incredibly sad that none of those plans I had so long ago have come to pass.
When I see a husband and wife holding hands as they worship in church, my heart aches. With each picture I see of friends with their adopted littles from China and India, my shoulders droop a little more. When a friend gets a piece of fiction published and I can't even get a publisher to consider my writings, I find myself once again asking God "Why?" I read in Genesis when He created the world and decided that it was not good for man to be alone and I wonder why it's good for me to be alone. I see friends married for the second and third time and wonder why no man has ever once wanted to marry me.
I'm not looking for a pity party with this blog and I'm not asking people to feel sorry for me. This is just me being real, which is what I have always vowed to do with this blog, praying that my "realness" encourages someone else out there.
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