So Mad!

I was mad at you yesterday. I'm still mad today. It's amazing to me that I can go days and weeks without even thinking about you and then BAM! Something happens like it did yesterday and I find myself furious at you and all you took from me. Do you know I can't even go to a simple doctor's appointment without thinking about what you did to me? The doctor can't even suggest an exam without my body filling with fear, dread, and shame. You took that from me. Your touch didn't leave physical scars but man, they sure left emotional ones that still affect me to the core of my being today. Did you know that? Did you even think about that all those years ago when you came to me for the first time with those thoughts in your head?? Did you?

It's not just you I get angry at. I'm angry with myself. I'm mad that this still affects me the way it does. I'm 36 years old today and the abuse ended more than 25 years ago but it still gets to me. Do you know how that makes me feel? Like a loser. A weak and pathetic loser who can't move on. I hate that my eyes welled up with tears and I wanted to bawl right there in the doctor's office because of what should be as simple, non horrifying discussion about my health. I hate that your actions still have this affect on me. I want to be normal. I don't want to be afraid or ashamed of the things you did to my body. I have made such peace with the things you did, and found so much freedom. But this area will always have a hold on me because it has to do with my health. MY HEALTH. I can't avoid, I can't run from it And I hate that. I hate that you took that from me. I hate it.




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