I Am Beautiful

Vulnerability. Does anyone actually enjoy being vulnerable? I most certainly do not. Not even a little. My past is full of instances I let my guard down and was vulnerable with someone only to have that vulnerability taken advantage of or thrown back in my face. I'm sure most, if not everyone, can relate. There is something so devastating about letting someone into the most intimate, painful, and scary parts of our hearts only to have it used against us or ignored. I am learning, however, that true healing and freedom from those hard places of our lives can only be found in being vulnerable and putting yourself out there. That's why I write this blog. It's scary as heck to put myself out there but I cling to the hope that if just one person can relate or has ever been in the same boat, then the exposure is worth it. 

In the Bible study I am doing at my church, the past couple of  weeks have been about hurts, experiences, and longings familiar to a woman's heart. Marriage, having children, being beautiful, living happily ever after - these are things that most, if not all, little girls think about. I personally don't remember thinking about these things when I was a child but I remember in middle and high school thinking that I needed to go to college, get a good job, find a good man, and have some babies. After I became a Christian, that list changed to go to college, get a good job, find a godly man, and adopt lots of baby girls from China! I checked the college part off my list and I've had some good jobs that I really loved, but as for the other two, well, they are still just sitting there on the list. It makes me smile a little that two different people in the recent days have said they are praying for God to bring me a godly man to love and share my life with. Truthfully, I don't pray for that anymore. I totally believe God is more than capable and that if His will is for me to be married, He will make it happen but I honestly don't know if that's something I want. The single life really isn't so bad! As for kids, if I'm honest with myself, and others, I don't think I ever really had the desire to have kids. I was just buying into the expectation others had put on me. I absolutely adore the littles that I take care of, and I would lay down my life for any one of them, but there's no tug on my heartstrings to have littles of my own. Being Auntie Angie is good enough for me!

Another thing the writer of this Bible study mentioned that did ring true, and if I'm being honest, it rang more true than I would like to admit - we (speaking as a woman) all want to be desired. We long to be wanted. Even someone like me, who isn't sure she wants to be married, still has that part of her heart that wants to be pursued. Wooed. The object of someone's love and affection. In my mind, this desire to be wanted goes along with the little girl I was that just wanted to grow up and be beautiful. Our Bible study talked about a Christian woman's beauty in the eyes of God and Isaiah 61:3 says He wants "...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes." My beauty crown seems to keep slipping off. Beautiful? Me? Maybe in the eyes of God but certainly not in my own. After all, as a child, it was my body that a grown man so lusted over that he used it for his sick perversions. Beautiful? I can't be. That ugliness cuts deep. As an adult, I am far from skinny and deal with acne that would rival a teenager on any given day. Beautiful? I don't think so. But God says I am and His Word is truth. He is a God that wants me as His daughter. He longs to pursue me. Woo me.

So I've come up with a game plan. When I was dealing with the issue of forgiveness for the abuse I endured as a child, a friend told me to start by saying every day, "I choose forgiveness." Even if I didn't feel like it, even if I didn't believe it, even if I said it through gritted teeth, I was supposed to say it and one day I would realize it was true. So I am taking the same approach with this beautiful business. I'm going to do my best each day to say, "I am beautiful in the eyes of God." Even when I don't feel like it, even when I don't believe it, even if I say it with tears running down my cheeks, I will say it. And maybe one day, just one day, I'll believe it.