Mean Girl
This is actually a blog I've wanted to write for awhile now but never got around to it. Through recent conversations with a friend and a Bible study I'm doing with another friend, some things have come to the surface and I've decided now is as good a time to do it as any. It's not an easy thing to put out there, it's about a part of my life that I am ashamed of and would give anything to go back and redo but since I can't, I will spill my guts about it instead!
In high school, I was a mean girl. Mean is probably putting it lightly - I was a bully. When I admit that to friends now, they have a hard time believing it but it really is true. Ask any of the 17 classmates I graduated with, as well as under classmen below us and I'm sure most, if not all of them have their own stories to tell of things I said and/or things I did to them. There were a few in particular that I was especially mean to and focused most of my bullying behavior towards. I would talk about them behind their backs and then be as nice as can be to their face; I would take their personal items from them and hide them; I would make sarcastic and rude comments to their faces; I was just flat out mean. I never felt bad about what I was doing or the things I was saying and if I could even bring one of my victims to tears, that was all the better.
There is no excuse for why I behaved the way I did, nothing can justify my cruelty to those I hurt. The only explanation that I can offer is something I've learned over this last decade as I became a Christian and allowed Christ to change my life. While in high school, there were a lot of things going on in my personal life and at home that I had absolutely no control over. My older brother moved away after our freshman year because of some inappropriate things he was doing; the summer before my junior year, my dad and step-mom got divorced and I went through a time of not getting along with either of them; my mom was pressuring me to go to college in Arizona where she lived and I was torn between wanting to live closer to her and not wanting to move away from my dad and the only life I had ever known in Wyoming; and I was dealing with a lot of anger and confusion stemming from the sexual abuse I endured as a child. All these circumstances and situations left me feeling helpless and looking for some way to gain a sense of control amongst the turmoil that was my life. Bullying others was how I found that control. I didn't have say over what was happening in my home or personal life, but I could say and do whatever I wanted and control the emotional reactions I got from my peers. I could watch them break down in tears or see the hurt on their face and in their eyes and know that I had caused that. It was my doing. Finally, I had a say in something and I felt a sense of control.
With all that said, I want to say I am sorry to all those I hurt with my actions and my words. I am truly sorry and would go back in time to take those things back in an instant if I could. Since that is not possible, all I can do is apologize and ask for your forgiveness.
Last month was my 10 year class reunion in Dubois and I didn't attend. I was in Dallas that weekend, but even if I had been home, I still wouldn't have gone. My classmates remember me as the bully and I couldn't go and look them in the eye after the way I had treated them all those years ago. The same insecurity that helped lead to my being a bully is the same insecurity I have now, a decade later, that keeps me from wanting to look those peers in the eye. So for now, please accept this apology and know how deeply sorry I really am.
In high school, I was a mean girl. Mean is probably putting it lightly - I was a bully. When I admit that to friends now, they have a hard time believing it but it really is true. Ask any of the 17 classmates I graduated with, as well as under classmen below us and I'm sure most, if not all of them have their own stories to tell of things I said and/or things I did to them. There were a few in particular that I was especially mean to and focused most of my bullying behavior towards. I would talk about them behind their backs and then be as nice as can be to their face; I would take their personal items from them and hide them; I would make sarcastic and rude comments to their faces; I was just flat out mean. I never felt bad about what I was doing or the things I was saying and if I could even bring one of my victims to tears, that was all the better.
There is no excuse for why I behaved the way I did, nothing can justify my cruelty to those I hurt. The only explanation that I can offer is something I've learned over this last decade as I became a Christian and allowed Christ to change my life. While in high school, there were a lot of things going on in my personal life and at home that I had absolutely no control over. My older brother moved away after our freshman year because of some inappropriate things he was doing; the summer before my junior year, my dad and step-mom got divorced and I went through a time of not getting along with either of them; my mom was pressuring me to go to college in Arizona where she lived and I was torn between wanting to live closer to her and not wanting to move away from my dad and the only life I had ever known in Wyoming; and I was dealing with a lot of anger and confusion stemming from the sexual abuse I endured as a child. All these circumstances and situations left me feeling helpless and looking for some way to gain a sense of control amongst the turmoil that was my life. Bullying others was how I found that control. I didn't have say over what was happening in my home or personal life, but I could say and do whatever I wanted and control the emotional reactions I got from my peers. I could watch them break down in tears or see the hurt on their face and in their eyes and know that I had caused that. It was my doing. Finally, I had a say in something and I felt a sense of control.
With all that said, I want to say I am sorry to all those I hurt with my actions and my words. I am truly sorry and would go back in time to take those things back in an instant if I could. Since that is not possible, all I can do is apologize and ask for your forgiveness.
Last month was my 10 year class reunion in Dubois and I didn't attend. I was in Dallas that weekend, but even if I had been home, I still wouldn't have gone. My classmates remember me as the bully and I couldn't go and look them in the eye after the way I had treated them all those years ago. The same insecurity that helped lead to my being a bully is the same insecurity I have now, a decade later, that keeps me from wanting to look those peers in the eye. So for now, please accept this apology and know how deeply sorry I really am.
Angie I didn;t know you well in HS, and I don;t know if I was ever one of the "those ones". But when you and Bridget came out when she was pregnant with Connor I def saw a different side of you than I did at school.
ReplyDeleteI hope you come up to the All class re-union next year. People do change and good people change for the better.
Prove to everyone who you are now. I know many people I didn't like in HS and I still don't becuase they haven't changed. My first opinions will always be there about people but that does not mean I have closed to option to change my opinion.
If people can't see you are different know they are the ones that need to take a second look.
Thanks Kriz...are you sure you need a new heart? The one you have now is pretty amazing!!
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