My Normal is Different
"Your story could be the key that unlocks someone else's prison. Don't be afraid to share it." ~ Tobymac
This quote speaks to the very core of my soul and it is the true cry of my heart. Why else must we endure such incredibly painful hardships this side of heaven? If we don't share our experiences with others, we are not only hurting those who could be helped or encouraged by them, but we are also failing to heed God's command to bear one another's burdens. You may never know someone is struggling with something unless you tell your story first and in doing so, your act of courage frees them from the chains that have been holding them captive. This quote is exactly why I keep writing my blog and sharing my story. If it helps just one person, it will have all been worth it.
In the last month or so, I have found my own experiences with abuse in the forefront of my mind. Usually when this happens, I find that God is bringing up a particular issue that needs to be dealt with and worked through. If I'm honest with myself as the feelings and memories come, that particular issue usually isn't too hard to find. This time, however, I have not been able to pinpoint exactly what it is I'm supposed to be working through. There have been lots and lots of tears and just a deep sadness. When I was in college and first starting on this journey of healing, I would get so frustrated with myself because I couldn't cry about what happened to me. I could listen to others tell their stories and weep for what they endured, but when talking about my own situation, the tears never came. My counselor told me that when I was ready to cry, I would. All I can't think is that now, 26 years after the abuse stopped and 18 years after working with that counselor, I am finally ready to cry about what happened to me.
I have always been a huge fan of Law & Order SVU and especially the character detective Olivia Benson. It's encouraging to watch a show, albeit fiction, where survivors of abuse and other horrific sex crimes are vindicated and get justice. Lately when I am feeling sad, I find myself watching reruns of the show just for those glimpses of compassion, sympathy, and support that Olivia gives the survivors. Those kind words, those pats on the back or squeezes of the shoulder, those hugs...as crazy as this sounds, I imagine those words and gestures being given to myself and I find great comfort in them.
I've also found myself longing for my college years, and the first few years after college, when I ran an online support group for survivors of sexual abuse. Having a group of women, and a few men, to support and encourage one another was such a huge blessing. No one understands all the ways being sexually abused affects you like others who have lived through it themselves. With all the sexual assaults in the headlines lately, it would be nice to have this group of people to go to when I'm frustrated by all the insensitive comments I read that break my heart and rip scabs off old wounds because, man, people are brutal. The rude and insensitive comments they make are why survivors often stay silent.
While talking recently with a good friend who is a survivor herself, she shared with me something a counselor told her many years that really resonated with me. As a survivor of abuse, my normal is different than anyone else's. I often wonder if I am crazy with the things that go through my mind that I know are a result of the abuse and hearing someone else explain it as my sense of normal being different than others brought me such validation and relief. My experience of the world is slightly off kilter compared to others who have never been abused and you know what? I'm learning to accept that that is okay.
In the last month or so, I have found my own experiences with abuse in the forefront of my mind. Usually when this happens, I find that God is bringing up a particular issue that needs to be dealt with and worked through. If I'm honest with myself as the feelings and memories come, that particular issue usually isn't too hard to find. This time, however, I have not been able to pinpoint exactly what it is I'm supposed to be working through. There have been lots and lots of tears and just a deep sadness. When I was in college and first starting on this journey of healing, I would get so frustrated with myself because I couldn't cry about what happened to me. I could listen to others tell their stories and weep for what they endured, but when talking about my own situation, the tears never came. My counselor told me that when I was ready to cry, I would. All I can't think is that now, 26 years after the abuse stopped and 18 years after working with that counselor, I am finally ready to cry about what happened to me.
I have always been a huge fan of Law & Order SVU and especially the character detective Olivia Benson. It's encouraging to watch a show, albeit fiction, where survivors of abuse and other horrific sex crimes are vindicated and get justice. Lately when I am feeling sad, I find myself watching reruns of the show just for those glimpses of compassion, sympathy, and support that Olivia gives the survivors. Those kind words, those pats on the back or squeezes of the shoulder, those hugs...as crazy as this sounds, I imagine those words and gestures being given to myself and I find great comfort in them.
I've also found myself longing for my college years, and the first few years after college, when I ran an online support group for survivors of sexual abuse. Having a group of women, and a few men, to support and encourage one another was such a huge blessing. No one understands all the ways being sexually abused affects you like others who have lived through it themselves. With all the sexual assaults in the headlines lately, it would be nice to have this group of people to go to when I'm frustrated by all the insensitive comments I read that break my heart and rip scabs off old wounds because, man, people are brutal. The rude and insensitive comments they make are why survivors often stay silent.
While talking recently with a good friend who is a survivor herself, she shared with me something a counselor told her many years that really resonated with me. As a survivor of abuse, my normal is different than anyone else's. I often wonder if I am crazy with the things that go through my mind that I know are a result of the abuse and hearing someone else explain it as my sense of normal being different than others brought me such validation and relief. My experience of the world is slightly off kilter compared to others who have never been abused and you know what? I'm learning to accept that that is okay.
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