Worth More Than Bones
Some heavy thoughts and painful realizations have got me to the place of writing this blog. It started with a post on FB about some friendships followed by a talk on the phone with a good friend and sister in Christ. She told me something that has stuck with me for days, something I have struggled with in most of my 33 years and probably will continue to struggle with for the next 33...
"You are worth more than bones."
This came from a conversation about a friendship I'm struggling with. This friend and I seem to have drifted apart over the past few years and while that breaks my heart, I realize friends come into our lives for different season and reasons. My season with this friend is coming to an end and I am beyond thankful for the years we were close as she was such a blessing and inspiration in my life.
I've always had a low self-esteem. Always. I think it comes from the abuse I endured as a child as well as growing up without a mom around. I've never thought I deserved much of anything and that the only person looking out for me was me. Even after I became a Christian, I struggled with believing God's love was as unconditional as He said it was and that I couldn't do anything to make Him love me any more or any less. When I lost my job at Trinity and was praying about a new job, my Sunday School teacher reminded me of the verse that tells us to go boldly before the throne of Christ with our requests. I had always thought I was blessed to get whatever good things God gave me, I didn't deserve to ask for anything more or anything specific. To pray for something specific that I wanted never occurred to me.
So where does the comment about bones come into all of this? When I called my friend to talk to her about this other friendship, I mentioned how it seemed that in the last few years, all the effort in the friendship was coming from me. If we talked on the phone, if we went to lunch, if we did anything at all, it was initiated by me. Part of me wondered if the friendship was coming to an end but a bigger part of me wasn't ready to let it go. I needed her friendship and if I had to make all the effort, so be it. In our conversation, I also mentioned that I was so desperate for this friendship that I was willing to take whatever bones she threw out to me. I lived for whatever attention or reciprocation she gave me, no matter how small. That was the first time I had ever said those words out loud and boy, did I feel like a pathetic loser.
My friend was quiet for a second and then she said, "You are so precious to God and you are worth more than bones." Boy did that hit me hard and really made me think. I am worth a friendship that is equal in its give and take? Really? Yes. I am. I was created in the image of God and I am the daughter of the King. I am worth more than bones.
"You are worth more than bones."
This came from a conversation about a friendship I'm struggling with. This friend and I seem to have drifted apart over the past few years and while that breaks my heart, I realize friends come into our lives for different season and reasons. My season with this friend is coming to an end and I am beyond thankful for the years we were close as she was such a blessing and inspiration in my life.
I've always had a low self-esteem. Always. I think it comes from the abuse I endured as a child as well as growing up without a mom around. I've never thought I deserved much of anything and that the only person looking out for me was me. Even after I became a Christian, I struggled with believing God's love was as unconditional as He said it was and that I couldn't do anything to make Him love me any more or any less. When I lost my job at Trinity and was praying about a new job, my Sunday School teacher reminded me of the verse that tells us to go boldly before the throne of Christ with our requests. I had always thought I was blessed to get whatever good things God gave me, I didn't deserve to ask for anything more or anything specific. To pray for something specific that I wanted never occurred to me.
So where does the comment about bones come into all of this? When I called my friend to talk to her about this other friendship, I mentioned how it seemed that in the last few years, all the effort in the friendship was coming from me. If we talked on the phone, if we went to lunch, if we did anything at all, it was initiated by me. Part of me wondered if the friendship was coming to an end but a bigger part of me wasn't ready to let it go. I needed her friendship and if I had to make all the effort, so be it. In our conversation, I also mentioned that I was so desperate for this friendship that I was willing to take whatever bones she threw out to me. I lived for whatever attention or reciprocation she gave me, no matter how small. That was the first time I had ever said those words out loud and boy, did I feel like a pathetic loser.
My friend was quiet for a second and then she said, "You are so precious to God and you are worth more than bones." Boy did that hit me hard and really made me think. I am worth a friendship that is equal in its give and take? Really? Yes. I am. I was created in the image of God and I am the daughter of the King. I am worth more than bones.
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