A Visit to the Past - Part 2
This is one of those blogs about a subject I can't make sense of in my head, so I'm hoping that writing it out will bring some clarity. It touches on one of the most painful parts of my life and one I can rarely think about, let alone voice out loud, without breaking down in tears. Please bare with me as this could get 'wordy'.
I recently blogged about going through old prayer journals from my time in college, and how they dealt with everything from my walk as a new Christian to mission trips to starting counseling for the abuse in my childhood to praying for future husband. That's right...a husband.
When I was in college, I was always asked two questions: "What are you studying? and Do you have a boyfriend?" - not necessarily in that order :-) It used to drive me bananas! Over the years I've come to realize those questions are the norm for our culture concerning people of college age. Getting a job and getting married are the next big life moves after graduating high school and/or college, right? When I was in college, I got swept up in that way of thinking and I do believe that at the time, getting married was a desire of my heart. Believe me, with the scars from my childhood, the thought of marriage and intimacy scared the bejeebies out of me (and still does!) but I trusted that when God brought the right man along, it would all work out.
As the years went by, however, and God never brought the right man into my life, I began to wonder. People in my life told me I needed to move to a bigger town or city because there would be more options but I always laughed at that notion - ever heard of Isaac and Rebecca?? If God could cross their paths at a well in the middle of the desert, surely Riverton wasn't too hard for Him! As more and more people began to tell me that moving was probably my best bet, I began thinking I had to move on to something bigger and better. Riverton just wasn't cutting it. But you know what I realized? That was the pressures of people I was letting get me down, not God. Once I trusted that God had me where HE wanted me to be and HE would move me if and when HE wanted, I had a peace that quieted that voice of discontentment in my soul.
All that is to say I do believe God's plan for me (for now) is singleness and I'm okay with that. Sure, sometimes I wish I had a husband to take out the trash or make dinner but living the single life has many perks. I always get to watch what I want on tv, I can use all the hot water in the shower that I want, I can let Ella hog as much of the bed at night as she wants to, and I get to be very selfish about choices that married people can't! It really is a great life :-)
However, being convinced of this being God's will for my life right now doesn't stop Satan from attacking. Hard. I recently did a Bible study on the Armor of God and the author talked about how Satan is pretty crafty - he finds our weak and vulnerable spots and that's where he attacks. He knows those areas that are a sure way to wreak havoc in our lives and so he attacks them time and time again. When I read this in the study, it was definitely an 'aha' moment for me even though I should know after almost 20 years of being a Christian that Satan is pretty good at what he does!
This is one area of my life he attacks constantly. Here are some of the things he whispers to this vulnerable area of my life...
- I am not worthy of being loved and the things that happened when I was a child have left me damaged beyond repair. How could I ever expect a husband to deal with all my baggage?
- I am unattractive. It's not like I have men pounding down my door and I have to tell them, "Sorry guys, God's calling me to be single." I have not had a guy interested in me since I was in college. Satan taunts this one often.
- How can I expect anyone to love me and commit to being with me forever when my own mom didn't love me enough to stay and various friends have just walked away?
- I don't deserve to have anyone stand up for me and defend me against those that seek to hurt me. For as long as I can remember, I have felt very vulnerable and unprotected in this world and Satan likes to make me think I always will be.
- I can get very jealous when young women I know get married. Satan says, "They're not as messed up as you. Men don't want to marry crazy."
Pretty heavy thoughts, yes. So what's next? I am going to try my hardest to combat these lies with truths from God's word. If you read this and think to pray for me from time to time as I fight this battle, I would greatly appreciate it.
I recently blogged about going through old prayer journals from my time in college, and how they dealt with everything from my walk as a new Christian to mission trips to starting counseling for the abuse in my childhood to praying for future husband. That's right...a husband.
When I was in college, I was always asked two questions: "What are you studying? and Do you have a boyfriend?" - not necessarily in that order :-) It used to drive me bananas! Over the years I've come to realize those questions are the norm for our culture concerning people of college age. Getting a job and getting married are the next big life moves after graduating high school and/or college, right? When I was in college, I got swept up in that way of thinking and I do believe that at the time, getting married was a desire of my heart. Believe me, with the scars from my childhood, the thought of marriage and intimacy scared the bejeebies out of me (and still does!) but I trusted that when God brought the right man along, it would all work out.
As the years went by, however, and God never brought the right man into my life, I began to wonder. People in my life told me I needed to move to a bigger town or city because there would be more options but I always laughed at that notion - ever heard of Isaac and Rebecca?? If God could cross their paths at a well in the middle of the desert, surely Riverton wasn't too hard for Him! As more and more people began to tell me that moving was probably my best bet, I began thinking I had to move on to something bigger and better. Riverton just wasn't cutting it. But you know what I realized? That was the pressures of people I was letting get me down, not God. Once I trusted that God had me where HE wanted me to be and HE would move me if and when HE wanted, I had a peace that quieted that voice of discontentment in my soul.
All that is to say I do believe God's plan for me (for now) is singleness and I'm okay with that. Sure, sometimes I wish I had a husband to take out the trash or make dinner but living the single life has many perks. I always get to watch what I want on tv, I can use all the hot water in the shower that I want, I can let Ella hog as much of the bed at night as she wants to, and I get to be very selfish about choices that married people can't! It really is a great life :-)
However, being convinced of this being God's will for my life right now doesn't stop Satan from attacking. Hard. I recently did a Bible study on the Armor of God and the author talked about how Satan is pretty crafty - he finds our weak and vulnerable spots and that's where he attacks. He knows those areas that are a sure way to wreak havoc in our lives and so he attacks them time and time again. When I read this in the study, it was definitely an 'aha' moment for me even though I should know after almost 20 years of being a Christian that Satan is pretty good at what he does!
This is one area of my life he attacks constantly. Here are some of the things he whispers to this vulnerable area of my life...
- I am not worthy of being loved and the things that happened when I was a child have left me damaged beyond repair. How could I ever expect a husband to deal with all my baggage?
- I am unattractive. It's not like I have men pounding down my door and I have to tell them, "Sorry guys, God's calling me to be single." I have not had a guy interested in me since I was in college. Satan taunts this one often.
- How can I expect anyone to love me and commit to being with me forever when my own mom didn't love me enough to stay and various friends have just walked away?
- I don't deserve to have anyone stand up for me and defend me against those that seek to hurt me. For as long as I can remember, I have felt very vulnerable and unprotected in this world and Satan likes to make me think I always will be.
- I can get very jealous when young women I know get married. Satan says, "They're not as messed up as you. Men don't want to marry crazy."
Pretty heavy thoughts, yes. So what's next? I am going to try my hardest to combat these lies with truths from God's word. If you read this and think to pray for me from time to time as I fight this battle, I would greatly appreciate it.
Prayers friend. Love you much my forever friend
ReplyDelete