Broken Girl

 This October will mark 30 years since the abuse at the hands of my grandfather ended. Thirty years and I truly believe I am free from the effects of his actions. Sure, the abuse is always there but it doesn't consume me. It's just part of my life. Very rarely, however, what happened to me rears its ugly head and feels like a literal punch in the gut. Today was one of those days. 

Since the release of my book, I have gotten incredible support and encouragement from (almost) every one who has read it. As of this afternoon, Amazon only had one copy left of this first batch that were published! As wonderful as it has been to hear the reactions of the family and friends who have read it, my heart is anxious for my book to get into the hands of survivors. My heart's cry throughout the entire publishing process has been for my story, my poems - my heart - to point others to the healing and peace that only comes through Jesus. Trusting Jesus with this piece of the journey has been harder than I thought it would be and I'm having to remind myself He will use my past for His good in His time!

So with that little bit of anxiety in the back of my mind, I woke up this morning with a heaviness in my heart. Nothing else I could specifically put my finger on, just a deep sadness. In church, my pastor, is preaching from Proverbs and the past few weeks, he has been talking about Solomon's instructions and pleas to his son not to fall into adulterous relationships. Ian has been laying out a battle plan to keep our hearts, minds, and bodies from straying away from what God intended not only in a marriage, but in a believer's life in general. This morning he talked specifically about God's design and intent for the marriage bed and words for both the men and women on how to protect and treasure that part of us that God created specifically for intimacy in a marriage. As he was talking about how Satan has infiltrated our culture with his lies, telling women of all ages to put out there for the world what only their husband (future and current) should see, my mind was crying out, "What about when that precious gift, that part of yourself God created for your spouse alone, was taken from you? What if you weren't allowed to keep it to yourself?" I told myself to keep it together as I sat in my seat but I couldn't help the tears that fell slowly down my cheeks. Let me just say - Satan is a butt! He's so good at knowing just what buttons to push and which insecurities to whisper in our ear that will take our breath away. Right on the heels of my thoughts about not having a choice in saving that part of myself for marriage, came his whispers of shame - "No man would ever want you now. You're damaged. Used goods." I'm telling you, Satan is a master at his craft! He is so good at what he does. 

As I walked through the rest of today, a song by Matthew West kept coming to mind. It's called Broken Girl. Written after receiving many letters from young women telling him they had been sexually assaulted, I have often listened to it when I need encouragement. One line in the chorus says, 

"There is a Love they can never steal away

And you don't have to stay the broken girl"

So tonight I am resting in the safety of that Love. I am celebrating that days like this are very few and far between. I am resting in His promise that there will be new mercies when I wake up tomorrow. But most of all, I am doing my best to ignore the whispers of Satan and cling to what I know is true about my Jesus.