The Shame Game

Some weeks are just plain harder than others. Last week was one of those weeks. I had the opportunity to share some of my past with the women in my Bible study group, some of whom I have known for a few years and some I have gotten to know over the past handful of weeks. Do I trust them? Yes. Enough to share the hard things? I sure thought so. We had been studying the I AM statements Jesus made in the New Testament and as the study came to an end, we were taking turns going around the table and talking about which statement was our favorite or meant the most to us. For me it was His saying "I am the gate for the sheep." In our study, we learned that this was a reference to shepherds literally laying their bodies at the entrance to the sheep pen to keep predators from getting in. What a powerful image that is for this little girl who grew up feeling so unsafe, and still struggles at times with feeling protected. As I shared with the group, I started with saying, "As some of you know, my testimony includes being sexually abused as a little girl." In saying this, my eyes instantly dropped and I couldn't make eye contact with anyone. Why is it I still feel so much shame in saying those words after all these years? It was my grandfather's sin, not mine! And yet, I couldn't look anyone in the eye as I said those words.

A few weeks ago I went to a local restaurant to get some salsa (hello Depot!) and the manager, who is a friend of mine, rang up my purchase. She asked how my book was coming along and the bartender who was working at the counter right beside her (who I know from church) asked, "You're writing a book? What's it about?" Again, I let shame get the best of me. I muttered something about it being a sort of memoir and then got out of there as quickly as I could. It is a million times easier to share my story in front of a group of people I don't know, or online where I'm not face-to-face with the person. But sharing it with people I  see at church every Sunday? With my pastor? With former students? The friends that come to a Saturday morning coffee group? Even some of my family members? That's super hard. I'm always worried they will see me differently or think less of me even though, again, it is HIS sin, NOT mine!

I know my story is about to go public in a huge way when my book is released. I've known that from the very beginning and most of the time, I really am okay with that. But as I wait, there are moments I feel incredibly vulnerable and exposed and I know those feelings will probably intensify for awhile after the book is in the hands of those I know and love. I just get discouraged with myself, thinking the shame game shouldn't even be an issue anymore. Does a survivor ever find true peace with that part of their story? I'll keep you posted.

Also last week, I found out that my grandfather was still engaging in abusive behavior with children as recently as a few years ago, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was going on even to this day. My heart is equal parts enraged that he is still allowed access to children at all, and broken for the little ones he has preyed upon. Do I believe someone convicted of sexual crimes against children can change? I do. I've seen it. But that requires true repentance and a transformation only God can work and I have never had reason to believe my grandfather is truly sorry for the things he did to me. It's a very hopeless feeling knowing I can't protect children that will spend time around my grandfather and that the adults charged with protecting them live in such a place of denial that they believe my grandfather has changed. I'm at a complete loss for finding peace with that situation. Again, I'll keep you posted.

As I wrestle with God over these things, I am reminded of just how faithful He is. I know He is with me in these hard times when I beg Him for understanding and peace and for protection for those being abused, just as He is with me in the moments I walk in joy at the healing work He has done in my life. I trust His plan is bigger and so much better than mine, and that ALL His ways are perfect. Some weeks, that trust is all that gets me through!