Fractured Family

Today has been a hard day filled with sadness and memories from the past that involve my family. My dad's side of the family used to be so close while I was growing up but after I told about my abuse, it was like those relationships shattered into a million pieces and scattered in a million different directions. I still remember how hurt and confused I was by it all as a little girl, and unfortunately, those hurts are still part of my life right now, triggered by the stupidest little things. Anyway, here are a couple of poems that I wrote about my family and the hurt I feel.

Untitled


I’m screaming out loud, trying somehow to find
A voice for the thoughts that are filling my mind.
I want you to hear what I’m trying to say,
To see that it’s his crime for which I still pay.
He committed the sin and he has hurt us all
So why is it me that’s taken the fall?
You want to pretend that this isn’t real,
While I’m doing my best to just simply heal.
You’ve chosen to stay silent and speak hurtful lies,
And deafen your ears to my deep, painful cries.
I’ve tried so hard to heal the hurts and mend all the pain
But my sincere, heartfelt efforts have all been in vain.
I wish I knew why it’s so hard to just let you go,
The answer is simple: I still love you so.



Do you remember…

That little girl who used to come to your house to play?
The little girl who loved to run errands with you and go shopping with you?
The little girl who would walk up to your house on those hot summer nights,
just to see you and be with you?
The little girl who went on a field trip in second grade and broke out in
hives and came to your house so you could watch her?
The little girl who would sit on your lap while you did word search puzzles,
wanting to circle the few words she was able to find all by herself?
The little girl who used to play outside for hours in the summer?
The little girl who would come and play with your kids for hours at a time
and cry when she had to leave?
The little girl who got in trouble one Sunday morning during the sermon at
church for playing My Little Ponies with your daughter?
The little girl who would spend hours helping and watching you cook and
bake?
The little girl who told you that macaroni and cheese that came from a box
was much better than homemade and so much easier to make?
The little girl who used to dress up in such pretty little dresses for
church every Sunday?
The little girl who would try on your jewelry and sometimes wear it to
school without your permission?
The little girl who loved to sit down and have you read her stories even
though she was old enough to read them by herself?
I know you remember…
The little girl who told the horrible secret.
The little girl who made the family fall apart.
The little girl who told such lies.
The little girl that was willing to do anything for attention.
The little girl who changed your life forever.
Please remember…
I am still that little girl
The one who you loved
Who you were proud of
Who you loved to take places
Who could make you smile
Who used to love you so much
Who still loves you so much
Who only wants you to love her again.

(both poems written in 2001)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sufficient Grace Among Thorns

It happened again last night. I was scrolling through social media and learned an acquaintance had gotten married. I was happy for her, I really was. Many of her peers had been married for years and I imagined there was great joy for her as God finally brought her husband along. But almost instantly, that joy turned to sadness and a heaviness filled my heart. An all too familiar heaviness. One I've felt off and on for years, one that brings tears to my eyes, and one that, if I'm not careful, can turn into incredible bitterness. I've often thought that, besides Jesus, one of the people I am looking forward to meeting in heaven is Paul. I want to talk to him about that thorn in his side because, boy, do I have some questions! Did he experience times when that thorn seemed almost non-existent, more like a splinter in his side and just a mild annoyance? And on the flip side, were there times that little thorn seemed to be so infected and raw that it left a trail of blood with e
Read more

100 Things I'm Thankful For

After being inspired by a friend's list, I've been writing out a list of 100 things I'm thankful for every year for almost fifteen years now! This year though, if I'm honest, I've been tempted to just skip it. I've been walking through several weeks of fighting off depression and telling Satan through gritted teeth, almost daily, that he's not going to win. So this year, I wanted to just write a simple 'I am thankful for my many blessings' and be done with it. Sitting and writing out 100 things can be pretty tedious, especially when you get into the 60s and start to lost steam! But to sit and think about 100 things I am thankful for requires a bit of reflection, honesty, and a whole lot of intentionality, which is never a bad thing So, in no particular order, here we go... 1. The hope and joy I have that comes from a relationship with my Jesus. The longer I live and the more people I meet and interact with, the more aware I am that true joy can only
Read more

April Thoughts *Trigger Warning*

April is probably one of my favorite months of the year. Not only is it my birthday month (and that of some of the coolest people ever!) but after a long, cold, and gray winter, green grass starts to grow and the earth just smells new, fresh, and ready to come alive. Kids at school finally get the chance to play outside without their coats and the warm sun both brings out an orneriness and an exuberance for life that is unmatched during the winter months. Evenings are perfect for sitting in the sun with a good book and a whispering breeze to help sort through the events of the day as the sun heads off to bed and the moon prepares for the night shift. There's just something about the month of April! April is also Sexual Assault Awareness Month and my social media comes alive with reminders that rapists are the sole cause of rape, that chains are broken every time a survivor tells their story, and that there is so much hope and healing available for those who have been wounded by sex
Read more