Walking in the Desert

Mountains versus desert. Most of us have a preference. For me, it's definitely the mountains. I've lived near them my entire life. I see them every single day. Yes, the desert is nice to drive through occasionally, and there is definite beauty there, but I think I will always prefer the mountains. The same is true in my walk with God - I'll take all the mountain top moments and skip the desert (or wildness) experiences, please and thank you!

Unfortunately, living the life of a Christ follower rarely pans out that way. The mountain top moments tend to be the exception rather than the norm. It makes sense, if I approach it rationally. We are living as foreigners in an incredibly sinful world full of evil and wickedness. This is not our home. It's a stop along the way and man, is it brutal some days. There are hard lessons to be learned here that will prepare us for eternity with God and while He is a very patient and loving teacher, I tend to be a difficult student. I don't want the hard and the uncomfortable. I want easy and happy and all things sprinkles and unicorns.

I'm currently experiencing a desert season in my faith and, frankly, I hate it. I know, I know. I should be thankful for opportunity for God to grow my faith in ways that wouldn't happen otherwise. I've gone through desert seasons in my faith before and when I'm on the other side looking back, I can see so clearly the hand of God guiding me, so faithful along each and every step. But when I'm in the middle of it, I wish to be on the other side already, having learned what I needed to and moving on. Being smack in the middle of it, or dare I say maybe only at the beginning, is not my favorite. At all.

A friend recently asked how my day was going. My answer was, "Pretty craptastic!" and I don't know that there's a more accurate word to sum up what's going on in world right now. There's the job situation: I got certified to sub in the school district on the days I don't watch little ones but on those days when no jobs come up, I panic. What if I can't pay my bills when they are due? What if I end up going even more into debt just to stay afloat during this time? Will I ever be able to get financially ahead for once in my life? Added to that, I noticed right after Christmas that my hair was falling out. I'm talking at least one good handful every time I shower. Thankfully I found out it's a long-term side effect from having Covid but along with my skin going through a major overhaul as I've started a prescription regiment to try and clear up my acne, I feel pretty 'blah' about my appearance as of late. I've never been much of a girlie girl, putting a lot of effort into making up my face and doing my hair, but neither situation has helped matters in the self-esteem department. There's also the issue of needing a new vehicle. Lucy needs some work that would be pretty pricey so I'm trying to sell her and save up for something different. Praying, mostly, as I can't afford much, but definitely trying to save too. As if all of that wasn't enough, there are some nagging issues relating to the abuse in my childhood and publishing a book about it that I'm trying to avoid for now as I don't know if there are any actual answers or solutions, but it is still weighing pretty heavily on my heart.

Sigh. It's a lot. But at the same time, it seems pretty trivial compared to friends dealing with major health issues, parents I know watching their 11 year old son live out his last days after fighting cancer with so much courage, trouble in friends' marriages, and just the general unrest in our country and world. I'm watching a good friend walk through a very challenging time in her life health wise and my problems seem very small as my heart aches for all she is going through. But comparing them to what others are facing doesn't make them go away and doesn't make them any less real. Like it or not, they are my current reality.

I just started a Bible study with some women in my church and wouldn't you know that in the very first week, the author talks about experiences in the wilderness? It's almost like God is aware and in the details! The whole study challenges us to look at God's Word through a Middle Eastern lens instead of our Western lens as it was written during a time, and for a culture, that is so unlike where we are today. Does that make the Bible any less relevant? Absolutely not! We can just gleam more from the pages if we keep in mind the audience it was written for. She makes the point that in our Western lens, we tend to want to understand God and His Word so that we can believe.. But in the Middle Eastern lens, they believe God and His Word in order to understand. Completely opposite of how we in the west tend to approach things.

I've been trying to apply this to my time here in the desert. I tend to want my visits to the desert to be as brief as possible. "Okay, God. Just show me what it is you want me to learn and I promise I'll learn it real good." My mind wants to understand what is going on in order to believe that God is at work. I want to learn my lesson and be on the other side looking back already. In Biblical times, the people were in the desert a lot. Literally. That's where they lived. But the difference between them and me is that they looked for God while there. Actually sought Him out. Why? Because they knew He would show up! Every. Single. Time. The desert is where God gave His law to Moses. It's where He protected David and Elijah as they fled from those who wanted to kill them. It's where He gave John the Baptist the words concerning the Messiah in their midst who would take away the sins of the entire world. It's even where Satan tempted Jesus for forty days and nights. My Savior, who would one day conquer hell, be raised from the dead, and make a triumphant return to heaven spent His time in the desert being tested. Being tried. Declaring truths that He believed to His core about His Father. 

So I'm trying to be intentional about looking for God and how He's showing up. And He is showing up. I've had opportunities to help friends in ways I wouldn't have been able to if I were still watching kids full-time. Is He showing up in all the ways I am wanting Him to? No, not yet. But I know with every fiber of my being that He WILL show up! He will be faithful! He will come through! And one day, I'll look back from the other side and be in total awe of the ways He was working and how He provided. No, it's not pleasant. It's not my favorite by far. But I'm learning that if God saw Jesus worthy of spending time in the desert, then who am I to complain about my own time here?