A Strange Darkness
"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings." ~ Psalm 61:1-4
Several weeks ago, I wrote about being in a slump. I hadn't been to church in over a month and in other areas of my life, just felt this 'blah' going on that I couldn't figure out. I wondered if maybe it was some sort of pre-midlife crisis or something along those lines but now, weeks later, I think it may be something more.
It was just a little over a week ago that I admitted to a friend something I believed had been going on inside me for some time but was afraid to give voice to. I think I am going through, or suffering from, some sort of depression. Saying those words out loud and even admitting it to myself was incredibly scary and intimidating for me because my mom has had depression issues in her own life. I'm determined to live my life as differently from hers as possible and to think that we could have something like depression in common was enough to make me want to keep denying my thoughts and feelings forever. But I've realized that even if we do both suffer from depression, I am going to deal with it differently. I am making the choice to get to the bottom of this depression and deal with it in a healthy way for myself and others around me. My mom, I don't believe, has ever done that.
As I have admitted these thoughts and fears to a few friends this week, it has been somewhat freeing to finally get it all out of my head and off my heart. I have gotten wonderful encouragement and support from these friends and that has helped me to know I will not have to face this battle alone. Now I am facing the next step, which is talking to someone who can help me through this strange darkness that I can't even describe. I honestly don't know how to explain it. I feel an overwhelming sadness a lot and I often feel like crying but can't put my finger on what it is, exactly, that I want to cry about. Talking and spending time with friends and family now seems forced and the conversation and laughter doesn't come as easily as it once did. Basically, I feel like I get up each day and go through all the motions but my heart isn't really in it.
I'm hoping this blog will be a place to come and write about this journey as it plays itself out. Even writing this first blog about it has been helpful - I've known for a few days that I needed to write it out, but when I can't even find the words in my head, it's harder to find words to put on paper. I have worked with counselors in the past as I've dealt with the abuse in my past, and because of that, I know what a difficult road this will be. I am asking that those of you out there who read this blog will be lifting me up in prayer as I walk through this darkness to the light that I know is on the other side. Pray that I will have the courage to find help, the strength to be real about what's going on inside, and the endurance to keep going when the road gets hard.
Several weeks ago, I wrote about being in a slump. I hadn't been to church in over a month and in other areas of my life, just felt this 'blah' going on that I couldn't figure out. I wondered if maybe it was some sort of pre-midlife crisis or something along those lines but now, weeks later, I think it may be something more.
It was just a little over a week ago that I admitted to a friend something I believed had been going on inside me for some time but was afraid to give voice to. I think I am going through, or suffering from, some sort of depression. Saying those words out loud and even admitting it to myself was incredibly scary and intimidating for me because my mom has had depression issues in her own life. I'm determined to live my life as differently from hers as possible and to think that we could have something like depression in common was enough to make me want to keep denying my thoughts and feelings forever. But I've realized that even if we do both suffer from depression, I am going to deal with it differently. I am making the choice to get to the bottom of this depression and deal with it in a healthy way for myself and others around me. My mom, I don't believe, has ever done that.
As I have admitted these thoughts and fears to a few friends this week, it has been somewhat freeing to finally get it all out of my head and off my heart. I have gotten wonderful encouragement and support from these friends and that has helped me to know I will not have to face this battle alone. Now I am facing the next step, which is talking to someone who can help me through this strange darkness that I can't even describe. I honestly don't know how to explain it. I feel an overwhelming sadness a lot and I often feel like crying but can't put my finger on what it is, exactly, that I want to cry about. Talking and spending time with friends and family now seems forced and the conversation and laughter doesn't come as easily as it once did. Basically, I feel like I get up each day and go through all the motions but my heart isn't really in it.
I'm hoping this blog will be a place to come and write about this journey as it plays itself out. Even writing this first blog about it has been helpful - I've known for a few days that I needed to write it out, but when I can't even find the words in my head, it's harder to find words to put on paper. I have worked with counselors in the past as I've dealt with the abuse in my past, and because of that, I know what a difficult road this will be. I am asking that those of you out there who read this blog will be lifting me up in prayer as I walk through this darkness to the light that I know is on the other side. Pray that I will have the courage to find help, the strength to be real about what's going on inside, and the endurance to keep going when the road gets hard.
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