What Hurts the Most

The end of October will mark 20 years since I told my dad about the sexual abuse I had endured at the hands of my grandfather, beginning when I was a very little girl. It's hard for me to believe that it's really been that long...20 years can seem like an eternity! One might think that in a span of 20 years, a person who had experienced such abuse would be able to have moved on. I wish that were true for me, and for all survivors, but I honestly believe that healing is a life-long process. Sure, there are some aspects and issues of the abuse that I have made peace with, moved on, and never looked back. Issues like anger and unforgiveness were resolved years ago, and I say that with total joy and peace in my heart because there has been such freedom in letting those bitter feelings and thoughts go. But I do still struggle with other issues. Not all the time, or even most of the time, but there are days when issues like body image, shame, or intimacy issues pop up and must be dealt with.

One issue that lingers with me the most is insecurity. I am one of the most insecure, needy people that I have ever met. I often ask one of my friends how she can stand dealing with me and my issues when I myself get tired of it so easily! It can be so exhausting. Along with that insecurity comes the whole issue of hating to get silence in return when I've asked for support. I've talked with a friend of mine who is also an abuse survivor and she agrees that silence is one of the most hurtful things you can give to a person who has been abused.

A trip back to my college days will help to explain what I mean by that. When I was in college, there was a week in April that was deemed Sexual Assault Awareness Week and I was very involved in different activities. I spoke on panels, gave interviews to the local newspaper, talked to criminal violence classes, talked at training seminars for those who would help abuse victims, and other activities. All of my friends were aware of this and were very supportive in coming to the panel discussions or celebrating with me after speaking in front of a class about my experience. All but one. I had a guy friend that never said one single word about any of the activities I was involved in or the fact that I was an abuse survivor. Not one thing. I don't know if it was because he was uncomfortable with the subject or didn't know what to say or what. But his silence always bothered me.

When I confide in someone that I have been abused and they respond with silence, it will eat at me for days. Why? As a sexual abuse survivor, I am already dealing with issues of shame and feeling as though there is something wrong with me and that I somehow caused the abuse. So, when I get silence as a response, it only feeds those negative thoughts in my head. I am constantly wondering if they think differently of me, if they blame me, if they find me disgusting and no longer want to associate with me, if their feelings about me have changed, etc.

One area of my life where this issue of silence bothers me the most is with my family. When I was growing up, my extended family was very close and we all spent a lot of time together. After I told about the abuse, all that changed...literally over night. All of a sudden, family members acted differently around me, whether it was intentional on their part or not. Some would hardly talk to me, some acted like they were walking on eggshells around me, and some flat out didn't say anything at all. Silence. I have an aunt who, unfortunately, has said some extremely hurtful things to me about the abuse. Besides telling me I was a very angry and hateful person, she also told me once that my grandfather never would have abused her kids, insinuating that it was something about me that caused him to abuse me. As much as those things hurt, I would much rather hear them than to hear silence. At least with what she said, I know how my aunt feels about me and the situation...that is very clear. But with silence, I never know what the other person is thinking and that is hard.

Why blog about this now? Because it's an issue that I am currently dealing with and man, does it hurt. Knowing that there are family members who haven't talked to me in years, and I've lost all connection with,
are still in contact with other family members hurts me tremendously. They call to let one another know they will be driving through town and ask if they'd like to get together and things like that. A different aunt than the one mentioned above sends Christmas cards to my dad and to my older brother and his family every year but I haven't heard from her in years.It's like I've been completely dropped out of the loop.
To sum it up, this is a poem I wrote years ago about my family members and the sexual abuse.

I don’t know how to describe it, this feeling deep inside,

So I come to you, dear Lord, knowing in you I can confide.

Why do I hurt still hurt so much after all these years?

Why is the pain so deep, I still cry so many tears?

I thought I had overcome it all, I though it was in the past,

I just don’t understand this pain that seems to last.

So much seems to have been in vain, so many efforts lost,

For what I often wonder as I sit and think about the cost.

The cost I’ve had to pay, God, it really is too high,

And I wish I could understand the simple reason why.

They say it was his sin, it was him who did the crime,

So why am I still paying, even after all this time?