A New Season

I was looking up something on my blog the other day and didn't realize I hadn't written anything since November - oofta! So I thought I would post a little update...

So far I have survived this whole virus thing with my health and (most of) my sanity! Because of it, one of my babysitting jobs ended abruptly and the mama of another kept her little one home for a few weeks. Then, at the beginning of June, two of my littles spent a month with their grandparents and their mama had a beautiful baby girl! Next week I get those girls (minus the baby, for now) back full-time and I am looking forward to it! It will be nice to be back to 'normal' for a few weeks before some more big changes. With one of my jobs, the two oldest will be in school full-time and the youngest will be in preschool a couple mornings a week. His mom only works part-time so he will go to daycare when he's not in school. Another one of my mamas is going to be taking some college classes, as well as working full-time, so her little one will go to the same daycare. I am sad to see these little ones leave but I appreciate their mamas looking after me and acknowledging I will have my hands full when I get the baby full-time at the end of summer or beginning of fall. A lot of changes with my little ones, that's for sure! They have blessed my life SO much, I love spending my days with them!!

One of the books I have read this summer was Murder, Motherhood, and Miraculous Grace by a local author, Debra Moerke. Wowza! Talk about an amazing book with a testimony of God's goodness that  still makes my jaw drop when I think of it. After I read her book, I was contemplating my own life and prayed that if I ever faced the mountain of a trial she did, I would face it with the same grace and faith she showed and then shout from the rooftops what God had done in and through me because of it.  That next Sunday, my pastor's sermon included 1 Peter 4:10 "Each of you should use whatever gifts you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms." After thinking on these things for a few days, I wondered if it was time to try publishing the poems I wrote while walking through the journey of healing from my childhood sexual abuse. I realized I didn't need to wait for the next time I faced a mountain to give God the glory, He had already seen me over a HUGE one and maybe the world needs the encouragement and hope I can offer. I have always believed He gave me the gift of writing those poems at that exact time, for the exact purpose of working through the abuse, as I've not been able to write poems since. Maybe it wasn't just a gift for me, it was a gift to share with the world.

I have attempted to get my poems published in the past and it never went anywhere. I wanted this time to be different and I really prayed that it if it was of God, He would open the right doors. I took that a step further and asked some wise and godly friends to pray the same thing for me. Over the next few days, as I thought about sharing all those poems with the world, I experienced a sense of  being exposed and a 'rawness' I usually only experience after writing a particularly personal and intimate blog. I was confused as I hadn't even shared a rough draft of my poems with anyone yet and I realized this time, how the publishing venture might truly be from God. One of the friends I asked to pray for me cautioned me to really consider and be sure of my motives for wanting to publish - was it for attention and sympathy for what I had gone through or was it to give God all the honor and glory for the healing I experienced? In the past, I have to admit my motives tended to be more selfish and 'me focused' and the thought of publishing never really phased me. This time, however, it would be putting ALL of my work out there for others to read, even the poems that showed an ugly side of the healing process, and not just my picking and choosing the ones I thought were worthy. I asked those same friends to pray me through those feelings and I moved forward with the publishing venture. I have a couple different options when it comes to the actual publishing - through a self-publishing company that costs a lot up front pays for itself over time or one that is significantly less expensive but doesn't offer as many 'perks' such as editing help and design help, marketing, etc. I am continuing to pray about both of those but in the meantime, I have to complete a manuscript. In the past, it seemed I would get to a certain point in writing and then get stuck. This time, as I seek God, I am coming up with more ideas and the writing is coming more easily. I am thankful for that and for those that are praying and talking me through it. God has certainly been faithful up to this point!

So that's my world in a nutshell! Chasing littles by day and writing by night! I am excited to see how God moves in both!!