;50.20


"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." ~ Genesis 50:20

All of my tattoos have special meanings to me. My first tattoo was the word 'shadows' from a the lyrics of a song I heard only one time - "Shadows prove the sunshine." My second tattoo were the words spoken a few years ago by a dear sister in Christ as she live out her final days with cancer - "He loves us best." This week I got my third, ;50.20, and it holds more meaning than the others.

In recent days God has given me the opportunity to really share my heart with a sister in Christ from my church and in return, she has shared hers with me. In sharing the struggles she has faced walking her own faith journey, she has opened my eyes to an issue I didn't realize I still struggle with regarding the traumas in my childhood - my thought process. The negative thoughts resulting from the abuse at the hands of my grandfather and my mom leaving all those years ago still dictate so much of my thought process today.

Thoughts of believing I am broken, damaged, unworthy, unlovable, ugly, stupid, and that the world would be a better place without me plague my thoughts more often than not. In my darkest hours, these thoughts, and others, plunge me into a pit of despair and loneliness that is beyond description. But you know what? I am done letting Satan have that power over me. I'm ready to believe the things about me that GOD speaks over me in His Word!

Some of you may know the semicolon movement relating to suicide - the semicolon continues a sentence rather than ending one like an abrupt period. Therefore, each human being is the author that chooses to keep the sentence (life) going on. I had heard of that before but when recently watching a documentary on teen girls who had been sexually assaulted, they described it in terms of the assault (abuse) not being the end of their story, that they will continue on. The Genesis verse at the top of the page has always been my mantra and I loved the idea of intertwining it with the semicolon. The location even has a meaning - the inside of my left wrist is filled with scars from where I cut in the past when the darkness became too much.

I'm ready to begin a new chapter in my life...one where God's voice is louder than any other. The dear sister in Christ I mentioned has resolved to walk alongside me in this journey and keeps assuring me that although it may get harder before it gets easier, there is so much joy and peace on the other side. I'm ready to experience that joy and peace!



Comments

  1. UnknownApril 19, 2017 at 7:09 PM

    You are such a strong testament to those around you! I am so happy you have seen this part of you and you will not let it define you. Change is long and hard but you can make it through especially with God on your side.

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  2. UnknownApril 30, 2017 at 9:42 PM

    Ang, Genesis 50:20 is a very good reminder of God's love and grace he has poured out on us. We don't know all of God's perfect plan for us, but even though we may not understand it, we have to believe all that happens has a purpose in out life. Either we let God win or we allow satan to defeat us. Our message in church today was where do we put God in our priority. The answer is we need to put God/Jesus above all others. If we do that, our relationship with others will be fine. Philippians 1:21 was the primary verse. When we allow events in our life to interfere with our relationship with Christ, we have lost. It is not easy, but we have to make that the desire of our heart. So, bottom line, yes we can drug down with life but remember what our savior did for us. Use your relationship with this friend to encourage, but also look at life through the lens of Jesus Christ in all you do. Love ya, Al.

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