A Depressed Christian
A recent conversation with a friend has prompted a trip down memory lane...10 years ago to be exact. I was in my first year of teaching at Trinity Lutheran School after being an aide for three years and I LOVED it. I had a fantastic group of kids, supportive parents, and worked with staff that were practically family. I was making more money than I ever had before, I had friends, a quaint little house with a cute little puppy and life was good. At least from the outside. Inside, I was discouraged ALL the time. I was often on the verge of tears during the day with my students but hid them behind a smile until I was home alone in the evening. There was a heaviness sitting on my shoulders that I couldn't shake, no matter how hard I tried, and I was tired. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I remember laying in bed at night, sobbing, as I reasoned that this world would be better without me in it. I cut often as a way to deal with the pain. This morning in my Bible study, we read and talked about the verse in Genesis where God regrets creating man and decides to totally wipe them out by sending the flood and I kid you not, at that time in my life, I was sure that verse applied directly to my life. I was sure God was extremely disappointed in who I was and the work (or lack thereof) I was doing for His kingdom, I was miserable, plain and simple.
It took a lot of convincing from my grandma and a good friend but I finally relented and made an appointment with my doctor. This doctor was totally a blessing from God, hands down the best doctor I've ever known. She listened patiently as I showed her the list of things I'd been thinking/feeling, and then walked me through each one, asking all kinds of questions to try and understand what was really going on. At the end of the appointment, she sent me to have blood drawn on the off chance my thyroid was out of whack, but told me I likely had major depression and prescribed me medication. I can't tell you how much I bucked against that diagnosis. My mom had dealt with depression and I was determined to be nothing like her in the way I lived my life. But more than that, I was a Christian teaching at a Christian school. What were people going to think once they found out? Part of me feared my doctor would pull her daughter (who was in my class) right out and get her a different teacher. A better teacher. A sane teacher.
A lot has happened in that 10 years. I'm in a new house, have a different job, am a mama to my third dog, but I am still on medication. I still get discouraged and I still have dark days, but they are not nearly as dark as they once were. The length of those storms lasts is much shorter - often days and not weeks as they were before, and for that I am extremely grateful. Do I still have moments when I imagine the world would be better without me? I do. Am I still tempted to cut? I am. But again, those thoughts and feelings come less often. I am, without a doubt, an advocate for medication to treat depression and as long as that medication makes my life better, I always will be.
Why is it that Christians are so quick to dismiss mental health and medication? Did God create the entire human body? Every bone, muscle, and organ? He most certainly did and what's more? He called it good! God gifted men and women with the ability to diagnose and treat almost any disease or illness we've faced, and new medical advances are being made every day. Pancreas not producing enough insulin? Shots and pumps can help with that. An artery in the heart clogged and not allowing blood to flow through? Stents and balloons can clear that right up. Broken bone? Casts, screws and rods can allow even the most broken of people to function normally again. So why is it we see the human brain as less than every other organ? Illnesses that occur there - depression, bipolar, OCD - can also be treated with medication and therapy, making life worth living for people who had all but given up hope that life could be good again.
The proof is there, and still there are pastors and Christians who believe if we had just a little more faith, prayed a little harder, and/or spent more time in the Word, all would be well. Funny that you never hear those same Christians say, "Appendicitis?!? Have you been praying like you're supposed to?"A very hard lesson I've learned in the past 10 years is which Christian friends I can share my depression struggles with and which ones I can't because, whether they say it out loud or it is just implied, I should just look to God more and all my problems would disappear. That can make this road a very lonely one to walk at times and I don't believe that is what our God intended for His children. He tells us to bear one another's burdens and be there to comfort and guide them. In ALL ailments - both physical and mental!!
It took a lot of convincing from my grandma and a good friend but I finally relented and made an appointment with my doctor. This doctor was totally a blessing from God, hands down the best doctor I've ever known. She listened patiently as I showed her the list of things I'd been thinking/feeling, and then walked me through each one, asking all kinds of questions to try and understand what was really going on. At the end of the appointment, she sent me to have blood drawn on the off chance my thyroid was out of whack, but told me I likely had major depression and prescribed me medication. I can't tell you how much I bucked against that diagnosis. My mom had dealt with depression and I was determined to be nothing like her in the way I lived my life. But more than that, I was a Christian teaching at a Christian school. What were people going to think once they found out? Part of me feared my doctor would pull her daughter (who was in my class) right out and get her a different teacher. A better teacher. A sane teacher.
A lot has happened in that 10 years. I'm in a new house, have a different job, am a mama to my third dog, but I am still on medication. I still get discouraged and I still have dark days, but they are not nearly as dark as they once were. The length of those storms lasts is much shorter - often days and not weeks as they were before, and for that I am extremely grateful. Do I still have moments when I imagine the world would be better without me? I do. Am I still tempted to cut? I am. But again, those thoughts and feelings come less often. I am, without a doubt, an advocate for medication to treat depression and as long as that medication makes my life better, I always will be.
Why is it that Christians are so quick to dismiss mental health and medication? Did God create the entire human body? Every bone, muscle, and organ? He most certainly did and what's more? He called it good! God gifted men and women with the ability to diagnose and treat almost any disease or illness we've faced, and new medical advances are being made every day. Pancreas not producing enough insulin? Shots and pumps can help with that. An artery in the heart clogged and not allowing blood to flow through? Stents and balloons can clear that right up. Broken bone? Casts, screws and rods can allow even the most broken of people to function normally again. So why is it we see the human brain as less than every other organ? Illnesses that occur there - depression, bipolar, OCD - can also be treated with medication and therapy, making life worth living for people who had all but given up hope that life could be good again.
The proof is there, and still there are pastors and Christians who believe if we had just a little more faith, prayed a little harder, and/or spent more time in the Word, all would be well. Funny that you never hear those same Christians say, "Appendicitis?!? Have you been praying like you're supposed to?"A very hard lesson I've learned in the past 10 years is which Christian friends I can share my depression struggles with and which ones I can't because, whether they say it out loud or it is just implied, I should just look to God more and all my problems would disappear. That can make this road a very lonely one to walk at times and I don't believe that is what our God intended for His children. He tells us to bear one another's burdens and be there to comfort and guide them. In ALL ailments - both physical and mental!!
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