A False Sense of Peace

I've been sitting with some information for the last several days, trying to make sense of it and come to a place of peace. I'm still unsettled, however, and I'm not a big fan of being unsettled.

In 2002 I pressed charges against my grandfather with the intent of having him register as a sex offender. Eleven years after telling about the abuse, I learned there had been others before me and I was horrified to think there could have been others even after I told. In rare cases, abusers only have one victim and because no one else came forward when I did, I thought my situation was one of those rare ones. When I realized I wasn't the only one he abused, I wanted to at least make sure his neighbors were aware of what he was capable of. He was sentenced to 5 years probation and had to pay a fine along with registering as a sex offender. I checked the registry one day not long after to see if he was on there and he wasn't. I called the attorney's office and found that he was considered low-risk, a level 1 offender, and wouldn't show up when someone looked for him but if someone went to the police station and specifically asked about him, they'd be told his status. Not exactly what I had hoped to accomplish, but I had done what I could.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. After talking with a friend about how he was supposed to be on the registry, I looked and noticed they had all levels listed, not just 2 and 3, so I searched for his name. It wasn't there. Confused, I tried a couple more times, with different information and still couldn't find him on there. I contacted the attorney's office and the victim's advocate wasn't able to find him either. She said she would do some research and get back to me. She never did, even after a follow up phone call, but I did my own research and found that not all sex offenders have to register for life. I was very surprised to learn this. It all depends on what you're actually found guilty of, how long you serve time in prison, and other factors. According to those factors, my grandfather would have only had to register for 5 years. I guess I had assumed the registration was separate from the probation, no one told me otherwise. I'm not sure how to deal with knowing the past 18 years, I have lived with a false sense of peace and protection - not protection for myself but for others.

A friend of mine's son had consensual sex with a minor and he was convicted of statutory rape and has not only done a lengthy prison sentence but will have to register for life as a sex offender. He won't be allowed in playgrounds, at the mall, church, or any place around children. For life. I think something is wrong with our justice system when a young man has a consenting encounter with a young woman almost of age faces lifelong consequences, but a former pastor who abused at least six children over the span of a couple decades only has to register for five years.

You may be asking, "But why does it matter? He's much older now and probably not a threat any more." This is true. However, although he admitted to my abuse and pled guilty in a court of law, he has never personally taken responsibility for his actions to me or any of the others. He just makes excuses and justifies what he did. I believe a person who is not truly sorry for their sins are more likely to repeat them and so I sometimes worry about the two teenage girls who, along with their dad and grandma, live with him.

So I will continue to wrestle and try to find peace. And I will pray. I will not only pray also for the safety of others, but also that my grandfather would truly repent of his actions against me and the others.