He Loves Us Best - A Tribute

I'm spending the final hours of 2014 with a heavy heart and tears rolling down my cheeks. It's hard to look back at this past year in it's entirety when the past few days have been full of hard and painful stuff. Many deaths have hit our community in recent days, some people I've know and others I haven't, and hearts are weary. A woman I've never met but is part of the Scentsy community lost her precious baby boy days after he was born prematurely. A well-known man from my hometown lost his wife after many years of illness. A friend from Trinity said good-bye to her mom on Christmas Eve and although her mom had lived a long and fruitful life, my friend is still heartbroken. The death that has hit me more than the others, though, is that of my dear friend Linda Howerton.

Linda was diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer a year and a half ago and when she came home to live out her final days, I wrote this blog wondering how in the world I would ever say good-bye to her. Although Linda and I were close several years ago, when we both attended the same church, I would only see her occasionally around town in recent years. Since finding out she had cancer, I began to visit her and was in touch with her regularly. It breaks my heart that it took something as serious as cancer for me to get back in touch with her, and it has made me more mindful of always letting people know how much I love them. The thing is, even though Linda and I rarely saw each other, I knew she was always there. If I had needed her at any time, for anything, I knew she would do whatever she could to help out. She was just that kind of person.

I visited her many times in between bouts of chemo and surgery and then often once she came home for good. My last visits with her were always full of joy and laughter and at times, heavy subjects and tears. She said the steroids she was taking made her very talkative, and she apologized for that more than once, but I was happy to let her talk as long as she wanted. I shared stories and pictures of Ryan and we talked about heaven and she even got me to eat my first date (which, for the record, was completely NASTY!). On one visit, she was showing me the box a friend had built and I smile now at the fact that I didn't realize it was the box to hold her and her husband's ashes until she told me with a look of amusement on her face. Oh how I loved her heart. She talked a lot about her kids and about her husband, her love for them was always so obvious. She told me she wasn't afraid of death, she was just sad for what she would be leaving behind and the things she would miss out on. Her faith never waivered, she knew Whose child she was and where she was headed after she drew her last breath. She was, quite simply, amazing and she fought her cancer with courage and more grace than I had even known possible.

The evening she texted to tell me she was home and beginning hospice care, I cried in disbelief and anger. I texted her back to tell her I loved her and that I was wrestling with God over her news and her response will always be with me, "He loves us best." I struggle with that at times - how could His best be taking hers from us? But I trust Him. I trust Him because I have no other choice and in the end, I know I will see her again.

Rest in peace, my sweet friend, the world will never be the same without your presence. You were loved beyond words and will always be in our hearts. In the words of Steven Curtis Chapman,

We never knew how much our hearts could hurt until we lost you
I know we didn’t really lose you
That’s just how it feels down here
Right now it seems we’ll never understand God’s higher ways
But we are trusting Him until the day we do
And He will carry us just like He carries you
So (Linda), we’ll see you soon